The "McCain is a Poopie-Head Series": How to Charm the Media

In this clip, our hero unites reporters from both major parties. Watch as both Democrats and Republicans agree that McCain is a FUCKING MORON.

My favorite comment is at 3:54... "I want to give credit to the McCain people. They put a room together where John McCain was the youngest person in the room."

Now Here's Some Justice...

Axl took 10 years to make the new album because he had little "down-time" between surgeries.

Blogger Kevin Cogill from the blog Antiquiet was arrested by the FBI for leaking the upcoming Guns N' Roses' "Chinese Democracy" album, while 1,000 pound Mayra Rosales is confined to her house (even though she was already confined to her house because she's too big to walk) for allegedly killing her 2 year old nephew by bashing his head in. The moral here? If you're going to break the law, eat lots of twinkies and McDonalds first.

I think the real criminals here are the people who actually downloaded that album. With the exception of their album "Appetite for Destruction", GNR has always pretty much sucked. Sorry, GNR fans... someone had to fucking say it.

Can We Pause For A Minute, People?

Wait....just wait before you go all apeshit on me. This isn't what you think.
Well, maybe it is....sort of.

America is filled with assholes. No, it is, we can be honest....let's just say it out loud.
Good?
Everybody feel better?

Ok, America is filled with assholes...people are right when they say that shit. I look around and can't believe half the shit I see anymore. And while it isn't the worst example of Americans being assholes, the magnetic car ribbon is pretty high on the list. It's not as bad as the "In Memory Of My Homeboy Soupy" type of moving fucking memorials that people adorn their cars with these days...oh you know the shit I mean...people remembering lost loved ones by putting that shit on their back windows. That is the fucking WORST. I swear to Christ if I died and someone I knew put on of those things on their car about me, I would fucking haunt your shit. And it wouldn't be some playful "prankster" haunting either...it would be that awful "The Entity" type shit where you're left balled up in a fetal position questioning the existence of God.

But my point here was initially about the magnetic car ribbon, so let's get back to that.
There's one for every occasion it seems...the war....breast cancer....domestic violence....your uncle Petey's testical that he lost in a biking accident....whatever.
THIS, it seems, makes Americans feel better about themselves.
I can just picture them...breaking open the plastic wrapper....taking out their car ribbon of choice...walking to the back of their Suburban, and placing it *just right* so that everyone knows how "aware" they are.
Funny thing is, in most cases, I'll bet their "awareness" ends as soon as they walk away from the back end of their car. They don't actually DO anything with all their awareness....but they just want you to know they are aware.

America LOVES getting caught up in a trend, don't they?
It loves seeing the latest car accessory and jumping on the band wagon.
"Baby On Board", Garfield clinging desperately to the back window....oh, and who can forget Seymour Butts. God it was SO hilarious when they would squeeze that little air pump and ole' Seymour would moon me!

What's my point in all of this?
Well, today I stopped in a 7-11 to get a cold beverage because I was all hot and sweaty and such...so I got myself one of those G2 low cal Gatorade things because I'm trying to reduce my hammy exterior...and as I was waiting in line I noticed the woman in front of me.
See that Car Ribbon I put at the top of this post?
She had that TATTOOED at the top of her back.
T.A.T.T.O.O.E.D.
A car ribbon.

I couldn't fucking believe it.
I mean, there I was staring at this woman in total amazement.
I was literally in the presence of THE most aware person in history.
She was getting a beverage from the same 7-11 that I chose.
It was like *I* was aware just by being in her presence.

You know, a pregnant woman with a "Baby On Board" tat would be kinda funny though....for like 9 months.

Cartoon Characters in Dry Decay

Bugs Bunny is about to take it all off. I am soooo hard right now.

Ever wonder what cartoon characters look like under all of that flesh? Korean sculptor Hyungkoo Lee’s amazingly detailed Animatus Collection shows us what to expect after the worms play pinochle on the Roadrunner's snout.

This exhibit is bizarrely fascinating. Check it a few of the pieces:

Felix the Cat. The wonderful, skeletal cat.

Bugs Bunny: Finally the king got his hossenfeffer.

Wile E. Coyote's crappy devices from the Acme Corporation couldn't save him in the end.

Proof that the Road Runner died of natural causes. If Wile E. Coyote had actually caught him, he would have tore his shit up.

O’Death = O’Rgasmic

Dissocial personality disorder equals great music!

When I got an email from Jess at Kemado Records raving about the upcoming O’Death album “Broken Hymns, Limbs, and Skin”, I suddenly had a Vietnam-esque flashback about my traumatic experience with another Kemado band The Sword. Long story short, I drove 3 hours to go to the Kemado Record party at SXSW because a publicist was raving about The Sword, and their set was so fucking bad that after I left I wanted to go torture babies and kick a few puppies. You can read more about my SXSW experience on my website. Anyhow, I thought that O’Death would be another overhyped Norse Mythology band, but Jess kept on about how great O'Death is, so I had her send me an advance of their album “Broken Hymns, Limbs, and Skin”.

Into the first song from “Broken Hymns, Limbs, and Skin”, I knew I would love this album. First of all, the band has a fiddle player, and I am a sucker for rock bands with fiddles (Geraldine Fibbers, Gogol Bordello, etc). Secondly, the lyrics were deeply disturbing in a Nick Cave kind of way, but darker and more twisted. The songwriter must be bi-polar and knows his macabre US history, as proven by the song "Fire at Peshtigo".

I’m sure I’ll be doing a print article on these guys, so I won’t get too involved here. But to describe them, imagine the lead singer from Interpol in front of the gypsy-punk band Gogol Bordello, or if you added a fiddle to Modest Mouse and took away Isaac Brock’s lisp.

After hearing this album, I can forgive Kemado Records for that whole “The Sword” misunderstanding. And after all, if it wasn’t for “The Sword”, I would have never have run across my favorite unsigned band (Kemado...sign these guys!), Toko-Ri Get High. (Read about them at my website).

UPDATE: After writing this, I did a youtube search for O'Death and found a shaky handheld recording of an acoustic version of "Busted Old Church". It's worth a look. These guys must be amazing live. Check it out:

The "McCain is a Poopie-Head Series": McCain Debates McCain

No introduction necessary. Enjoy!

COWifornia Dreamin'

Ever seen a grown cow naked?

San Diego will be soon be invaded by 200 cows of a different color.

Held January through March, the international CowParade art festival will spotlight San Diego as one of their featured cities for the 2009 exhibition.

200 artists from San Diego and Tijuana (Mexico) will participate by designing and painting life-sized fiberglass cows. The finished pieces will be displayed throughout the mean streets of San Diego, forcing most residents to ask themselves, "What the fuck?" But after all, isn't that what modern art is all about?

This week I got a sneak peek at what some of the artists are doing to innocent livestock.

Tijuana artist Jorge Tellaeche proves that his cow is not just a piece of art. It can also be used as a handy leaning post.

San Diego artist Lowell Niles de-ASS-itated his bovine.

These aren't your normal livestock colors.

"I'm not just another pretty face", Bessie exclaimed mooingly.

All wrapped up and nowhere to go.

Armin Heinrich Is A Genius

Every once in a while something happens that completely exposes people for being absolute morons. Well, we've have just experienced one of those moments.

Armin Heinrich of Germany created an application for the iPhone that does absolutely NOTHING. He titled the application "I Am Rich", and priced it at $999.99 on the Apple iPhone webstore.
For your basically $1,000, you were going to have the red light icon pictured above on your iPhone which would let everyone who's anyone KNOW that you are able to just drop 1K on NOTHING. You simply roll THAT top shelf.
OR, you would be letting people like me know that you're a complete asshammer.
You pick.

Sadly, after only eight purchases of the "I Am Rich" iPhone app....Apple has killed it.
Why, I have no idea.
I love it when there something that let's me be able to identify a jackass without ever having to interact with them first.

For instance, when I see a woman with a small lap dog that she's carrying like a purse, ala Paris Hilton...I know she's a jackass.
When I see a white guy with a gold tooth smile, a white wife beater and a fade...I know he's a jackass.
And now, when I would have seen a guy with the red light icon on his iPhone that he would no doubt make sure I, and everyone else at the location, knew he had....I would have known.
But Apple has robbed me, and YOU, of that forewarning now.

Bastards.

UPDATE: An asshat apparently wasn't satisfied with just being able to make you notice he had it at the bar....he made a YouTube video so you could see how much bling he has when he dials.
Bow to his majesty!

Paris Hilton's Response

One question...how is anyone going to be President of these United States after being punked by Paris Hilton?

John McCain's original ad:



Paris Hilton's response:

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

Best Chase Scene Ever?

I say yes.

Iggy & The Stooges Equipment Van Stolen: One More Reason to Hate Canada

Cris Kirkwood (Meat Puppets) poses with Mike Watt. Pictured is Watt's stolen 1963 Gibson. Photo Courtesy of ZZZlist.com.


August 4, 2008: Embarking on a tour of North America and Europe, Iggy Pop & The Stooges didn't get far before the 15-foot yellow Penske truck carrying their instruments and equipment was stolen from in front of their hotel in Montreal, Canada.

Just two gigs in on their current tour that was scheduled from August to October, the bandmembers and crew woke up to find the truck and all of their equipment missing. According to Stooges bass player Mike Watt, "The theft had to have happened in the morning, between 6:30 and 7:30 am".

The previous evening, the band had played in Montreal, Canada, and were about to make the drive to their next concert on August 6 in Toronto when they discovered their truck and gear was missing. At this time, it is unclear if the band will be able to continue the remainder of their scheduled dates.

A list of the stolen items can be found on Mike Watt's webpage. If you have any information that will help the band recover their gear, please contact Eric Fischer via email nycentral13@gmail.com or phone at (646)932-1907.

FARK Me Running!

Some recent headlines from Fark.com that made me snicker:

Actual Headline: Iran Tests 'New Weapon', Says It Can Easily Close the Strait of Hormuz
FARK Headline: Iranians announce new weapon, which will soon be unveiled by their photoshop expert

Actual Headline: DNC video crews prep for Ted K tribute
FARK Headline: Ted Kennedy, who will be dead soon -- he's very ill, will be eulogized this August at the Democratic National Convention. Upon hearing the news, Kennedy planned to take a walk and express his happiness

Actual Headline: Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal deny engagement rumours
FARK Headline: Jake Gyllenhaal is not engaged to Reese Witherspoon. Apparently, he doesn't think there's room for her square jaw in the relationship

Actual Headline: Sarah Larson Cuts Ties to George Clooney
FARK Headline: George Clooney's former girlfriend says she doesn't need George Clooney to be famous, is never going to mention George Clooney's name again. George Clooney

Actual Headline: Ghostbusters game delayed to 2009, but who's publishing it?
FARK Headline: Ghostbusters video game delayed until 2009. Everything was fine until the power grid was shut off by dickless here

Actual Headline: Vietnam to free Gary Glitter this month
FARK Headline: Gary Glitter to be released from Vietnamese prison later this month, says he feels like a kid again

Actual Headline: It's over: Kate Hudson and Lance Armstrong call off romance
FARK Headline: Kate Hudson is back on the market after Lance Armstrong decides to take his ball and go home

Actual Headline: 'Plumber Rapist' fights for freedom
FARK Headline: "Plumber Rapist" fights to be released from prison, wants a crack at freedom

PODCASTS: Uhh Yeah Dude

It's new feature time again, isn't that exciting?
From time to time, I'll be giving you suggestions for a podcast or webcast...is webcast the "cool" name for it is these days? God knows I don't want to offend the internet savvy or I'll be "pwn3d". Shit, now I probably just offended the religious by evoking God's name in to my inane ramblings, huh?

For my first recommendation, I'll introduce to you the podcast that I listen to the most..."Uhh Yeah Dude". The show features Seth Romatelli and Jonathan Larroquette who provided you with a "Weekly round-up of America through the eyes of two American Americans."
See, doesn't that sound right up your alley?

Seth and Jonathan give their take on the news events of the past week, which if your brain is turned on, will mostly likely sound a lot like your inner dialogue after you hear these kinds of "newsbites" too. The only difference is, their comments are probably a lot funnier than yours, because I've never found you to be particularly funny. In fact, you really need to stop quoting Caddyshack and Animal House....everyone else has been saying that behind your back, but I thought I'd be a friend and just lay it out to you here.
I mean, it's 2000F'N8...other comedies HAVE been made since then.

Where were we before you got me sidetracked with your outdated sense of comedy? Oh yeah...UYD....
One of the things that I find hilarious most of all is the "Craigslist" sections of the show.
I don't know if the shear aburdity of a man placing an ad looking for other men that start off with "I hate my wife....she doesn't even have a dick!", or Seth's delivery of said introduction...but it's fucking hilarious to listen to.
Let me give you a taste of the "Craiglist" material...oh and it contains EXPLICIT LANGUAGE, so don't listen to it where it will be a problem:


See, funny as shit right?

And yes, Jonathan is the son of the badass John "Dan from Night Court" Larroquette...who's finest hour for me was his performance in "Blind Date" with Bruce Willis and Kim Bassinger. His manical delivery of "You're drilling her, aren't you?!?!?" is funnier than a fucker trying to kill a gopher puppet any day.

So get over the iTunes and download the "Uhh Yeah Dude" podcast.
Maybe you'll even develop a better sense of humor about things, Elwood.

Uhh Yeah Dude on Myspace

You Got Beef?

Sometimes I yell at the cat, "I feel like you eyeballin' me, dawg. I don't like punk bitches eyeballin' me."



I LOVE THIS KID!!!

Ollie Winehouse!

Tell me she doesn't look JUST LIKE "Ollie" from the old "Kukla, Fran And Ollie" kids show!!
Now THAT would be a fucking show!! Kukla and Fran could be calling A&E's "Intervention" as tears run down their faces, and Ollie Winehouse is smoking crack and urinating herself in a corner while trying to count to 12 before she goes in to respiratory failure.

I would SO watch that shit.

The "McCain is a Poopie-Head" Series: Let the Children Rot in Foster Care

Senator McCain covers his eyes when children are being abused.

When George Stephanopoulos asked McCain if he would rather leave a child in foster care instead of allowing gay parents to adopt, all he could say was, "I am for the values and principles that two-parent families represent". In other words, he is so buried under his fundamentalist beliefs that he would rather leave children in abusive homes or in foster care than put them into a loving supportive home with two people who happen to be gay.

Keep in mind that American taxpayers pay an estimated $40,000 per child per year for foster care.

As someone who lived a nightmarish existence as a child, I would have welcomed gay parents. But noooooo... McCain would rather see children abused and neglected. Don't believe me? Watch this:

In 2006, an ABC News report produced the following statistics:

• On September 30, 2004, 518,000 children were in the U.S. foster care system. Most children are placed in foster care temporarily due to parental abuse or neglect.
  126,000 children are currently available for adoption.
• More than 20,000 children each year never leave the system -- they remain in foster care until they "age out."
• Thirty percent of the homeless in America and some 25 percent of those in prison were once in foster care.

With those statistics, riddle me this... If you were in the foster care system, would you prefer future prison or homelessness over a stable upbringing with gay parents who love you?

14 Million Dollar Babies

Question: Would you pay 14 million to see what Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie's twins look like? According to The Edmonton Sun, that's exactly what People Magazine did. Suckers.

Don't most newborn babies look alike?

I'll show you what the Brangelina twins look like for free. They look like this...



Happy now?