Terminator: Salvation

"I'll be back"
You know what....how 'bout no?

Ok, let's just start here.....
GET THIS F'N McG off the helm of this project!!!

Maybe I'm old timey and shit...but I don't EVER want to see a franchise I once loved, taken over by a guy who sounds like he was the DJ on "In Living Color".
You know what I mean? "Give it up for McG and The Fly Girls!!!!"
Sorry...I know it may just be me...but that's where I'm at.

Now in the interest of fairness, something hit me while I was watching this film.
It COMPLETELY lacks suspense.
Not that the film itself failed...I mean it did, but not in this particular aspect.
Let me explain, and if you don't want any spoilers, go away now.

Ok.

Are you gone?

Don't be hiding there, and then complain later that I ruined shit for you!

Whatever.


Now, in the first Terminator film, Kyle Reese is sent back in time by John Connor, to protect his mother, Sarah Connor, from Arnold Schwarzenegger's sexual advances or something. We all know that...we've known that's what happens since 1984, correct?
Well in Terminator Salvation, we follow John Connor's attempts to protect Kyle Reese IN said future, so that he can send him back in time and fulfill what he KNOWS has to happen in the past.

My point?
We KNOW that Kyle Reese DOES IN FACT get sent back in time to 1984, SO where is the suspense?
Do we ever think..."Shit, I hope Reese lives, otherwise everything I've ever known is fucked!!!"
NO, you DON'T think that because we know from the first film he DOES make it back in time safely, so you CAN'T think anything could be different...unless you're someone who also was hoping that the ship wouldn't sink in Titanic. (Note that I tied two James Cameron films together to illustrate your stupidity)

This brings me to the crux of the problem with the Terminator films as a whole now.
They're pointless.
See, we know that in an absolute sense the following occurs...

1.) John Connor sends Kyle Reese back in time to protect Sarah Connor.
THAT fact destroys ANY possibly of Kyle Reese's death in the future timeline.

2.) ANY attempts made by Skynet to send Terminators back in time to kill Sarah Connor OR John Connor failed, because see #1.
Therefore, any previous film's suspense is negated by the fact that John Connor DOES exist in the future and therefore OBVIOUSLY is never killed by the Terminators in the past timeline.

And THAT, is what was driving me crazy about this film. Connor's sense of urgency to protect Reese. "If he dies, I won't exist, and humanity is screwed!!!"
Really?
See, I would have had THIS attitude...."Fuck it. Obviously whatever I do, I do right, because I KNOW he goes back in time, and screws my Mom, because I'm here now, ain't I? Now someone go find me a whore and some Jack Daniels...we'll go look for him in the morning or something."

Do you see what I mean?
HowEVER you did it at that point...you did it right...it DOESN'T matter.
And there are supposed to be TWO MORE of these things, because Christian Bale signed a three picture deal.

Eh well, I did have a couple suspenseful moments while watching yesterday.
First during the previews, they showed the trailer for Sasha Baron Cohen's "Bruno", and the whole time I kept thinking "Please don't show the asshole bleaching incident..PLEASE don't show that!!!", because I had my kids with me...and I didn't want to have to explain that.
THEN, I thought some popcorn butter had leaked out of the bucket and got on my jeans...but it didn't.
So I mean, those were a couple of high energy moments, I guess.

Anyway..save your cash for something else...OR go see Star Trek again, because that F'N ROCKED!

The World According To Gar!

If you remember back to the "Seriously Japan...WTF?" entry I made about Inochi, I made mention of Sam Elliot's character "Gar" in the film Mask. Then, yesterday, Gar again came up in a discussion between me and some friends on Facebook.
All this got me to thinking about how Gar would handle things today...you know, in the age of the Metrosexual.

For instance, would Gar watch "American Idol"?
F**K NO!!
The last time I checked, I don't remember Foghat being on that show.

Gar also would NEVER order a Venti Non-Fat Decaf Cinnamon Dolce Latte at Starbucks.
He would stop at an Exxon mini mart, and their .99 cent large would be just fine...especially when he put a little whiskey in it because he needs to "take the edge off", for his job interview this morning.

And you know...Gar wouldn't be into these super thin women, with bodies that have all the shape of a 13 year old boy. Well, unless it was because they were strung out on the heroin he was selling them.
No, Gar would like a woman with a little meat on her bones, so that he had a little something to hold on to, while he was puttin' down on her hardstyle as the lyrics "Sweet Lucy was a dancer...but none of us would chance her...." were blasting in the background to "set the mood".

And Gar would NEVER spend $69 on an Affliction T-Shirt when a black Hane's T, with iron on lettering gets his message across just fine.
You know, now that I think of it...from now on, whatever clothing line is the new "it" thing....I'm just gonna get a shirt like Gar's up above, and have the lettering say the name.
For instance...here's my shirt for tonight....


See that?
I just saved myself a SHIT TON of money, and I'm blazing my own path in my world of awesome!

You know what else....Gar would NEVER be on anything like Match.com.
He doesn't need to meet women that way.
He won't be creating a profile that tells women his interests...what restaurants he frequents...what books he's read...where he likes to spend time in the Summer...NONE of that.

"Moustache Rides" IS his profile.
It lets women know EXACTLY what he's about in two words, and they see it wherever he goes.
Ladies, if YOU'RE down...HE's down...you dig?

Gar is THE MAN.
I mean, just look at his name! Who the F**K calls them self GAR?
It's like calling yourself Trog or something Neanderthal like that.

We need more Gars again, I think.

Oh, and since I began all this by tying Gar to a story about how whacky the Japanese are...let's now close that way too!

Again, Japan...Seriously, WTF?

Britain's Got MORE Talent!!!

So, it seems that approximately 27 times a week, there's a NEW video where someone in Britain blows the judges away.
It's becoming rather monotonous at this point, really.
Obviously, everyone in Britain has a hidden magical talent because they've made a deal with Satan at the crossroads in Derbybuckinghamshire or some shit, and now, they just pipe these videos over here to show us what assclowns WE are.

We get it, the Redcoats win this one!!!

Our goofy looking bastards like William Hung become famous for their astronomical levels of suck, and their goofy looking bastards like Paul Potts go on become huge Opera stars, who no doubt have tons of groupies and roll on dubs.

THIS, is the "OMG!!!" talent du jour Jamie Pugh....

THIS TIME, Britain...I got you...he's just copying another person's singing style!!!

Proof?

Fine!


How's it feel to get shut down by a Yank?

Solid Gold: What Were We Thinking?

Seriously, what the hell was wrong with us back then?
It would have been today...Saturday...20 some odd years ago, that people would have tuned in to that. We watched people DANCE to the top songs on the Billboard countdown.
I really don't know what's worse, that...or when bands actually would come on to "play" their hits.
I put play in quotes, because they only pretended to play as the recorded version pumped through our TVs. Then the song would fade out, and they would keep playing as the lights would drop on them.

And we were entertained by this.

But maybe the worst part of the show came in the form of this....


Wayland Flowers and Madame.
I always hated that puppet. It just LOOKED evil.
In fact, both of them freaked me out...and no, it has nothing to do with Wayland's lifestyle, I don't give a shit about things like that.
It was just that the combination of the two of them was REALLY creepy to me for some reason.
Like I could picture a horror movie based on them, where Flowers keeps people chained up in his basement, and then comes down with Madame, and she tells him to do awful things to them...then he starts crying and shit, saying that he doesn't want to do those kinds of things. Then Madame would start going all apeshit on him, screaming shit like "THIS IS WHY PEOPLE LAUGH AT YOU...WAAAAAAYLAND!!! YOU HAVE NO BALLS!!!"
So then he would tearfully cave in, and make a vest out of someone's skin.

See, you can't see that happening with Willie Tyler and Lester right?


Wait...why does it look like they are participating on a game show that has Confederate Flags as a backdrop?
That picture just doesn't seem right.

Well, in closing, we've learned today that...
"Solid Gold" was a shining example of how we had very poor taste in the 80's.
Puppets are creeps.
And Gene Rayburn was a covert racist prick.

Stick with me...I'll show you how things REALLY are, and you'll be right as rain.