Saturday, November 20, 2010

Taking A Moment To Thank A Genius

This will be lost on you, because undoubtedly, you don't wash your hands after using a restroom, but for those of us who do, I want to extend a long overdue thank you to the Excel company for their magnificent product.

I give you....The Xlerator....


This magical device will have your hands dry in about 10 seconds flat.
I'm pretty sure it has hurricane force winds captured inside it's steel casing, that are released every time the sensor detects a hand is placed below.

Remember the days of old? A machine so weak, that it would have been quicker to pay the guy who just serviced you in the stall to just blow on your hands to dry them?
Those days sucked!

Or that silly "wave your hand under the dispenser and a towel rolls out" thing??
It gives you a sheet so tiny that only a fucking dwarf would be able to dry his little sausage hands with it, but it's pointless anyway, because he can't reach up to wave his hand under it.
I can picture the lil' fella now...jumping as high as he can with his hands flailing about, and then finally still.... looking up at the machine in silence with his sad little face...just wanting a towel, but knowing he can never have one. And then with his head down, slowly walking out of the restroom, as he dries his hands by rubbing them on the sides of his tiny pants.
Those are the moments in life to cherish, people. Don't let them pass you by without taking a minute to appreciate them!

But I digress....
The Xlerator is the greatest thing to ever hit the bathroom stall since the cologne guy. Not that I actually use the cologne guy, because I haven't rocked Drakkar Noir since the 80's....but I just like to know that he's there.
By the way...is there a dollar amount they could pay you, to get you to sit in a Men's restroom all day?
What a terrible way to make a buck.

Now, you may be asking yourself why I didn't discuss the much newer Dyson Air Blade instead of the Xlerator....


It's because I don't enjoy the Air Blade as much as I do the Xlerator.
Sure, it does a fine job of drying the hands, but I don't like the idea of putting my hands into something.
Every time I use the Air Blade, I feel like I'm presenting my hands to a police officer for cuffing, or that the machine is some sort of trap.
Besides, I don't just willingly surrender to "the man".

P.S....I'd like to see a dwarf try to use this one too!!!!

Monday, November 1, 2010

The Rally To Restore Sanity


We keep hearing about "values" and "honor" these days, and how they need to be restored. We hear about what the "Real America" is supposed to be.
The strange part about that is, the people who keep trying to force their belief system of "values", "honor", and "patriotism" down our throats, seem to be missing what America was all about.

The right to be who you want to be, live as you want to live, and to decide for yourself what the three things I mentioned above are, for you.

This past weekend, I joined an estimated crowd of 215,000 people in Washington, D.C., for the "Rally To Restore Sanity" that was held by Comedy Central's Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert. The point of this get together was for Americans who feel that politicians have completely driven the train off the tracks, to join forces, and let their voices be heard.

It was for ALL people who share this belief.
I saw Whites, Blacks, Asians, Latinos, Indians, Muslims, Democrats, Republicans, Libertarians, The Green Party, the young and the old, all joined together for one common cause....to say "ENOUGH!".

Enough Paranoia.
Enough Fear.
Enough Lies.
Enough Spin.
Enough Division.
Enough Propaganda.
And Enough of YOUR "values".

When did America become a place where everyone needs to adhere to one specific group's value system?
I thought this was a Democracy?
I thought each man was allowed to forge his own path here, based on his own choices and beliefs?
I think people forget that their values, aren't necessarily someone else's, and that when you try to push your values on someone, you become very non-American.

For those of you on the Right, that feel that this rally was an attack on you, sorry.
But when you align yourselves with the Tea Party of Sarah Palin and Glenn Beck, you kind of put yourselves in that position.
For everyone who sees how crazy a lot of the fear mongering they offer is, I can only say this....
The elections tomorrow may not prove us right....but I believe history will.
I think this particular time in our existence as America, will be looked back on as a huge black eye for America. I believe this place in time for America, will be this generation's "McCarthy Era", but I hope it doesn't eventually contain events that overshadow it.

But now I want to tell you a simple story about how exactly what the rally was fighting against, is still alive and well, this very day!

At the end of the rally, as we were heading back to my car, my son asked me...
 "Do you think that the people in their costumes, and the Pro Prop 19 guys will hurt the way that people view the rally?"

I responded by saying that anyone who thinks those people hurt the point of the rally, didn't get the point of the rally in the first place, and that outlets like Fox News weren't going to tell the truth about what went on here today anyway.

He then said "Well, they can't lie about it, because there were cameras, and too many people who know what really happened."

I said "Oh, you'd be surprised what people will do to further their cause." 

This morning, my son called me. He had seen the "Fox and Friends" spin on The Rally To Restore Honor, and he was livid.
He said that he couldn't believe the flat out lies they told....including how the rally was all pro Obama and the liberal agenda, and reports of people trying to overturn and light the Fox News van on fire.

You see, we were near the Fox News van...and no one EVER bothered it...yelled at it....spit at it...nothing.
The only thing I heard, was people saying "Wow, I can't believe they actually are going to cover this...I wonder how they'll spin it." 

Well, my son doesn't have to wonder that now, because he WATCHED Fox News blatantly lie about what was happening there. 
He knows now that they in fact, distort reality for their own agenda.

My son was especially irritated with the female host of Fox and Friends, Gretchen Carlson, because of the way she tried to belittle Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert for not being "real newsmen" and laughing at the people who didn't understand that.
He said "When did they ever claim they were anything but comedians...and who there didn't realize that?" 
I told my son that he would have to forgive her....she was probably just a little upset that, while they are not real newsmen, she is....and yet I guarantee that more people know who they are than who she is, and that their respective shows probably have more viewers in one episode, than Fox and Friends has all month.
That fact is probably irritating her a little bit.

So what did Fox News accomplish with all of this?
It discredited itself on a personal level, to a 12 year old boy, who was a first hand witness to their lies.

So for him, the rally means more today, than it did Saturday.

Well played, Fox News!