"F**K YOU, AAAAND YOUR CHEESEBURGER, MOTHERF**KER!!!"

Ah, drunken late nights, at fast food restaurants!
Is there anything more interesting?
What job should pay more, really?

In the following video, we see the North American Douchehound in it's natural habitat, during one of it's feeding sessions. It makes many attempts to establish itself as the Alpha Male to the rest of the pack, only to be disgraced by what it believes to be a weaker opponent.
See: Beard Man, Epic.

Anudder Cast: Episode 4our

It's from last week, but I've been busy.....More on the death of Corey Haim, Sony signs Michael Jackson to the biggest recording contract in history…yes, the DEAD Michael Jackson, Gilligan’s Island is coming to a theater near you, Women have designer vaginas, Delaware Metal Band “Solitude” reunite for one night on April 17th 2010.

Closing song “Twisted” by Solitude

Episode 4our at Podbean

Solitude Reunion

If you're in the Delaware, Maryland, New Jersey, Pennsylvania, Kabul, and Tehran areas, you won't want to miss this.

I'm Back From The Beach....

I had a VERY relaxing and pleasant weekend in the Bethany Beach/Rehoboth Beach, Delaware area this weekend. But, being the asshole that I am, I took some time to notice a few things that I think I should point out to you, because I'm a pal and all.

1.) As I told you in my previous update, people are morons. They get SO overly excited with themselves the moment that the weather hits 70 degrees. There were a gaggle (see, I used the word gaggle, because they all reminded me of silly geese, and GAGGLE, is the word for a large amount of geese. You wouldn't understand a word like that because it's outside of your lexicon. So is "lexicon" for that matter, so we should probably just quit while I'm ahead.).....where was I....oh yeah, there were a gaggle of people walking around in swimsuits and laying on the beach, because it was 70 degrees.
Hey, doucherockets, LAST weekend they held the "Polar Bear Plunge" on the very same beach that you are currently pretending you are sunning on the French Riviera on.
Let that marinate for a bit.

2.) If you wake up and begin drinking Margaritas at 10:30am, you, while becoming awesome, also run out of gas around 6pm.
Oh whatever, I'm almost 40, you assclown....I'm not out power drinking and trying to prove something to you and your frat brothers.
P.S. Dave Matthews is a cockrag....put that in your "Rusty Rudder Beer Bong" and chug it down.

Wait....is he even cool anymore?
Fuck, I suck at this.

3.) When they tear down a building on Rehoboth Avenue, you can see the remains of the original buildings that have been embedded within the walls of newer buildings for probably close to a hundred years....
See?


To tie this visual into something Rehoboth Beach, DE related....it looks like the house after Dorothy lands in Oz, but the film hasn't fully transitioned to Technicolor yet.

Judy Garland.
Over the Rainbow.
Rehoboth.
Get it?

For the record, the above picture was once an alleyway where Phineas Cobblebottom performed the first act of sodomy on Wallace Giles Featherloafer in Rehoboth Beach in 1892.
Right afterward they opened a restaurant and began making ridiculously delicious culinary fare, and thus set the course for the vacation destination that has led up until current day.

Ok, maybe none of that is true, but it sounds good, and no one can argue that the restaurants in Rehoboth are awesome, so take your homophobia and do what Phineas did to Wallace with it.

Oh.....OH....and while I was in one of my Margarita induced stupors, I saw a preview for a new Kirstie Alley vehicle coming to A&E....I don't remember what it was called, so let's just call it "Fat Again".

*PAUSE*

Ok, holy shit....after I typed what I just typed, I decided to go to YouTube to see if I could find the trailer, and there was a Flash based Kirstie throwing her fat around to knock pretend videos out of the way.
Can we PLEASE stop with the "Fat Kirstie" stuff?
I mean, this has BECOME her career....and that shouldn't be acceptable to anyone.
How many times now have we seen Kirstie become "fat and sassy", then lose weight....then become fat again??
And can you PLEASE not mention wanting a "booty call" when you look like John Candy in drag?

Oh and anudder ting, and it's 2010...motherfuckers have been born, and graduated High School since "In Living Color" was hip, so can you stop saying "Booty Call"?
Should people who don't like it "Step Off" too?

Anyway...here's some sort of preview to the trainwreck.



Look, I'm sure Kirstie is a nice person....but ENOUGH already.

Eh....whatever with all that.
Let's end with something funny.
Deal?

Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis: Ben Stiller from Between Two Ferns

At The Beach

There are a million people down here in the Bethany\Rehoboth area, and just as a tip people...just because it's 70 degrees, it doesn't mean it's Summer...so enough with walking around in the swimsuits.

Doucherockets.

Anyone Need A Babysitter?

Apparently this woman comes highly recommended.

Nanny Cam video

There's a reason that she just hasn't been killed, but I don't know what it is.

Are Old People Happy?

I decided that I would return to my old stomping grounds yesterday, and take my kids to breakfast/lunch at a restaurant that I was frequently brought to as a child; "Tom Jones" in Brookhaven, PA.

For the record, I had a breakfast of two eggs, two pancakes, two strips of bacon, two sausage patties, toast, a cup of coffee, and a juice of $3.79!!
The 1970's prices matched the 1970's decor...even down to the latch hook landscape that STILL adorns the wall!!
(Seriously....you cats need to chill with that.)

But, the cheap breakfast isn't why I'm telling you all of this today.
As I sat there taking in all the outdated tan paneling and orange vinyl seating, I noticed an elderly couple sitting across from me.

The gentleman had on a "Potsie Webber" type of sweater and an incredibly bad toupee. It was the kind that makes you wonder why anyone would even go to all the hassle, and ESPECIALLY at his age. This guy had to be pushing 90, and I can't imagine anyone would blame him for being bald at that point, but I guess a cat has to feel like he's still holding down no matter what the age, right?

I watched as their food arrived. Each began with a side order of coleslaw, and neither commented on whether they enjoyed it or not....they just methodically began eating it in silence.
This told me that I was watching a Sunday ritual of sorts.
Next, they were each brought a bowl of what appeared to be Beef Barley soup.
Again, there was no banter between them....they just sipped their soup in an almost robotic fashion.
What struck me, was the difficulty in which the woman raised the spoon to her mouth.
Her hand was trembling greatly, yet the man took no particular care to notice. Instead, he just continued at his own bowl in his slow, methodical fashion.
Obviously, this was part of their life now too.

I continued to watch them, and not once did I notice a single utterance of conversation.
They simply did what they seemingly always do, every Sunday of their lives, in Brookhaven, PA.

It was then that I began to wonder.
Are these people happy?
Was a witnessing an ultimate sense of contentment?
Or an incredible sense of defeat and acceptance thereof?

Were these people so in tune with one another, that they don't even need to speak anymore, or do they simply have nothing to say because it's either all been said now, or they simply don't enjoy each others company anymore?

And what of the latter?
What DOES one do, when they are coming into the home stretch of their time here, and they've outlived all of their friends?
Do you then just stay with the person you are with out of convenience even though you KNOW that you don't want to be with them anymore?

OR, do you truly reach a place where you don't need to speak anymore, because you have some sort of synergy with your partner?
A partnership so divine that you exist in an almost Utopian sense of bliss.

Does the woman think that he looks great in his "Potsie Webber" sweater, or is she sitting there thinking "WHEN is he gonna stop gluing that ridiculous piece of fur to the top of his head?"?

We all like to think it's the more pleasant of the choices, right?

When I see people of that age, I can't help but think of their history.
Who WERE they?
Were they the "cool" people on the scene back in their day?
Was she the hottest thing going, and did she ever imagine then that she would have a hard time raising a spoon to her mouth one day?
What kind of guy was he? Was he the type of cat that lit up a room when he walked in, because the party didn't start until HE arrived?
When they came together, were they THEE couple?

If the answers are "yes", is THAT what they sit and think about in silence as they sip their soup?
And is that distressing, or comforting as they look back?

Or, are they just enjoying their soup, and a creepy guy at the next table is thinking WAY too much about them.

I don't want to get that old.
And I'll NEVER wear a Potsie Webber sweater!!

Anudder Cast: Episode 3hree

I need a new microphone....cuz problems...but....

The death of Corey Haim…Eric Massa wants to touch your junk, but not in a gay way…..The poor Hispanics in Delaware want you to give them Goya products when you donate food, you insensitive tools….and more.

Closing song “Sweet Jesus” from Zakk Wylde’s Pride & Glory

Click Me For Episode 3hree

Trust Your Pal Joe....Learn To Appreciate The Simple Times

I remember when my son was born....my car was being worked on for a transmission problem, so I had to use my parent's Lincoln Town Car to take my now ex-wife and son home on a wintery day in December of 1997.

But more specifically for the purposes of this story, I remember the day after.
I returned to work, and the customer said "So...what did you have?".
I responded "A boy.".
He said "Enjoy every minute while he's young....you'll be handing him the keys to the car before you know it."

I laughed, thinking that he was crazy.
In less than four years, I will be handing my son the keys to the car.
And it all seems like the blink of an eye.

I often tell friends with young children now the same thing that man told me back on that December day in 1997. And they laugh the same way I did, as they recount the latest anecdote of terror that their child has unleashed upon them.

The circle of life and all that, I suppose.

Yesterday, my daughter, who was born two years after my son, text me (yes...we're texting) with something that I found alarming enough for me to immediately call her, but ultimately was nothing more than a pre-teen girl, drama queen moment.

You see, my daughter believed that "the entire school pretty much hates me."
I mean, not me...her.
And yes, the ENTIRE school.

I began to explain to her that in order for the entire school to hate her, she would have to be quite an overachiever in jerkattude. That was a new word, in case you feel like you haven't heard it before. I bring shit like that to the table from time to time, to illustrate how cool I am.

Where was I?
Oh yeah, so I was explaining to her that I really doubted that the ENTIRE school hated her, and that she was more than likely over-reacting to the words of ONE person who probably was less than thrilled with her at the moment. I mean, I doubt even Adolf Hitler's ENTIRE school hated him...or Charles Manson's for that matter.
Hell, MY entire school didn't hate me, and I'm quite proficient at being an asshole.

But this all got me to thinking....
I really hope that those of you whom I know...or don't know...that have young children at the moment, stop to appreciate the simplicity of your lives right now.
At least as far as that stuff goes.

I remember when I would come home from work back then.
My daughter, usually in her pajamas with the feet, and bottle tilted upward so as to get the proper flow, would eject said bottle with such force that the nipple would make a popping sound, and she would exclaim "DOE!!!", before running to me so I could pick her up.
(My children have ALWAYS called me by my first name, and as you can tell, she couldn't exactly pronounce it properly at the time....unless you thought my name WAS "Doe", in which case you are THE DUMB.)

From that point, we would head to the Family Room, and usually put on an episode of "Oswald" to end the night. Oswald was a blue octopus and his best friend was an obsessive compulsive penguin named Henry. My son and daughter would fall asleep to the adventures of these two and their friends.

Never once did my daughter believe that Oswald and ALL of his friends hated her.
And more importantly, I never had to convince her of anything to the contrary.
Oswald and all his crew would always be waiting for her again the next day, and all was right in the world.

SO what's my point?

My point is that while your children may be driving you crazy today, you are in the easy phase right now. No one is hurting their feelings....no one outside of your home has any effect on them.
YOU...and their toys...and favorite shows, ARE their world.
It's as simple as that.

I never thought I would look back on that stupid blue octopus with such fondness, and I never thought it would already be SO long ago, but it all does move as quickly as that guy on the December day in 1997 told me....and you REALLY DO need to enjoy it while it lasts.

So take a moment to remember that from time to time.