I know, you're asking how I went from tackling the political hatred that's running rampant through America right now, to stooping so low as to analyzing personalities on The Jersey Shore...well, because I can do whatever I want here...THAT'S why.
PLUS, I'm being "Pop Culture Topical"!
See, I can be a very hep cat when I want to be.
Wait...doesn't anyone say hep cat anymore?
Eh, who cares?
SO, being someone who shamefully admits that I've been watching the show from Season One, I feel as if I have *kind of* a handle on the people in the house....well, as much as you can with phony "reality" tv.
For instance, I think that Vinnie is smarter than everyone else in the house, and will be more successful than anyone else there....in the long run. What I mean by that is, like the New Kids On The Block, there will be a day when all the hoopla (<---old timey word) surrounding the Guidos and Guidettes is nothing more than trivia question fare, and they will be featured on a "I Love The 10's" thing on VH1...ON WHICH, Michael Ian Black will still be participating...yup, even then. Realistically though, they won't wait until the 20's to air this....more like 2011, when we are actually still IN the 10's, and most of what they are asking us to remember happened last week.
But I digress....
During this recanting of all things cool during the 10's, we will see a commercial break that says "When we come back, we're gonna get into a little "Situation" with some Gym, Tan, and Laundry, when "I Love The 10's" continues!"
See how well I did that?
I mean, when you read it, you actually HEARD the voice of the VH1 voice-over guy, didn't you?
That's why I type things that people read, and you just finished typing:
"2 tired 2 talk. C u 2nite dawg......PEACE!"
But that's neither here nor there.
Point is, during the course of the show, we will find out that Vinnie, unlike the others on the show, wisely invested his cash, and now is working as an investment banker or lawyer. And when asked about his days on The Jersey Shore, he maturely will reflect back with a casual "We were young and crazy. Who isn't crazy when they're young?, but will shy away from behaving in any manner that would make him appear as if he still has urges to "fight the beat" in the clubs.
I think The Situation will end up in a decent position too, maybe not with as stable of a foundation as Vinnie, (whose current financial standing at the time, won't be entirely reflective of his show business days) but being that he stands to pull in $5 Million dollars this year, and doesn't seem like an idiot to me, I think life will be just fine for ole' Mikey The Situation.
As for the rest....
Sammi - Married with kids, to a doctor or something, who was a total geek as of this writing. He hit Sammi up for a date when he met her at a "World Of Wheels" Car Show as she was signing autographs. His timing was impeccable, as this was right around the time she was hitting 30 and felt she was running out of options.
Ronnie - Died of alcohol poisoning four days before the filming of "Return To The Jersey Shore"; a show about the original cast returning to the beach house, five years after Season Three. His last words, as he pounded away to Deadmau5, were "Bro....check me out, Bro!", before falling on his face, never to regain consciousness.
DJ Pauly D - Too old to be a hip club DJ anymore, Pauly D is producing "New Age" meditation music. He converted to Buddhism at 37, after his hair began to fall out, thus forcing him to examine the TRUE meaning of life. "Dude, it's like, if your hair isn't there to put product in, did you ever really, like, have it at all?"
Angelina - Who fuckin' cares? Oh, but she still doesn't understand why everyone hates her.
Snooki - After gaining a SHIT-TON of weight, and doing a brief stint as a "Snack Cake Pornstar" (a new type of porn where large women and men...and women, smash each other with Ho Hos, Ding Dongs, and Chocodiles, and then engage in various sex acts), Snooki goes into a massive depression, which after an extensive time going through peaks and valleys, leads her to become a fitness and self help guru. She has a website where you can pay to download her latest workout video with Tony Horton, entitled "P90Snook".
JWoww - Having come to terms with who she really is, AND having had her breast implants removed, JWoww now reads spoken word poetry at the "Hot Cup Of Va Jay Jay" coffee shop in The Village which is owned by her girlfriend Saja. During "Return To The Jersey Shore", a short haired Jenny surprised everyone by revealing that she was living a lie for years, and now realizes that the source of her hostility, and for lack of a better word, Linebacker-esqe behavior, around the house, was a result of repressed feelings for Sammi. To which, Sammi responded "I ain't gonna clam slap wit choo, BITCH!", and then was subsequently kicked in the vagina by JWoww, whom MTV had to then remove from the house. Confident that the remaining anger is now gone, Jenny stays far away from the Jersey Shore cast, and focuses on her art and poetry.
I'm serious about the last part, by the way.
I think that really may be the case! I mean look how she struts around like she's ready to throw down at the drop of a hat. And have you ever seen a woman whose answer to EVERYTHING is to punch someone in the face, or threaten to punch them in the face...or think about punching them in the face....or draw a picture of punching them in the face?
Whatever.
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