I'm About To Be 40...Let's See What I've Learned Thus far.

I'm sitting here drinking a smoothie I just made in my Montel Williams HealthMaster Blender.
It consists of two bananas, two peaches, ten strawberries, some spinach, soy milk, ice, and a little peanut butter for protein.
I'll drink this throughout the day, while you eat a Double Quarter Pounder with "ham drippins" and extra cheese, washed down with a few Bud Light Limes or something.

And you know the best part?
You'll probably out live me.
Because that always seems to be the way these things go.

You see, I'm turning 40 this week, so I think I'm supposed to start be concerned about my health and stuff....at least, that's what everyone says, right?
As time has gone by, I have become more and more "health conscious". My lifestyle today, doesn't even begin to resemble the one I lived when I was 20, or even 25.
Those were fast food filled days, and Jagermeister filled nights...by the bottle.
I don't mean that to be an exaggeration, I literally would go out each night with a bottle of Jagermeister, and it would be gone when the night was done.
THAT, to me, was "social drinking".

But make sure you live that way in your youth....just for a little while.
It can be a HELL of a good time.
And if you don't....you'll be more likely to try to live that way when you turn 40, and have what is known as a mid-life crisis. That is when you become a total douchebag, and no one wants to be a douchebag.

However, through the various trappings of life, I have mellowed out considerably as of this typing...you know, days before I turn the "Big 4-0".
I hate that saying, by the way. That, and "Lordy Lordy, Look Who's 40!".
I just feel that the person who says that to you on your birthday, should be some incredibly overweight female co-worker that wears big sweaters, and has a lot of cats that are all named "Mr. or Mrs." something or other.
Don't be that person.
Don't ever be that person.
You may have convinced yourself that "Mr. Stompybottom" is all the companionship that you need, but that's just some bullshit rationalization mechanism that you've taught yourself to use, to stop yourself from wanting blow your brains out whenever you watch "The Notebook", and you realize that you will never have a story like that of your own.


Go have a story like that of your own.
It's your choice.
YOU know what's stopping it from happening...so do something about it.

Thing is, in my personal experiences, people who are overly invested in their animals, are so, because they completely lack the social skills to make their company desirable to human beings. So, they compensate by convincing themselves that their pets "love" them in the same way that another human would.
Let me break it down to you....your pets love you, because you feed them. If you no longer had food to give them, they would eat you.
However, if a human is starving, I doubt they would eat their child or significant other...get it?

If in this life, you get along better with animals than you do people, it's because you're an asshole.
Let the kidding of your self stop at this sentence.

Don't be an asshole. Don't be someone who walks into a room and knows that you owe apologies to people who were never anything but good to you. What's the point of that? What are you getting out of it?
I mean, I'm an asshole...but just because I say inappropriate things and such. But I never go around trying to fuck people over.
That's just bullshit.
And if you are someone like that....how's that worked out for you so far?
No need to answer...I already know.

But on the flipside of that...respect people who are genuinely trying to redeem themselves.
Do you know how difficult that shit must be? To know that people are thinking about you in a poor light when you enter a room, to know that you have a long road to walk down until others see you the way you now want to be seen. To be acknowledged for *truly* correcting your mistakes, and for the life you live now, not the one that you once did?
That has to be the worst....but they still do it, because they want to be better than they were.
Be thankful, if you've never had to try that hard.

Apologize when you should.
If you've done something terribly wrong, say you're sorry.....and mean it.
However, saying you're sorry, and repeating the offensive action over and over again, means you really aren't sorry at all. I just put that on the table because I've known people in my 40 years that seemed to think otherwise.
And not apologizing doesn't make you sophisticated or powerful.....it just makes things worse.
Save that "Apologies are a sign of weakness" shit, for overdone 80's movie characters who are trying to pull off a hostile takeover or something...if you were an asshole...apologize!
It makes you more of an asshole than you already are if you don't, so at least make an attempt to right your wrongs.
After all, the only thing that you can ignore, and it'll just go away, is your teeth.
I learned that from an old Crest commercial, or something or the sort.

At the same time, however, don't think that just because you're truly sorry, people have to forgive you.
Sometimes, and for me especially, it's not so much a matter of holding a grudge, as it is that I feel there's no value to you in my life.
That doesn't mean that the new you can't have value in someone else's....just that I have invested more time than I should have in you, and am completely not interested in investing a second more.
I suspect others have that same kind of policy.
It's kinda like going to a shitty amusement park. You paid your entry fee, you went on all the rides, but at the end of the day, you felt like it wasn't worth the time or money you spent on it. Since then, it's added new rides and cleaned up it's act a bit, but you just have no desire to give it another go.
Saavy?
Good.
Let's move on.

Don't be a braggart.
Here's a little tip from me to you....when you go around broadcasting how great your life is to everyone who will listen, it usually means....you hate your life.
I don't mean the occasional, "I love my life!!!" statement, I mean the constant full resume of everything awesome about YOU, gimmick.

Overcompensation: n- an attempt to make up for a character trait by overexaggerating its opposite.

See?
It's really pretty basic, and the fact that I have to walk you people through such things, is a little embarrassing.
But more importantly than the fact that everyone knows you're full of shit, you're just plain fucking annoying!
If people are expressing a current dislike of their life, and you plow in there with your "resume of awesome", they hate you. You do not resonate with them on a human level.
No one is impressed. No one is wishing they were you.
You're just a douchebag.
A simple "Hey, I know what you mean", or an anecdote of yours that rings similarly to what they're expressing at the time, is a little more in order.
Despite what you clearly think, blowing out other people's candles does not make yours shine brighter.
It just makes everyone else hate your candle.


If you're in a shitty marriage or relationship....become an "Ex".
Unless you're the part of the marriage/relationship that's shitty...in which case...stop being an asshole.
If you're thinking you'll just get away with your bullshit forever and that they'll never leave you because they've put too much time in, or because you have kids now, or because they have too much to lose....man, do you have a rude awakening coming your way.
And here's the worst part, right around the time that you realize that you really fucked up something good, and want another chance....that person will have had a lifetime's worth of you, and will be down the road and never looking back.

If you've found someone that's truly good to you...hold on tight, and never let go.
The owner of Mr. Stompybottom cries themself to sleep each night wishing they had what you do.
And they're waiting for their chance to pounce on your fuck up.

But if you aren't the one screwing it up, and you're the decent one in the relationship...there is nothing worse than being stuck with someone you can't stand.
For all of you out there, and I know there are some, I feel your pain. I know what it's like to go out to social events, and want people to think that everything is everything in your marriage, to put on your best face and your best fake smile, but meanwhile be secretly evaluating who you should have stayed with/went for/never let get away/or would rather be with, instead.
It's a motherfucker, isn't it?

No matter how hard you try, you just can't get them to work with you to make the relationship good, right?

Look, it's just this simple....whether you're a man or a woman, and you're in one of these kinds of relationships, there is someone better for you out there!!
There's someone who has your sense of humor, someone who likes to talk about things you like to talk about, someone who wants to experience things that you want to experience, someone who isn't a drunk or a drug user, someone who doesn't lie to you constantly, someone who isn't violent or busting your balls constantly.
That, is who you should be with.

Life is short....it really is....why waste one more minute with someone who drains the life from your body?
Someone who is all about themselves.
Do you really want to be with them for the rest of your life?
No?
Then why be with them for the rest of the week?
It doesn't matter how much YOU valued a relationship, if the other person doesn't value it at all.
That's a VERY important thing to think about.

CARPE DIEM, BITCHES!!!

Spend as much time with your kids doing the things they want to do, as possible.
People will always tell you how fast it all goes by, and it's so incredibly true, that I really can't convey it accurately in words. One of my children will be a teenager in just a couple months, the other is a preteen....but I can still remember taking them hunting for Batman figures and Care Bears, and more importantly, the excitement they had when they found the exact one they were looking for, like it was yesterday.
And I always will.
I can't imagine being like some of the people I have seen, who have children, but invest no time into them at all. Who don't care what their interests are,  and who have never shown them something that sparked a new interest in them.
I also don't care for people who try to shelter their children from the realities of life. You aren't doing them, you, or anyone else a service.
Talk to them, and explain things in detail....you'll be surprised how much better things flow that way.

Place an inordinate amount of value on your friends.
They are the only people who know what a total fuck up you've been your whole life, yet still will call you to go out for a beer on Saturday.
There's something to be said about that. 

And express yourself.
Do something you like to do. Don't just be another cog in the machine...say something, draw something, build something, grow something, compose something...anything...but leave some kind of mark. Be known for SOMETHING even if you aren't good at it....just be known for trying to be.
Believe me, there are people that I can think of, that just the thought of them can bring a smile to my face, simply because of how badly they wanted to be good at something that they weren't.
There's something very endearing and admirable about that.

But most importantly, I guess, try to not look back and have too many regrets that weigh on you constantly.
Because I guess that's what all of it is about, right?
If you've done the terrible things I've mentioned here, and haven't done the great things, you probably have regrets.
That, I guess, is what we all need to figure out....how to avoid regret.

I'm still working on that.