Walter and Pacman For The Atari 2600.

I've already told you that I'm 40 now, so I have no problem admitting that I used to play the Atari 2600 like it was my job.
Seriously....as much as I possibly could, I was planted in front of that thing.
That was, until Colecovision came along, but that's a whole other story.

Now, if you were around in the early 80's, or hell, even are around now, which you clearly are because you're reading this, you no doubt know what Pacman is. More importantly, if you do, you also know what Pacman is supposed to look like.
But nowhere in your recall, do you remember Pacman looking like this, right?



THAT, was the Atari 2600 version of Pacman....and it was a complete and utter piece of shit.
Atari COMPLETELY screwed everyone with that version of Pacman.
And it never had to be that way....in fact, years later, it was proven that it never had to be that way.

A guy who wanted to show what a lazy job the Atari programmers did with their port of Pacman, programmed his own version of the game, using an emulated 2600 developers kit.
In short, his computer simulated the tools that he would have had back in the early 80's, if he were a real Atari game programmer.

Here's what he turned out...

So as you can see, Atari raped you.
Atari raped us.
That was the Pacman we could have been playing in our homes.

But, I do have some found memories about their version of the game. Not involving me actually playing that piece of shit, because I never really did. But involving my friend Walter.

Walter was a high strung young fella....so much so, that he had a Ritalin prescription.
But getting him to actually take his Ritalin, was a magic trick that his mother seldom could pull off.
So most days, his energy level was a little more than what was desired.

There were two things that Walter loved and gave his undivided attention to, and they were both on his Atari 2600.
Pacman and Yar's Revenge.
Both games, I found to be really shitty...but he adored them for some reason that I will never quite understand.
His Pacman sessions stand out for me more than Yar's Revenge, because he actually put himself into the Pacman world.

If you recall from the video I showed you of actual gameplay, the sounds, much like the graphics, were NOTHING like what we had come to know with the arcade Pacman experience. That somehow did not bother Walter in the least bit. In fact, he embraced it.
When Walter would successfully consume a ghost, he would exclaim "PAAAA-KOOOO!!!"....each and every time.

But there was also a sound effect that Walter created FOR the game.
See, the Atari version of Pacman didn't have the cherries, strawberries, and other various fruits as it's bonus items that would appear below the ghost box. It had a giant square.
Yes, a square.
But Walter decided that it was a pie.
Yes, a pie.
So, each and every time he would eat the pie, he would exclaim "PIE FOR WALTER!!" Each...and...every...time.

All was right in Walter's world!
Except for one small problem.
Walter's brother Robert, would want his turn with their video game system.
This usually consisted in Robert entering the room and saying "Gimmie the jewystick, Walter!"
Yes, the "Jewystick".

You see, back then, you didn't have a game controller, you had a joystick.
This joystick, to be precise....

 

For some reason though, it was refered to as a "Jewystick" around their household. It would have made more sense to call it a "Chewystick" though, because someone in that house had left teeth marks all over the rubber stick part. It was literally gnawed upon.

What I most remember about the Jewystick, was it's final day.
Walter was playing Yar's Revenge, and Robert entered the room in his usual way.
"Walter, it's my turn, give me the jewystick!"

This was basically ignored by Walter, who was entrenched in his game.
Robert was persistent though, and finally gained Walter's attention. Walter assured Robert that when his game was over, he would give him his turn.
But it seems that Walter's word wasn't exactly good, as once his game ended, he simply began a new one.
This sent Robert into a frenzy.
I remember the final moments going like this.....


"Give it, Walter!....give me the jewystick!.....Give it here!.....give it here!....gimmie the jewystick!.....give it!.....give it!!.....give it here!.....gimmie the jewystick!....give it here!"

And then, in a volcanic eruption, Walter shot up from his seat and yelled "FINE THEN!!!!!", and smooth blasted Robert right on his skull top with the...."Jewystick".
I think someone didn't take their Ritalin that day.

It what seemed like slow motion, I remember the orange button flying across the room, and the stick flying another way, and then silence.
Just pure silence....a silence that matched my disbelief at what I had just seen.
But suddenly, the silence was broken by Robert wailing in pain. I remember him walking up the basement steps on his path to tell their mother, holding his head, and doing one of those screams that kids do where no sound is even coming out, but when it does, it's blood curdling.

Walter, knowing the ass whooping he was about to receive, looked to me and said in a panic "WE GOTTA GO!!!"....and out the back door we went!
As we darted up the alleyway, Walter's mother screamed from the kitchen window "You gotta come home sometime, boy!!!!!", and he did, but hey....why be killed now, when you can be killed later, right?

What's my point in all this?
My point is that Atari could have made a better Pacman, but I still have fond memories of the piece of shit they gave us, anyway.
Sometimes the things that suck the most, are the most fun to look back on.
Well....not for Robert, though.