Are You F**KING Kidding Me, America?!?!?

You know, EVERYONE involved in this, from the parents, to the instructors, to the cheering crowd, should be shot. Or better yet, save money on bullets, and just padlock the doors, and gas the facility that this is being held in.

Hey, jizzrags....when all of your little angels up there on the stage, have an STD, or are pregnant before they turn 13, don't you DARE blame anyone but your selves.

It really makes you think....what kind of Father would allow his daughter to participate in something like this? Why would he want to see that display from his CHILD?
And let's emphasize that again, because we've clearly become so depraved in this Country, that there are now people who CHEER this kind of thing from......C H I L D R E N.

And then people wonder why religious zealots view us as the source of all evil?

Un F'ING believable.

Kimberly Ann Hoyle - April 17, 1969 - April 23, 2010

I woke from a nap this afternoon, while down here in Bethany Beach, DE, to find a text message on my phone that really threw me. It asked me if Kim Hoyle had died.

I then checked Facebook (the place where my interactions with Kim had taken place over the last year or so), to see what was going on. It was there that I saw that, in fact, Kim Hoyle had indeed passed away.

In 1985, I sat in the back of Mr. Leung's math class at Concord High School with two other guys, Jackie and Matt. These seats were strategically chosen by us, because in the back, is where all the cool people sat.

YOU wouldn't understand the intricacies of such a brilliantly hip social mechanism. :)

At the very front of our rows, sat Scott, Flora, and Kim Hoyle. I remember this, because on more than one occasion, while being some level of a wiseass, Kim would get up, come to the back, and threaten me with physical abuse. Hey, what do you want from me? I tell you all the time that I was a complete asshole. Besides, I think I would always pass the blame on to Matt or Jackie anyway. 

When passing papers to the back, Kim would have to get up and walk to us, because there was a huge gap between us in the back, and Kim and crew up front. Kim would hand the papers to me with a look of disgust, or some *noise* that indicated disgust. It was different than the look of disgust that other girls gave me at the time, because it contained the hint of violence, and I wasn't gonna push the issue!!

Pretend we just hit a virtual fast forward button, and we have arrived in the days of Facebook and lattes. See, Facebook wasn't invented in the 80's, and I think frozen yogurt with granola on top was the latte of the time, but I was never as trendy as you, so I could be wrong.

About a year ago, during one of my MANY babbling sessions about how men are superior to "wimmens" on Facebook, I noticed a friend request. It was from Kim Hoyle, and I thought "Uh Oh!" .

Clearly, I had said something wrong again, and Kim was walking back from the virtual front of the class to let me know I could get hurt!

But that wasn't the case at all.

From that day forward, Kim joined in on the bash sessions....ALWAYS bringing something hilarious to the table. And ok, women may want to stop reading right about now....but here goes....I don't find a lot of women to be...funny. Like female comedians for instance...I don't find them funny. They just don't have the same sense of humor as me, so it all just falls flat.

But not Kim. She was truly hilarious.

She was part of a small group of women that made me laugh consistently. She "got it" somehow, when so many other women don't. I hope she knew that, because sadly, I never told her that the way I said it here today. I said it with "lol" from time to time, because that's how we talk now. But I didn't say it the way I wish I did now.

It's funny how we all change and grow, or how our perceptions of someone, are often not even remotely correct.

Today, while I lament the loss of a friend, I'm thankful for the fact that she became one. While so many times, we hear how our generation spends too much time socializing "virtually", I would suggest that without that, I would never have known the wit of Kim Hoyle. I would have simply remembered the look of disgust from Mr. Leung's class.  And I would suspect that the MANY other people who loved interacting with her, and who had a daily smile brought to their face by her would say the same. 

Kim Hoyle was a STRONG presence in a world where your words and thoughts are the only tools you have to demonstrate *who you are* to the masses. She had things to say, and she said them with a wit, wisdom, and sense of humor that can only be described as a gift.

You will be missed deeply, sister.

Rest In Peace.

Why Women Get The Short End Of The Stick When Money Grubbing

The other night, my girlfriend and I were watching "Millionaire Matchmaker".
If you haven't seen it, it's a show where Millionaires claim to want to "settle down", and go to a matchmaking service designed specifically for them and their brethren, to "find love".

Following their consultation with the matchmaker, she rounds up a huge group of money grubbing whores (oh shut up, that's EXACTLY what they are.), and said whores do their best peacocking to land the Millionaire.

To call it a disgusting display of moral bankruptcy is like saying the girl who played "Precious" is *kinda* overweight.

We watched as these men behaved like complete dickbags, yet these "dollar signs in their eyes" holes, giggled and smiled like they met the most charismatic man in the world.

For the record....to me....this is one of the most disgusting characters traits a human being can possess. You are an utterly worthless, vapid sack of shit, if this is your outlook on what's important in a relationship.

Glad we got that out of the way?
So am I.

NOW, all of this of course led up to us discussing what's worse....to be the man who is only looking for a hot woman to be on his arm and not caring about her personality....or to be the woman who just wants $$$$$, and ignores the fact that the guy is either completely unattractive...or a total asshole....or both.

The answer is of course....the woman.
Stop yelling at me....you didn't even let me explain yet!!!!

See, here's the deal:
Men....by nature....are pigs.
They want to bang EVERYTHING, and they don't care how they have to make that happen.
BUT, one of the main things that men know, is that having money, is the backstage pass to the Vaginapalooza.

You see, men know that SO MANY women, will open their legs for them, simply because they have money. They will overlook the way the man behaves....the way he looks....his age....and every other detrimental aspect of their being, as long as they get to have his credit card to go shopping with.
For that $$$$, women will give their most prized possessions...their body and their dignity....to ANY man. She will alter her behavior....she will pretend to like things that she doesn't....she will laugh at things she doesn't find funny....she'll commit sex acts she doesn't enjoy....she'll do WHATEVER IT TAKES to be able to tell her friends where he took her this weekend and what he bought her.

Now, one can make the argument that she's getting what she wants out of the deal, and that he in turn, is compromising himself also, to simply have a hot woman on his arm.
And you would be mostly correct...from a moral standpoint.

But see, there's one small problem with that.
To a filthy rich guy....money doesn't mean anything anymore.
Taking you on a $5,000 Vegas weekend, is the equivalent to me taking a woman to Taco Bell.
It's a throwaway item....it doesn't impact me one way or the other.
AND, he's not looking for anything more than your vagina...and wherever else you'll let him put it in you....and in the other girl he's invited into your bed.
He's not selling his soul to screw you, ladies....but YOU ARE selling yours for his cash.

At some point in time, he'll tire of you.
And when it's all said and done, you start getting older, and no matter how hot you are at *your age*, you aren't as hot as a 23 year old version of you. Things start to change for you....for what you can get with your vagina.

But what changes for him?
Nothing.

He can be 88 years old, and there will still be some vapid whore that will laugh at his cornball ass jokes, and ride his Viagra filled mule, just so she can drive his Mercedes around town.
He never wanted anything more than sex with a hot young girl, and he still has that.
And his money?
Well that was ALWAYS his the whole time....it was never really yours.

But your dignity?
That belongs to him now too.
His money bought and paid for that.
Get it?

The Most Controversial Video You Will See Lately.

This is a video of a U.S. Apache gunship opening fire on a crowd of Iraqi civilians and two Reuters news service employees in 2007. Wikileaks obtained the video and is now dispensing it through the internet. The soldiers in the Apache are claiming to see weapons, but it seems that it's camera bags and a telephoto lens.

If I have to tell you that this is going to be EVERYWHERE over the next couple days, I would probably have to explain to you that fire burns too.

What a shitty situation for everyone involved.
I can see how the constant threat of death can make you quick to pull a trigger....but what do you do when you kill people who meant you no harm?

Anna Paquin Is Bisexual

And somehow....I just don't seem to care.
Is it just me, or are the days of "OMG (Fill In The Blank) is GAY!!!!" just kinda over?

I mean, the other day, I seriously watched people be SHOCKED that Ricky Martin was gay.
Seriously?

Let me help you out, America.....if a man enjoys gyrating his hips around in extremely tight designer dress pants....he's more than likely gay.
Why?
Because MEN don't do shit like that.
Oh, fuck you!
That's right, I'm taking it back to the old school....MEN....REAL MEN....don't act like that.
Real men are jerks, and they're content to be jerks.
They have no desire to learn the latest "hot dance moves".

And here's a tip for you women....when you see a guy out on the dance floor that has NO IDEA what he's doing....he's a MAN.
Dumb like a fuckin' dog chasing a ball....he's out there embarrassing the shit out of himself in hopes that you'll give him a "treat" at the end of it.
Hell, some of these guys are so pathetic, that you can almost see them panting and awaiting approval.

SO, we've learned today that people are sometimes gay, and that you'll be ok if they are, and that men are dumb like dogs.

SEE?

The following video is for Cyndi Lauper's "Give A Damn" Campaign, which I personally think is a really shitty name for an organization...BUT, it's for a good cause, so I'll leave it alone.
It's an organization she started to protect the rights of gays, lesbians, and transgendered people.

Oh stop it, it's ok to let everyone else on the planet live life the way that makes them the most happy....trust me, you'll be amazed at how easy it is to do if you just mellow out a bit.

Although, Kim Kardashian likes to be pissed on, and I find that REALLY jacked up.
So maybe I'm a hypocrite.
I think Cyndi needs to get Kim out of the video, because I have a hard time taking the opinion of someone who allows another person to urinate on them, seriously, and I think they smell like pee the whole time they're talking.



http://www.wegiveadamn.org

Hollywood Sucks....Again.

Just go ahead and stare at that for a bit.
Remember when you were a kid, and you would watch that while eating a Fluffernutter sandwich? (Well YOU did, I always thought that shit was nasty)
Just look at it for a while.
I'll wait.



Synopsis from IMDB:

Jellystone Park has been losing business, so greedy Mayor Brown decides to shut it down and sell the land. That means families will no longer be able to experience the natural beauty of the outdoors -- and, even worse, Yogi and Boo Boo will be tossed out of the only home they've ever known. Faced with his biggest challenge ever, Yogi must prove that he really is "smarter than the average bear" as he and Boo Boo join forces with their old nemesis Ranger Smith to find a way to save Jellystone Park from closing forever.

Wow.
So this is where we are now?
Now we'll be taking Hanna Barbera shorts and turning them into full length films?
Can't wait for Hong Kong Phooey!!!

Oh, and if the suck level wasn't bad enough, Dan Aykroyd is voicing Yogi, and...ready for this....Justin Timberlake is Boo-Boo.....SO, we can FULLY expect an R&B musical number, complete with Yogi doing a rap at the bridge.
I'm picturing all the woodland creatures in a choreographed number, and Ranger Smith fighting the urge to "get down", but finally giving in and maybe doing the "Cabbage Patch" or something.
OOOOHHHH THE HILARITY...........L......O.......MOTHER F'ING.......L!!!!!!!!

Fuck you, Hollywood.
Seriously.

"F**K YOU, AAAAND YOUR CHEESEBURGER, MOTHERF**KER!!!"

Ah, drunken late nights, at fast food restaurants!
Is there anything more interesting?
What job should pay more, really?

In the following video, we see the North American Douchehound in it's natural habitat, during one of it's feeding sessions. It makes many attempts to establish itself as the Alpha Male to the rest of the pack, only to be disgraced by what it believes to be a weaker opponent.
See: Beard Man, Epic.

Anudder Cast: Episode 4our

It's from last week, but I've been busy.....More on the death of Corey Haim, Sony signs Michael Jackson to the biggest recording contract in history…yes, the DEAD Michael Jackson, Gilligan’s Island is coming to a theater near you, Women have designer vaginas, Delaware Metal Band “Solitude” reunite for one night on April 17th 2010.

Closing song “Twisted” by Solitude

Episode 4our at Podbean

Solitude Reunion

If you're in the Delaware, Maryland, New Jersey, Pennsylvania, Kabul, and Tehran areas, you won't want to miss this.

I'm Back From The Beach....

I had a VERY relaxing and pleasant weekend in the Bethany Beach/Rehoboth Beach, Delaware area this weekend. But, being the asshole that I am, I took some time to notice a few things that I think I should point out to you, because I'm a pal and all.

1.) As I told you in my previous update, people are morons. They get SO overly excited with themselves the moment that the weather hits 70 degrees. There were a gaggle (see, I used the word gaggle, because they all reminded me of silly geese, and GAGGLE, is the word for a large amount of geese. You wouldn't understand a word like that because it's outside of your lexicon. So is "lexicon" for that matter, so we should probably just quit while I'm ahead.).....where was I....oh yeah, there were a gaggle of people walking around in swimsuits and laying on the beach, because it was 70 degrees.
Hey, doucherockets, LAST weekend they held the "Polar Bear Plunge" on the very same beach that you are currently pretending you are sunning on the French Riviera on.
Let that marinate for a bit.

2.) If you wake up and begin drinking Margaritas at 10:30am, you, while becoming awesome, also run out of gas around 6pm.
Oh whatever, I'm almost 40, you assclown....I'm not out power drinking and trying to prove something to you and your frat brothers.
P.S. Dave Matthews is a cockrag....put that in your "Rusty Rudder Beer Bong" and chug it down.

Wait....is he even cool anymore?
Fuck, I suck at this.

3.) When they tear down a building on Rehoboth Avenue, you can see the remains of the original buildings that have been embedded within the walls of newer buildings for probably close to a hundred years....
See?


To tie this visual into something Rehoboth Beach, DE related....it looks like the house after Dorothy lands in Oz, but the film hasn't fully transitioned to Technicolor yet.

Judy Garland.
Over the Rainbow.
Rehoboth.
Get it?

For the record, the above picture was once an alleyway where Phineas Cobblebottom performed the first act of sodomy on Wallace Giles Featherloafer in Rehoboth Beach in 1892.
Right afterward they opened a restaurant and began making ridiculously delicious culinary fare, and thus set the course for the vacation destination that has led up until current day.

Ok, maybe none of that is true, but it sounds good, and no one can argue that the restaurants in Rehoboth are awesome, so take your homophobia and do what Phineas did to Wallace with it.

Oh.....OH....and while I was in one of my Margarita induced stupors, I saw a preview for a new Kirstie Alley vehicle coming to A&E....I don't remember what it was called, so let's just call it "Fat Again".

*PAUSE*

Ok, holy shit....after I typed what I just typed, I decided to go to YouTube to see if I could find the trailer, and there was a Flash based Kirstie throwing her fat around to knock pretend videos out of the way.
Can we PLEASE stop with the "Fat Kirstie" stuff?
I mean, this has BECOME her career....and that shouldn't be acceptable to anyone.
How many times now have we seen Kirstie become "fat and sassy", then lose weight....then become fat again??
And can you PLEASE not mention wanting a "booty call" when you look like John Candy in drag?

Oh and anudder ting, and it's 2010...motherfuckers have been born, and graduated High School since "In Living Color" was hip, so can you stop saying "Booty Call"?
Should people who don't like it "Step Off" too?

Anyway...here's some sort of preview to the trainwreck.



Look, I'm sure Kirstie is a nice person....but ENOUGH already.

Eh....whatever with all that.
Let's end with something funny.
Deal?

Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis: Ben Stiller from Between Two Ferns