The Failed Art Of The Apology

See how smart I am, America?
I told you on January 31, 2009 that you would turn on Michael Phelps, and you did just about a week later.
Ok, maybe I'm not that smart...maybe you're just that predictable now.

So now, he gets to be suspended for 3 months and Kellogg's has dropped him from a deal he had with them in which he would adorn their cereal boxes. But here's what's funny about it all...the suspension will be over before it hurts America's chances at the World Championships this July....I mean, he needs to be taught a lesson, but not at OUR expense, right? Sure, he's a vile dopehead, but we need him to win us some championships!!!
We can lay our "holier than thou" attitudes down for that, surely.
I mean, priorities, people!!

Everywhere I read, I see him saying "I'm so ashamed of myself...I have to live with this for a long time now".
Doesn't that make you feel better?
Everything you wanted to hear, right?
Or will you keep digging your claws in now?

See, it seems in America anymore, an apology is nothing more than a sign of weakness.
Think about it...who have you ever seen apologize, and things just went away?
It doesn't happen like that. America LOVES to build someone up so they can tear them down. They LOVE that.

In June 2006, the Philadelphia Commission on Human Relations began pursuing a discrimination case against "Geno's Steaks" owner Joey Vento. Vento put up a sign at his store that read something to the effect of "We reserve the right to refuse service to anyone who doesn't speak English when ordering."
People were appalled...they wanted Vento fined, tarred and feathered, and whatever else they could conjure up in their heads for such a "grotesque" offense.
More likely, they just pretended to be upset, because it's what they've been trained to do...but that's a whole other discussion, isn't it?

So everyone waited for Joey Vento to apologize...surely now that the National spotlight was on him, he would not act so "South Philly" and cave to the pressure, right?
Wrong.

Vento did the EXACT opposite of what America was waiting for him to do.
He refused to apologize, he reminded everyone that he owned the property that Geno's is located on, that he had more money than he could ever spend in his CHILDREN'S lifetime, and that if ANY action was levied against him, he would board up Geno's and let it sit there like that for the rest of time as a black eye on Philadelphia's face.

Amazingly....the case just faded away without so much as another peep.
Subsequently, Vento has stated that his business only INCREASED as a result of the position he took during the scandal. Furthermore, the media was no longer interested because Vento wasn't going to cry and grovel everytime a camera was put in front of him.

But that wasn't how it went for Don Imus, was it?
He apologized to EVERYONE who would listen, but he was still fired, drug through the mud, and never really regained the position that he previously held.

So you see kids, apologizing doesn't always make it better. In fact, it more often makes it worse.

In a perfect world, Michael Phelps would tell America that he owns his swimming abilities, and that if any action is taken against him, he'll close up shop here and go swim for Japan, the land that LOVES American celebrity endorsements.

Then, he would go to Geno's in Philly, and have one "wit and wiz" with a Birch Beer.
And I'd meet him there because writing that shit just made me hungry!

And The Gold Medal For Bong Hits Goes To....MICHAEL PHELPS!

Ok, seriously America....can we stop getting all jacked off about shit like this?

I'm gonna say some shit right now that's gonna throw you through a tailspin.
Ready?

PEOPLE SMOKE WEED!

That's right...people smoke weed.
They do it now...they've done it before us....and they'll do it WAY after we're gone.

So Michael Phelps will now be run through the mill because he got caught hitting a bong. By the way, did anyone NOT think this fucker was smoked up all the time?
See, I didn't follow the Olympics...I couldn't give a squirt of piss that this cat can swim....good....REALLY good....whatever, it didn't make a damn bit of difference to me.
Why?
Because Michael Phelps don't pay my bills.
I know, that's a shock...but if you go and check your canceled checks, you'll see he don't pay yours either.
So as far as I'm concerned, that cat could have so many Gold Medals on him that you could mistake him for C3PO, and I wouldn't give a FUCK!
Ok...that's a lie...especially if he was standing next to a round topped trash can.

Think about the visual for a minute, I'll wait till you get it.

Good?
See that was funny, right?

Anyway, on that same token....I don't give a fuck if he smokes weed, either. Not that I'm some big weed smoker who just wants the threat of being busted to go away or someting. Actually, quite the contrary...I don't use drugs at all. Never really did. I just base life on logic, kinda like Spock from Star Trek.
Logic goes like this....if alcohol is legal, so should marijuana be. Wait, did I word that right? Why does that sound like some Yoda shit to me?
Screw it anyway, Yoda made some sense with his backward ass shit too.

And please don't start with the "But he's a role model for the...wait for it....CHILDREN!" You know who your child's role model is?...YOU, stupid!
The minute you start looking to a Michael Phelps to be your child's role model because he can swim back and forth really fast, you really need to sit down with yourself and try to pinpoint the exact moment you became an unadulterated jackass.

See here's the thing that makes me different than you...I don't expect people to act correctly. I never did.
In fact, I always assume the worst of a cat, and then it's like a surprise when they do shit right.
It's like fucking Hanukkah all the time...except I'm not Jewish.

Speaking of that, you HAVE to see "The Boy In The Striped Pajamas".
Every once in a while, Hollywood....you do something correct. But, what an ending!
I didn't expect that shit at all.

What am I doing? YOU aren't gonna watch something interesting like that...you're busy waiting for a "House Party" sequel or something, aren't you?
Christ, you're probably listening to "Tubthumpin'" from Chumbawumba while you're reading this and REALLY enjoying it, aren't you?

But you know what I WILL say about all of this?
If a cat who can dazzle the World with his athletic prowess, likes to get smoked up from time to time...or fuck it...if he wakes and bakes and keeps the shit going all day until he lays his head down at night....hell, if he gets high UNDERWATER...who are you to tell him it's wrong?

Can YOU out perform that guy?

He was your hero a minute ago, America...he was a "phenom", remember?
Guess your "phenom" likes to smoke weed.
It'll be ok, America.

HEY, look over there...isn't that Britney?!?!?