Thank You Easter Monkey

I think this is going to be the last year for the Easter Bunny in my home. I'm ready for a change. We're going outside of the box. We're switching over to the Easter Monkey next year.

See, really what's so unusual about a rabbit hopping past your house on a normal day? It's not uncommon at all. Easter really needs to adopt a more uncommon mascot. Something that would make you say -- "Well I'll be gal damned. Lookee over there Margaret, there's a monkey tossing out candy about that house."

I mean Christmas really got it right. Look they have their magical, super-sized Coca-Cola can sliding down chimneys leaving gifts hand-made by under-aged sweat shop elves, and imported by Wal-Mart. If Easter really wants to make the big-time, and pass Valentines Day and Mothers Day for sales they simply need to revamp their marketing plan. I mean jeez, it's the new economy people. Have you learned nothing? You can't just keep riding on the coat-tails of the status quo. Even the tooth fairy figured this out a long time ago, and is currently turning a nice little profit selling ground up baby teeth as some kind of crazy dick hardening elixir over in Chinatown.

Another big down side to the stupid Easter Bunny thing is: you don't have anything to help instill a little fear into kids with. And everybody knows, for proper discipline, you need a little fear. With Christmas, you can always throw out that lump of coal thing. But with Easter, what's the fear? You may miss out on a few peeps this year? Please, that's a reward to me. If the kid is fucking up anywhere from January to Easter, with the Easter Monkey gimmick, you can always tell the kids: "Keep it up, and when the Easter Monkey gets here, he's going to throw crap at you through the bars of his cage". The threat of shit in the face always gets my kids in line, it's like 100%...seriously, you should try it.

I dig the jellybeans, but that's pretty much where the goodness ends for me, with Easter. I'm really ready to drop the whole colored eggs thing. Another antiquated idea that doesn't work in the modern economy, might as well keep using an abacus over a calculator...Easter really is the water-head of holidays. No shit, we have 36 colored, hard boiled eggs in my fridge right now. I'm not fucken Cool Hand Luke here, what the hell am I going to do with 36 hard boiled eggs? I asked my chick, and her reply was that she was going to make some egg salad. Mmmm, appetizing, green and purple egg salad -- kind of reminds me of when Heinz tried selling that colored ketchup; I just couldn't get past the green on my fries...but I digress. This is where Easter fails miserably. Eggs go along with bunnies as well as, talking about your grandmother in the nursing home during sex. With my plan, the Easter Monkey plan, I'm going to unify the belts. We're going to finally have an Easter snack that matches the mascot. Bananas, of course...remember they're healthy, plenty of potassium and plenty of vitamin C. You can douse a banana in chocolate for a magical fondue desert, split it, add ice cream and you have a fantastic sundae. Have you ever had a banana shake? It really is to die for, simply wonderful. But really, let's bottom line it, what's better floating, solidified in Jello than some banana slices? Nothing, that's what, nothing. By the way, are there any monkeys that eat coconuts, because I really dig coconut in desserts too.

So next time Easter comes a callin', dump this stupid, failed experiment called the Easter Bunny, and bring on the Easter Monkey. He's cute, lovable, and he'll fling shit at your kids if they're fucking around.

SURPRISE! Hillary Clinton Is A Liar!

And in an equally shocking news item...the sky is blue!
This is just awesome....seriously, I don't think I ever saw someone so busted in a lie.
The worst part is...that statement was in response to Sinbad...yes Sinbad, telling people that he was there, and they were NEVER in danger. He actually stated something to the effect of "The most difficult part of our trip was trying to figure out where to eat next".
So what does ole' Hillary do? Why dig the hole deeper of course!
Then the viddy comes and basically rapes her in front of the nation....all while in the background Sinbad is doing standup about... "Remember how when you were a kid, if you weren't home when the street lights came on, your Dad would get drunk and punch your Mom in the face?!?"

Well, it went something like that anyway.
Here's the vid:

Amy Winehouse is HOT!

Does it get any hotter than this?
No...no it doesn't. Except maybe Mama Fratelli from The Goonies.
Oh and if you're wondering what the big round discoloration on her cheek is, apparently she put a cigar out on her face during an "episode" of sorts. Let's see ProActive fix THAT shit!!

This is something quite spectacular really. I mean this HAS to be the biggest public self destruction that we've ever seen.
I wonder what this means to kids today? It's always hard for me to gauge shit like this, because I never really used drugs...I drank, and I know people call that a drug...but you know what I mean, I never used *drugs*.
So I don't know what would have deterred me from using them if I were so inclined. But I would THINK this would do it for me. Back when I was coming up, we had the rockstars and actors that partied a lot, but I don't think we ever got to watch them getting so jacked up on junk that you just KNEW death would come knocking soon. They usually would just be found dead, and THEN all the sordid stories of their drug addiction would come out. So, while we lost someone whose work we enjoyed, we didn't see it coming...at least not like this.
But this is different.
Today, kids...all of us...get to watch in full High Definition splendor as the once brightest stars in the sky burn out and die. I can't see how this could be perceived as an attractive lifestyle to today's youth.
But now that I think about it, what the hell am I talking about? I used to think it was AWESOME that Ozzy Osbourne bit a bat's head off.
Hmm...what's really worse here, now that I'm looking at things?
Oh well....it's a tie more or less.

Regardless...Britney, the benchmark has been set by Winehouse in this current day battle.
Batter UP!

Goodbye Asshat

America finally agreed with me, and Leather Tuscadero v2.0 is GONE!
This one trick pony did one Janis Joplin impersonation too many and got the boot.
I hate myself for watching this tripe, but I get very caught up in shit. Although, The Beatles thing has to go, I understand they paid top dollar for the rights to sing them, but that doesn't mean that we need to hear non stop Beatles songs. They just don't translate very well for me in 2008...then again, I never liked them.
If anyone on that show had any REAL balls, they'd cover Jermaine Stewart's "We Don't Have To Take Our Clothes Off To Have A Good Time"....because never has there been such a hilarious song!

"Ride Up And Down...On The Inchworm"

If only chicks would maintain this attitude in adulthood...I'd have done a lot better for myself, and I wouldn't need therapy to help me erase the echoing sounds of laughter that taunt me relentlessly.
Um....nevermind....ignore that.

Anyway, this toy was a douchebag.

I Should Be A Scientologist

This looks just great!

They apparently throw you huge birthday parties on CRUISE SHIPS, where you can get up and sing with the band who plays ENTRANCE MUSIC when you walk in to a room!
No, seriously....look....



What? What do you mean they only do that for Tom Cruise?
Well fuck it then.

A couple of things...
1.) Cruise looks like a complete ass hammer singing that song. That right there, is the most cornball, whitebread bullshit that I think I have even seen. That video is actually cringe inducing to me.
The hand clapping. The "ISN'T THIS GREAT!?!?" looks that he's giving the people sitting next to him...the maniacal laughter...and that move where guys put their fist out and then pull back to their mid-section..WTF is that?!?!? WHO DOES THAT?
And it's all music from HIS films...what a self congratulatory bastard!

2.) His vocal stylings are very reminiscent of Chris Burke from ABC's long canceled "Life Goes On" ,when he went through that phase where he started a band. Plus, it's clear that the whole "impromptu" performance was anything but. Just watch the end...Cruise and the chick know EXACTLY what to do in sync. Which reminds me of something I've always hated about musicals like Grease....why are we supposed to believe that everyone just KNOWS the words to the song...or how to do all the dance moves in sync?
It's just bullshit when you think about it.
Like how did everyone know that the response to "We go to---ge---ther, like" was "Ram-a--lam-a-lam-a-da-ding-a-da-ding-a-dong"?

......Wait....and what the fuck is THAT, while we're at it?!?!?
WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?!?!?
Two things have become VERY clear to me after all of this....
1.) I need my own theme music too.
2.) I need a drink.

Lost Boys 2: The Tribe

WHY?!?!?

Ok, I know....for money.
But why ruin this? And how fucking cornball is Corey Feldman is this trailer?
That gimmick worked in the first one because he was a young kid. But he's, I'm assuming, supposed to be 37 in this one. Who would want to be around this tool acting this way? Has the character experience NO growth at all?

"I'm Edgar Frog, surfboard shaper and vampire hunter!".
"Your sister's a suck monkey!"

WHAT?!?
And even the lame ass headband too, Corey?

And what's the problem with a chick being a suck monkey?
What's her phone number?
Wait....he doesn't mean it that way, does he?

I have to say though...the remake of Gerard McCann's "Cry Little Sister" sounds hot at any rate.

Anyway...the trailer:

Keith Olbermann Handles The SHIT out of the Clinton Team!

This has to suck if you're on Team Clinton....but he's 100% on the money.
How you don't just slam the shit out of Ferraro if you're Hillary is beyond me.

Edward Norton is "The Hulk"

So we've got another Hulk movie on the way, I guess because Ang Lee's version a few years ago didn't do enough damage.
Here's the Teaser:

The Incredible Hulk. 2008 teaser trailer. - Watch more free videos


Now, I can't help but feel that this looks about as bad as the last one. Sure Norton brings a little more credibility to the Banner character, but maybe The Hulk is just some lame ass shit?
Thinking about it now...it's a pretty stupid character, and I NEVER have been able to get past the pants thing. You just can't grow ten times your original size and still fit in the same pants...just ask Kirstie Alley. (See how I just went all catty gossip columnist right there? That rocked.)

But seriously, in the face of the insanely badass "Iron Man" trailer, and what appears to be Heath Ledger's amazing take on the Joker in "The Dark Knight" trailer...this is just bad timing for the special ed student of the Superhero world.

I think the way to go would have been to have Norton return to his role from "American History X" and THEN be exposed to Gamma Rays and get the Hulk powers.
Just imagine the curb stomp scene then.....

Just.....UGH!

Ok, let's get this out of the way....I watch American Idol from time to time. Commence with your "Fag" comments........

Done?

Good. Now, I absolutely can't stand the chick in the picture here. I don't know her name off the top of my head, but I refer to her as Leather Tuscadero 2. If you grew up on Happy Days, you know what I'm talking about...if you didn't...I'm not talking to you.

Point is...this chick is everything suck.
Just look at her...go ahead...look at her. WHO POSES LIKE THAT?
Seriously...WTF is with the "Look at me...I'm SO Rock!" bullshit? I really hate that shit, and I always did. I could see maybe doing it to parody people who actually do it but seriously...what are you proving with that?

"Oh watch out for me! My tongue is out and I'm making the metal hand!!!!!" I'm CRAAAAZY!!!"

To top it all off, I can't stand the way this busted ass Vampirella looking hooker sounds either. Her vocal "styling" is some wannbe Janis Joplin bullshit vibe, while she gyrates around making Elvis Presley snarls.

UGH.

This is what I deserve for watching this show, I guess.

Damn, Sex Will Really "F" You Up

In Pulp Fiction, Marcellas Wallace said to Butch, "...you may feel a slight sting. That's pride fucking with you. Fuck pride. Pride only hurts, it never helps" Now if Tarantino was really trying to teach everyone a life lesson, he should have used the words "your cock" instead of "pride". That's your cock fucking with you. Fuck your cock. Your cock only hurts, it never helps.

I'm continually amazed at man's lack of ability to keep it in the pants. But, don't mistake me, I do not have a moral problem with whatever Eliot Spitzer may or may not be involved in -- it's his own business. Same goes for Larry Craig, Ted Haggard, Jim McGreevey, Bill Clinton or whoever, really. Consenting adults in their own bedroom and all that...what business is it of mine? Point is: maybe we shouldn't have to keep it in our pants all the friggen time; honestly, what difference does it really make?

I find it curious, though, how much we love the sex scandals. If a new beaver shot shows up from Britney or a tape from Paris Hilton, as a culture we love it. And if a Ted Haggard gay-prostitution-meth scandal hits the papers, we love it. Press coverage soars, it's talked about on the entertainment shows, the news, talk radio. The Leno/Letterman writers are feverishly writing, ending up with an eventual Dateline interview/expose. Even the quote/unquote respectable news outlets run the story 24 hours a day. We eat that shit up like it was a shamrock shake on St. Pat's...but then, look down on it at the same time.

I just don't understand our culture sometimes; Forbes Magazine rated the porn industry at $11-14 billion (with a B) in 2001, with many of the big fortune 500 business raking in the cash, all behind the scenes. That's a lot of chedda' rolling in, from the same people who are looking down their noses at Spitzer, as I type . And that's the legitimate businesses, not including the "massage parlors" hidden in the back alleys of most every city.

I guess, the problems come in when people of influence are caught with their pants down, so to speak. Their dirty little secrets play out so big in the media and appears to be a sign of weakness. Thought being: if they can't make sound decisions for their own cocks, how are they going to make sound decisions for their states, or their ministries, or their countries? But, I find this notion so hypocritical. Does this little indiscretion negate all Spitzer has done, as A.G. going after the corruption on Wall Street? No, not at all.

I don't know about you, but I'm backing Spitzer on this one. He went to Princeton, Harvard Law and worked his way up to governor of his state...Give the guy a break. He deserves a few side "activities" to offset the daily grind of running New York.

Hey Eliot, don't let this little set-back change your lifestyle. Quit groveling to the press. Quit the apologizing to your family. Tell them the truth. Let them all know that your cock was hungry and you needed to feed it. If you want a little side beav from some dirty hooker, go for it. You're a man, do what men do. Just do a little better at keeping it quiet, like Kennedy did. ;)

Daylight Saving Time, Without The "S"

I just love the thought that many Americans (maybe most, I don't know) just change their clocks like they're supposed to, like sheep, without a clue why.

SNL on Politics

Thank goodness the writer's strike is over...I really missed Saturday Night Live. SNL is never better than during an election year, and lately there's been plenty of political fodder for them to satirize. Mike Huckubee's recent visit to the Weekend Update desk, where he stayed around for a few too many, uncomfortable minutes, was just fantastic comedy sketch writing.



Obama takes another one in the shorts, this time from a Robert Smigel cartoon.

One Of These Men Is Robert Downey Jr.

I need that "One Of These Things Is Not Like The Other" song from Sesame Street!

Patrick Swayze Has Cancer

Man, shit like this bums me out. I don't like seeing cats that I grew up watching, in a bad way.
It may sound selfish, but it bothers me on a personal level for some reason. I think it reminds me of my own mortality.

The thing about a guy like Swayze is, no matter when his time finally comes, he lives on forever.
That's the thing about being an actor...these people live on and on. I mean, throughout my life, I've watched films that contain actors and actresses that have since died, but I still recognize them instantly...we all do. People who weren't even born during his time know Humphrey Bogart...or recognize Clark Gable saying "Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn." We all know Marlon Brando...and for decades after their deaths, we'll know Deniro, Depp, Pitt, Hanks...etc.
Look at The Three Stooges! Who the hell doesn't INSTANTLY recognize The Three Stooges?

And just like those before him, and as I said, regardless of when his time finally comes, Swayze will always be Dalton to us, or Sam, or Bohdi....or maybe we'll hear him saying "Nobody puts Baby in a corner"...hell, I hate that movie...but I know that line. THAT'S what I'm talking about here! This guy is part of the pop culture of a lot of our lives.

Hollywood is the closest you can get to immortality in this life.
I wonder if actors ever stop to think about that?

Good Luck to you Mr. Swayze.

You can leave well wishes to him on his official Guestbook at:
http://www.patrickswayze.net

The Definition Of Degenerate Asshole

WARNING: If you are an animal lover you may not want to see this video.

You know what's weird....we all understand what war does to people...but when you see something like this, it's just vile. The soldier in this video has been identified. I won't give his name, but it can be found with a minimal amount of searching. His "profile" page on a certain site has been destroyed, and his home address and phone number are all over the place...I'm sure his phone number is already being changed.
I'll bet this one is gonna sting for QUITE a while.
Way to go, jackass!


US Soldier throws puppy off cliff - Watch more free videos

Dancing: The Worst Concept Ever?

Bring back some memories for some of you?

So last night some friends of mine had a birthday party for their son who turned 21....before I get in to the dancing thing...CHRIST does that make me feel old. I remember when this cat was born, I turned 21 around the same time as his father (which seems like yesterday by the way), and here their son is beginning the cycle all over again. I swear, with each passing day I find that I feel more and more like my parents. I wonder if when they were my age, they were also wondering why they didn't *feel * their age? Now, I'm the first to admit that I'm a bit of a jackass of sorts...I still laugh at very inappropriate things, and I'm often entertained with nonsensical bullshit...but I don't *feel* 37. That's almost 40, to you and me Rusty!!

Anyway, after the party some people went to a local place called Cafe Scalessa or something close to that name...so me, my girlfriend, and friend Darren followed. I was immediately reminded of something that I don't miss about being 21 and still in the bar scene.
Turns out, Cafe Scalessa was dance club...well at night anyway. During the day, it appears to be a pizza joint....yes you read that correctly. It apparently was VERY chic, because it had pictures of mobsters all over the place. And no, not real mobsters...at least that I saw...but Don Corleone, Tony Montana, Michael Corleone etc.
Read: Movie Mobsters.
Nothing says class like a still shot of Al Pacino in "Scarface" firing his "little friend" at his attackers.

But what's worse than a restaurant that would use this for their decor, is people who would feel at home around this decor. You know them...you've seen them...tanning bed addicted guys with hair drenched with TONS of product in it, pushed upward so they look like a Japanese Anime character, and girls whose sole source of identity shaking their ass around while mouthing all the words to the latest Fergie song.
They've existed throughout time in different shapes and forms, but somehow in their particular place in time, they've always looked the same by comparison to the rest of society.
And I've never "got" them or what they do.

When I was a younger fella, this was the show that was on every day when I got home from school. I would pass by it from time to time, and just shake my head. Maybe it was because I'm a "metal guy" at heart? Do any "metal guys" dance?
Anyway...I give you "Dancin' On Air"



See, I don't "get" dancing. As a man, I have no natural inclination to do it. Nothing in me says "OH SHIT, CHA CHA SLIDE!!!! QUICK, WHERE THE "F" IS THE DANCE FLOOR?!?!?"
I just don't get it.

Over the years, when I've asked guys that I know who dance why they do it, they always say the same thing...
"To get chicks, dude!"
Really? Does anyone really buy this? I mean, I could see attempting to dance to get a girl...I won't do it...but I could see it, I guess.
But I'm talking about guys who KNOW how to dance. Like when The Running Man was the hottest shit going...they OWNED The Running Man. Cats who would even have their tongue hanging out the side of their mouth while they held on to their ankle, because they saw David Silver dancing like that on 90210.
Wait...why would anyone emulate that assclown? In retrospect, wasn't that an awful show?
Eh...subject for another time.

But my point is...you just don't KNOW how to do that shit, right? I mean these guys had to be practicing in their bedrooms or something...am I right? I certainly wouldn't know how to just do that shit. I always pictured that if I actually danced, I would look like George McFly when he was standing there alone at the Enchantment Under The Sea Dance in Back To The Future. Just content to be a complete toolshed while bopping up and down out of sync with the song.
Who wants to look like that?

So in order to dance correctly...I'd have to practice...and as I said, I never had inclination to do so.
I don't like the music, the look, the dances...any of it. I do not like dancing in a house, I do not like it with a mouse. I do not like it here or there. I do not like it any where. But when I was younger...friends would insist on going to places like this.

Maybe 37 isn't so awful after all.