Al Alberts: Master Of Deception

It's true....and I think it scarred me for life.
And you know what? Even if it didn't, I will pretend that it did for the purposes of what I'm writing here today.

In all seriousness though, this is the first example of TRUE disappointment that I can remember.

For those who aren't familiar, Al Alberts was a staple of weekend television in the Philadelphia region all through the 70's and 80's. Italian mothers from all over South Philly made it their goal to get their little "Joey", "Michael", "Frankie", "Christopher" or "Anthony" on this friggin show.

(Yes, it is a FACT that we're all named one of those choices....there are variables, but SOMEWHERE in the name, whether it's a born middle name, or you take it at Confirmation, your name contains one if not MORE of those choices. For instance...I happen to own Joseph AND Anthony...so there!)

Then again, now that I'm thinking about it...my friend's sister was DYING to get on Al Alberts who when she was in her teens. I remember going over to his house, and she would be working on a dance routine to Shannon's "Let The Music Play".
His mother would watch her, and then turn to me and say... "Isn't she REALLY good?"
I'd politely nod yes....but in my head I would be thinking....
"Good at WHAT?!?!?...some bullshit routine to a shitty song? And where does it all go from here, if she DOES end up on his show? Will she be dazzling the world on the Tonight Show with this routine next?"

You know, I swear I have no idea why ANYONE hangs out with me....I'm really not a pleasant person now that I think about it.

Oh...some brief history.....

Alberts was born Al Albertini in Chester, PA (Chester REPRESENT!!!), and went on to become a member of the singing group The Four Aces., whose biggest hit was "Love Is A Many Splendored Thing", for the movie of the same name, AND I believe it was in the opening beach sequence in Grease. But NOW, by the time that Grease was in theaters, was hosting a local talent show.

There.
Are you caught up?

By the way, as a kid when everyone played Grease, I always wanted to be Kenickie because his name was cool, and he wasn't all being a bitch over some chick. He was getting broads pregnant and chillin'.
Meanwhile, Danny was wearing sweaters and trying out for the track team and.....oh nevermind.

Anyhoo, people....yours truly ran into Al Alberts when he was around 5 years old at Hershey Park. Now if you've seen the pics of me at my Facebook page, I was just ADORABLE, and Al and his wife Stella stopped to talk to me.
Al said to me "You know what, Joey....if you watch my show NEXT WEEK, I'm gonna say a special hello just to you!"

NOW, I was 5 or so....I had NO IDEA what "local" celebrity meant. All I knew is that you were on the same TV as Hong Kong Phooey, and therefore you were something VERY special.
SO, when the next Saturday arrived, I EAGERLY waited for the start of The Al Alberts Showcase.
Normally, I hated when it came on...for two reasons....
ONE, because it signaled the end of Saturday Morning Cartoons, and TWO, because my Grandmother would insist on watching it.
I think old Italian women had a thing for Al, and I must admit that his pompadour was VERY intoxicating to the eyes....BUT, I wasn't really a fan of his brand of entertainment.
The only thing worse as far as I was concerned, was when she would watch Larry Ferrari on Sundays.
The fucker played songs on AN ORGAN.
Now, I don't know where your tastes stand, but to ME...next to a Xylophone, the Organ is the worst fucking instrument on Earth.
It's like Satan placed them here to audibly rape me jailhouse style.
You know, the kind where the huge guy says..."JUST LET IT HAPPEN!!"

But I digress....
Al began his show the way he always did, and I was SURE any minute now, he would point into the camera and say "I want to say a special hello to my new friend Joey"...but he never did.
Not that week....or any that followed.
And I sat....and sat.....and waited....and waited.
You have NO IDEA how many Frosty Acres commercials I had to endure, with some cat in a Dollar Store Snowman costume trying to pimp frozen vegetables to me.

Oh Al, why hast thou forsaken me??????

Considering the asshole I grew to be, maybe Al was on to something.
Maybe he detected something that no one else did.
OR, maybe Al's deception was the catalyst to why I am the way I am.
I the words of the Tootsie Pop voice over guy..."The World May Never Know".

Here he sings to other little boys whose dreams he shattered as they are all the losers of the "Little Mr. Showcase" contest.
Do you know why I'm blue Al, DO YOU?!?!? And what the fuck is a titty car??

Leave That Cone Alone Gentlemen!

Today, I'm gonna help out you guys out there, who just don't understand things the way I do.
It's Summertime right now, and every once in a while, a man looks for a way to cool off while he's out in the heat. And what better non alcoholic way is there to do that, than with some freezing cold ice cream?

But hold your horses there, fella...did I just hear you ask for a cone?
You should seriously consider rethinking that one, junior.
After all....you don't want to look like a Fruitbooty©, do you?

Let's take a look at a series of gentlemen enjoying cones, and THEN tell me what you think!


Now, as you can see, these images were not designed to sway your mind in one direction or the other...but didn't something just seem a bit "off" when you saw them?
That's what YOU look like too, when you're enjoying an ice cream cone, gentlemen!

Still not 100% clear about what I mean?
Let's do a side by side, featuring the exact same photo, but changing ONLY the person enjoying the cone. And again, this is very scientific, and there will be NO subliminal tactics designed to sway your thoughts in a desired direction.



And BOOM!...there it is.
Tell me that you don't see it now?!?!?

So this Summer, as you approach that Baskin Robbins, or that ridiculously over-priced Coldstone...remember....when they ask cup or cone, you tell'em "Don't be silly...a CUP!"

And if you ever think you're gonna forget, here's a little trick I use to remember...
What do men where to protect their balls?
That's right....a CUP.
Protect your balls, gentlemen!

Aloha

"It's not so much the mistake one makes, it's the cover up, manipulation and lies on top of lies. When all it takes for a real Man/Woman is to own up to it at the very beginning. After all, who's character are you really diminishing but your very own"--CRicci

I feel like Mr. Hand, when he writes Spicolli's "I Don't Know" on the blackboard, and says "Hmm...yeeessss, I LIKE THAT!"
If you don't get that reference...leave now...seriously...I don't like you.
HA!

Now, the individual who wrote that, didn't do so with my personal situation in mind, but it rang completely accurate nonetheless.

Over the last month or so, a situation arose in my life that was, in my opinion, complete insanity. Now, I'm not saying that I believe the person at the nucleus of the issue is "insane" by technical definition, but that the actions of that person, as a result of them trying to remedy a mistake they felt they made, very much were.
Sadly, this person was once immensely important to me, and now, I will never see them the same way again...not as the same PERSON that I once did...you know what I mean?

I don't really dig things like that in life.
I don't like feeling that I never really knew someone after I spent a great deal of time with them. Or, I don't like thinking that they've become something that they should never have allowed them self to become.

And I wonder how often someone has seen ME that way?
Several, I'm sure.
Huh?
No, I KNOW I seem perfect...but I swear, I'm not.

Mistakes.

They're a motherfucker, aren't they?
But what do you do? We all make them...some make greater mistakes than others, but none of us are immune to them.

The key to dealing with those sons of bitches, is to learn from them, though.
To see where you went wrong, and to redesign your self, so that you don't repeat them again.
But sadly, from talking to this person....nothing was learned from this ordeal.
The same superficial outlook that drove them to the decision that they seem to clearly regret now, remains intact.
In fact, it seems to be even stronger in the face of what has happened. It's as if the person wants to prove now, that it wasn't the mindset of theirs that was flawed, it was just that it didn't work out "this time".
Although this individual has carried this mindset with them for a very long time now, and there seems to have been a lot of "this times".
When do you realize that your priorities are in the wrong place?

Passing The Buck And Lying

I guess, if you don't want to accept that you've made any mistakes, that's the way to go, right?
I mean, it doesn't really solve anything in the long term, but it's a quick fix. Kinda like getting drunk when you're feeling down...for a little while, your cares go away, and you feel good.
But, if you never accept your own faults, you'll never feel that YOU made a mistake, and then you never learn.
See how simple the cycle is to understand?
And I'm a moron!

Support System

See, this is where things get tricky.
What if the people closest to you, just simply support everything you do...and the ones who WOULD tell you that you're being crazy, you simply keep in the dark as to what you're doing?
As adults, and especially after growing up in the 80's and seeing Afterschool Specials and such...we all KNOW, that just backing someone's EVERY play is not friendship.
A friend tells you when you're being an idiot, right?
They don't join in on your shenanigans, when what you're doing is only making you look more foolish.

But then again, what if factually....you've lied to these friends and led them to believe certain things that were never true in the first place?
Are they to blame at that point, if they are operating along side you under false pretenses?
If they are led to believe things about someone that were never accurate, because the person who has mislead them is trying to hide the REAL truth behind what they are being told?

"Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive"

You know that saying, right?
Well, I just recently saw a web that was SO tangled that stories were being contradictory from sentence to sentence.
And no....sadly I'm not joking.
But I guess that's what happens when instead of owning what you've done wrong, you spin and spin, and deflect and deflect.
At some point, the frenzied madness envelopes you...leaving you a distorted version of the person you once were...the person you are supposed to be.

"And if you don't know....now you know"
~Biggie Smalls

That keeps running through my head about my life over the last several years.
I've learned a lot.....a lot that I NEVER wanted to.
I've learned that I don't know anything....that whatever I thought I was sure of, I was tragically wrong about.
That you can NEVER assume that things are the way they appear at face value, and that ANYONE can fail you at any time....and that you can fail them too.
I think about old guys that I used to see on construction sites that I would be working on.
They were never phased about anything, no matter how crazy a situation seemed to be. I know now it's because they had seen it all, and they KNEW what I'm still learning now.
But I feel like I'm becoming one of them more and more every day.

I hope the person that inspired this sorts them self out.
I hope some day they can be honest about things....choices they made...lies they told....and regret them.
And I hope they learn.
I hope on that day, their priorities about life, and what's TRULY important becomes clear.
And then they can be the amazing person that I always knew they were capable of being.

Because only then, can I feel truly comfortable with my friend again.

Ok, Antolak.....

I've announced on here before that I dig you.
That I think you're a brilliant and well thought out cat.
But the make-up.....REALLY, man??

Not to clown you or anything, but you remind me of Ann Coulter when you have the make-up on...or...no...no...Lilith Crane!!!
Dude, you are TOTALLY Lilith Crane with the make-up and speech pattern.
On your next video, please say "Frasier...were you just FUCKING Diane in the back room???"
That would be awesome.

ANYWAY, enough of that...oh and don't get all heated, I certainly trash myself plenty on here.

Point of this is....Zack Antolak once again handles his business with someone of a lesser mind, and I'm gonna help spread it in my own little corner of the internet.
So....dig....

"United Breaks Guitars"

You have to love the age of the internet.
Back in the day...this guy would have only been able to write letters of complaint, and make "angry" phone calls.
But today, he can make a MUSIC VIDEO...put it on YouTube....and wait until it gets enough attention to not only get United Airlines to compensate him...but have Taylor Guitars probably end up sponsoring him.
And let's face it, this song of his is just as shitty valid as any other Country Music song, so he'll probably end up with a major label recording contract, and be the next....um...who's a big name in Country Music?
Well, whoever it is....fill in their name, AND, since you actually know...get better taste in music while you're at it.
By the way...I am hereby claiming the invention of "shitty valid" and here's the official definition...

Shitty Valid - Something that is unintentionally equal to something else that is terrible, but some Americans are too insane to realize it.

And now...."United Breaks Guitars"

Herb Alpert's "Rise" Makes Rape Become Love!

So, me and my "lady friend" were heading into Philadelphia for the day Thursday to kill some time. Normally, I would be working, but this wonderful economy has damn near put me on the bread lines, and....eh...screw all that. You can hear people whine about the economy ANYWHERE these days, right?

As we were careening up I-95 towards "The City Of Brotherly Love", I had the ole' iPod on...you guessed it...shuffle. I know, I know, I said I wouldn't do that anymore, but I had to be respectful to the passenger, and although *I'm* happy playing "Save Me" from Killswitch Engage OVER AND OVER again, she may not enjoy that, right?

As we reached the Philadelphia International Airport area of our trip, Herb Alpert's instrumental piece "Rise" came on.
Now, while to most people these days, this song immediately conjures images of Julia Stiles dancing on a table to Biggie Smalls "Hypnotize" in "10 Things I Hate About You", for ME, it is a theme song for rape.

I'm gonna wait a few while you sit in horror thinking that *I* rape women to that song.
For you...this will just go right to the next sentence, but just KNOW that I actually sat and waited.

Ok, so, NO, I don't rape women to this song, or any other for that matter.
I don't need to....the wimmens are always like "OH JOEY HARDWOOD...YOU'RE THE DREAMIEST!!!!"

Oh, "whatever" to you!

Anyway, in 1979 when I was but a wee lad....I would come home from school, and my Grandmother and Aunt HAD to watch "General Hospital". See, back then, you only had one TV in your house. I know that seems crazy to you whippersnappers today, but there ACTUALLY wasn't a TV in every room, the way there is now.

SO, before I could watch cartoons, I had to endure General Hospital until 4:00pm.
I can still remember staring at the clock, and how excited I would get when it was 3:55, because it would go to it's last commercial break, and I KNEW there was no more after that!

I get sidetracked too easily....my point is that one of the ONLY things I remember about the show, was Luke raping Laura in his disco, as Herb Alpert's "Rise" played.
But that's not what I wanted to address so much.

What I wanted to address was the fact that Luke And Laura then went on to become the biggest storybook romance in Soap Opera HISTORY!!!
HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT WORK??

Seriously, what kind of message were they trying to send exactly? I know that the writing staff in the late 70's was probably comprised of men...tweeked out of their fucking minds on blow....DEEP into the swinger lifestyle....but RAPE turning to love?
REALLY?
I'm sorry, how the fuck does that work again, exactly?
I can't even IMAGINE anyone trying this shit on TV today....people would lose their F'N minds!!!

And what the fuck was my Grandmother and Aunt thinking, letting a nine year old boy watch some chick get raped in a disco?
Granted, the song is hypnotic and sexy for rapings...but still!

Either people had a LOT more balls back then, or people were insane from Quaaludes and Bee Gees songs.
But either way, apparently the 70's were a magical time where ANYTHING was possible.

And for your viewing pleasure, so it can now be burned into your minds...the scene in question. It's in two parts...just cut to the 7:00min mark on the first clip, because that's when the party starts...or just skip to the LAST video, of Julia Stiles dancing, because it's more...um...interesting.

W....T.....F.....?!?!?

If this is real, this is the GREATEST mentally ill person on Earth!!!
Seriously, no one even comes close to this guy.

His Father apparently tells them that he's stuck in the 80's...I guess he maybe wanted to build a time machine out of the DeLorean??