Aloha

"It's not so much the mistake one makes, it's the cover up, manipulation and lies on top of lies. When all it takes for a real Man/Woman is to own up to it at the very beginning. After all, who's character are you really diminishing but your very own"--CRicci

I feel like Mr. Hand, when he writes Spicolli's "I Don't Know" on the blackboard, and says "Hmm...yeeessss, I LIKE THAT!"
If you don't get that reference...leave now...seriously...I don't like you.
HA!

Now, the individual who wrote that, didn't do so with my personal situation in mind, but it rang completely accurate nonetheless.

Over the last month or so, a situation arose in my life that was, in my opinion, complete insanity. Now, I'm not saying that I believe the person at the nucleus of the issue is "insane" by technical definition, but that the actions of that person, as a result of them trying to remedy a mistake they felt they made, very much were.
Sadly, this person was once immensely important to me, and now, I will never see them the same way again...not as the same PERSON that I once did...you know what I mean?

I don't really dig things like that in life.
I don't like feeling that I never really knew someone after I spent a great deal of time with them. Or, I don't like thinking that they've become something that they should never have allowed them self to become.

And I wonder how often someone has seen ME that way?
Several, I'm sure.
Huh?
No, I KNOW I seem perfect...but I swear, I'm not.

Mistakes.

They're a motherfucker, aren't they?
But what do you do? We all make them...some make greater mistakes than others, but none of us are immune to them.

The key to dealing with those sons of bitches, is to learn from them, though.
To see where you went wrong, and to redesign your self, so that you don't repeat them again.
But sadly, from talking to this person....nothing was learned from this ordeal.
The same superficial outlook that drove them to the decision that they seem to clearly regret now, remains intact.
In fact, it seems to be even stronger in the face of what has happened. It's as if the person wants to prove now, that it wasn't the mindset of theirs that was flawed, it was just that it didn't work out "this time".
Although this individual has carried this mindset with them for a very long time now, and there seems to have been a lot of "this times".
When do you realize that your priorities are in the wrong place?

Passing The Buck And Lying

I guess, if you don't want to accept that you've made any mistakes, that's the way to go, right?
I mean, it doesn't really solve anything in the long term, but it's a quick fix. Kinda like getting drunk when you're feeling down...for a little while, your cares go away, and you feel good.
But, if you never accept your own faults, you'll never feel that YOU made a mistake, and then you never learn.
See how simple the cycle is to understand?
And I'm a moron!

Support System

See, this is where things get tricky.
What if the people closest to you, just simply support everything you do...and the ones who WOULD tell you that you're being crazy, you simply keep in the dark as to what you're doing?
As adults, and especially after growing up in the 80's and seeing Afterschool Specials and such...we all KNOW, that just backing someone's EVERY play is not friendship.
A friend tells you when you're being an idiot, right?
They don't join in on your shenanigans, when what you're doing is only making you look more foolish.

But then again, what if factually....you've lied to these friends and led them to believe certain things that were never true in the first place?
Are they to blame at that point, if they are operating along side you under false pretenses?
If they are led to believe things about someone that were never accurate, because the person who has mislead them is trying to hide the REAL truth behind what they are being told?

"Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive"

You know that saying, right?
Well, I just recently saw a web that was SO tangled that stories were being contradictory from sentence to sentence.
And no....sadly I'm not joking.
But I guess that's what happens when instead of owning what you've done wrong, you spin and spin, and deflect and deflect.
At some point, the frenzied madness envelopes you...leaving you a distorted version of the person you once were...the person you are supposed to be.

"And if you don't know....now you know"
~Biggie Smalls

That keeps running through my head about my life over the last several years.
I've learned a lot.....a lot that I NEVER wanted to.
I've learned that I don't know anything....that whatever I thought I was sure of, I was tragically wrong about.
That you can NEVER assume that things are the way they appear at face value, and that ANYONE can fail you at any time....and that you can fail them too.
I think about old guys that I used to see on construction sites that I would be working on.
They were never phased about anything, no matter how crazy a situation seemed to be. I know now it's because they had seen it all, and they KNEW what I'm still learning now.
But I feel like I'm becoming one of them more and more every day.

I hope the person that inspired this sorts them self out.
I hope some day they can be honest about things....choices they made...lies they told....and regret them.
And I hope they learn.
I hope on that day, their priorities about life, and what's TRULY important becomes clear.
And then they can be the amazing person that I always knew they were capable of being.

Because only then, can I feel truly comfortable with my friend again.