Big Brother Is You!

Remember "Big Brother"?
In George Orwell's fictional novel "1984", we were all going to be watched by "Big Brother".
He would see us everywhere....and know all that we did.
And in case you ever for the briefest of moments forget...there were pictures like the one above all over the city to remind you.

Ya'll best behave!

It's weird when you get so far passed a time that at one point in your life was in the future.
I remember when 1984 was a date that everyone was talking about...discussing whether it would end up being like the Orwellian 1984...or at least how similar it would be.
Turned out....it wasn't very similar at all.
Neither was the depiction in the movie "Class of '84"...but that's kinda different all together.
Or what about "Buck Rogers in the 25th Century"?
The intro voiced over said "It was the year 1987, and Nasa launched the LAST of it's deep space probes."
Well, the year is 2009, and Nasa has YET to launch the first of it's manned deep space probes.
Eh...you get what I mean.

In the years that have passed, I have seen many interviews with guys that you can tell spend a LOT of time smoking various things, as they are protesting the cause du jour, and their statement usually falls along the lines of...

"Hey man, it's pretty clear to me that America is starting to become a police state....I mean think about it...Big Brother IS watching, man!"

And you know what?
That throwback hippie dickbag is right!!
But not in the way he thinks.

You see....YOU....and ME....ALL of us....we're Big Brother.
Not "The Man"...not "The System".....US!

"The Man" didn't blatantly come right out and start keeping tabs on us they way it was always believed he would eventually do.
No, his plan was FAR more insidious than that.
Without brainwashing you...without injecting you with some mind altering drug that "they" TOLD you was a Flu shot, or shooting some secret mind control ray (that was originally conceived by Nikola Tesla using alternating current, and later perfected at Area 51) across your town while you slept, "The Man" got you to do his dirty work FOR him.

How?

He gave you Facebook and Twitter. (I would have added Myspace, but everyone who's anyone stopped using that a long time ago, Paris!)
And when he gave you Facebook and Twitter you sung like a canary!
You told him what you watch...what you read...what music you like....where you go...who your friends and family are...who THEIR friends are....then all of the previous things that I noted repeated about them, and so on and so on!
But that's not enough!

Then you join groups....and those groups let "The Man" know what you're all about too!
How do you lean politically? "The Man" knows.
Are you a Muslim, Jew or Christian? You've told "The Man"...no...you certainly did...go check your "Info" tab on your profile.
Did you just change jobs? "The Man" knows because you just updated your status about how happy you are!
We're you a "burnout" back in the day...but you're VERY straight laced now?
"The Man" knows that too, because Mike posted pics from the time that you guys were smokin' some INSANE shit that Pete's brother got from his friend.

Hey....remember the time you all dropped acid in Kev's basement and Mike thought tiny aardvarks were searching for ants in his penis hole?!?!?
God that was hilarious wasn't?
Now "The Man" thinks it was too.

Part of the "Mumia Abu Jamal Is Innocent" Group?
RED FLAG!
You support the killing of police officers at worst, and at the least are a liberal radical!

Hate Mumia and want him to die?
"The Man" thinks you may be a racist and have ties to the Aryan Resistance.

See how it all works?
But wait...there's more!

It seems that snitchin' on yourself and everyone you know wasn't quite enough for "The Man".
SO, he gave you the Blackberry and the iPhone.
NOW, you will not only TELL "The Man" everything about yourself...you will WILLINGLY provide up to the minute pictures and video of your whereabouts!
And what does that handheld device also have on it...a Global Positioning System!!

See?
It's that easy!
At any given moment..."The Man" can know where you are...WHY you are where you are...what you did and saw while you were there, and then what you felt you took away from the experience...because you KNOW you're gonna change your status on Facebook, or "Tweet" on Twitter."

We all snitch EVERY DAY.
When you read the next line, do it in Edward G. Robinson's voice...
"YOOOOOU Dirty RAAAAT!"

Wait, does anyone today remember Edward G. anymore?
Fuck...I think I'm getting old again.

NOW tell me I'm wrong about Japan!!!

Ok, I've been asserting for a while now that Japan is batshit crazy, right?
BUT, I've always had to go to really outlandish shit to prove my point.

Well not THIS time.
This time, I'm gonna bring something to the table that's so commonplace that you may pick up one of these every day at lunch. You probably grab some terrible deep fried ham..waffle...thingy, and then a four pack of Reese's Peanut Butter cups...but not the regular size...no, not for you...YOU get the double thick ones they sell now.
Then you may grab a bag of what I'm about to show you....and of course a DIET soda, because you're proving some FUCKED UP point, that NO ONE but you understands.

What is the bag that I refer to?

Doritos.
Simple right?
You can pick from several different flavors like Original, Cool Ranch, and then those weird ones that appear for a few months then are gone.

Well NOT in Japan!
How does "Nut Stompin' Nacho" sound???
Well I'm assuming that's what it's called....at least...I THINK that from the picture.....

It's almost like the yellow guy is some sort of farming equipment, and you accelerate him by crushing his balls.
Seriously WHAT THE FUCK does that have to do with nacho flavored tortilla chips??

Maybe if we turn the picture upside down, it will make more sense.....

No...that doesn't help...it now looks like the yellow guy is proclaiming that orange's kick was "good". Which really doesn't say much for orange considering the distance...I mean CAN you screw that kick up?

But do you see now?
The Japanese can take something as simple as Doritos, and turn it into something creepy and unexplainable.
I said it before, and I'll say it again.....Countries of the World....LEAVE JAPAN ALONE.
These are NOT people that you want plotting on you and shit.
Seriously.

Just When You Thought The Papa John Phillips Was F**ked Up!

Meet 23 year old Jeremiah Raymond Berry.
He was just convicted to 3 years in prison for the murder of his father, 42 year old Jack Berry, after he shot him in the head, then dismembered him, and fed his body parts to the coyotes.
Well, not all the body parts....just some.
The rest were stored in buckets that were then filled with concrete.

Huh?

No, that wasn't supposed to read "30 years"...it read the way it was supposed to..."3 years".
How does one commit such an awful crime and then do such a small amount of time in the pokey you ask?

Well, I'll tell you!

It appears old Jack Berry was raping his son Jeremiah....but wait, it doesn't end there!
No sir, apparently just being enough of a creepy fuck to rape your own son, didn't set the bar high enough for old Jack.
Jack Berry was gonna set a record here. He was gonna bring something to the table that NO ONE had done before him.
You see, according to Jack, God told him that Jeremiah would HAVE to have a sex change operation, so that he could become Jack's.....wait for it..........

WIFE!!!

See, now it all makes sense, right?
I'll admit it....I too was thinking Jack was simply batshit fucking crazy, until I heard that God was the architect of this BRILLIANT plan.

BUT, pesky old Jeremiah is CLEARLY in league with the Devil, and killed Jack before he could force his son to do the Lord's bidding.
I'll bet you Jeremiah listens to The Black Sabbath and The Slayer....and a bunch of other Satan worshiping Devil music.

Ok...I'm done being facetious.
Did you ever notice when one of these "out of their fucking tree" type of cats comes up with some SICK ASS shit to do to someone, it was because God told them to?
The guy who kidnapped Jaycee Dugard....didn't he claim to invent a machine that allowed him to speak directly to God?

All this reminds me of the movie "Frailty"....I won't tell you why, if you haven't seen it, but if you have, you get what I'm laying down, I think.

Well, I for one applaud you, Jeremiah....you "took out the trash" so to speak.
Unless your story is bullshit, in which case Lyle Menendez just reached out and over from his prison bars and passed a note to his brother Eric that read..."Why didn't WE think of that?"
...and then Eric wrote one back that read..."Because the toupee glue seeped into your brain and made you a douchehammer....thanks for nothing, ASSHOLE!"

I'll Save You Mr. Beck!!!!

I hate White Culture, Glenn, so I can answer this one for you!!

The White Culture is what brought us "Afternoon Delight" which is the whitiest, cracka ass cracka, bullshit of all time. But I've covered that already.

The White Culture embraced Celine Dion's invasion of America with open arms...AND Kenny G....AND Michael Bolton.

See this tattoo?


There was a Whitey that found Quiet Riot's cover of Slade's "Cum On Feel The Noize", so captivating that he HAD to have the album cover PERMANENTLY placed on his body.
And you know the best part?
He probably has no idea that it was a cover in the first place.
Because that primered Pinto isn't gonna drive itself to the liquor store for another case of Natural Ice, while he's thinking about such things, is it?

Barack Obama HATES Quiet Riot.

Or how about this fine specimen...

Yup...Whitey again.
You have to give this guy credit where credit is due though....he clearly had a design scheme and he was very consistent. The follow through is something to be admired.
He even had the place on the back of his head marked for where his sunglasses will go when he's busy chatting up a nice young lady.
One can only pray that he delivers the line "Drop that zero and get with a hero" with all the sincerity he can muster.

Barack Obama HATES Mr. Cool Ice.

"If you think my routine is still funny after 15 years.....you might be a fuckin' redneck!"

Oh put that funny stick away, sir!!! How much laughter can we endure in one sitting?!?!?
You know who likes Jeff Foxworthy?
Yup.
White People.

When I was in Myrtle Beach, S.C. last year, there was an ENTIRE store dedicated to Jeff Foxworthy merchandise, and there wasn't a Soul Brother to be seen ANYWHERE.

Barack Obama HATES Jeff Foxworthy, AND Myrtle Beach, S.C.

You see any Sistas with an Angela Davis afro on that album cover??
Of course not!
Because ONLY Whiten Folk enjoy the polka!
When Barack Obama's iPod songlist was released a little while ago, do you remember the "Beer Barrel Polka" or "Who Stole The Keeshka?" on that list?
Of course not, because Barack Obama HATES White People....because ONLY White People like Polka.
It's so simple, that I can't believe you people don't see it!!!!

(BTW, I would KILL to hear that Disco Polka album...that has to be a RIOT!)

Anyway, Glenn...the next time that trickster Katie Couric tries any of that "Gotcha Journalism" on you, as so eloquently put by Sarah Palin, you send her DIRECTLY here!
I'll give her what fer!

YouTool: Randy Barnard

Now, I always find people who do really shitty versions of songs to be some of the most interesting YouTube videos. For the most part, they're funny because the person *believes* they are talented.
But in the case of Mr. Barnard performing "My Last Serenade" from Killswitch Engage, he explains that he:

A.) Can't scream

and

B.) Can't sing.

So I'm left asking the question...."Why?".
What is it that Mr. Barnard NEEDS all of the World to see?
It's just so Beavis And Butthead like...especially the headbanging part.....which happens after he breaks to check his text messages on his phone.

See if you can figure it out....OH, and I'm gonna give you the lyrics so you can sing along with Mr. Barnard, because I can tell you're dying to.


This revelation is the death of ignorance
Tangled in a state of suffocation
Slave to self righteousness
Damnation is on your lips

From sorrow to serenity
The truth is absolution
From sorrow to serenity
It's on your head

This is my last serenade
I feel you as you fall away
This is my last serenade
From yourself, you cannot run away

It's your choice, point the finger
But it's on your head
Your destination is a choice
Within yourself

Will you rise or become a slave
To self righteousness
Open up your heart
And gaze within

From sorrow to serenity
The truth is absolution
From sorrow to serenity
It's on your head

This is my last serenade
I feel you as you fall away
This is my last serenade
From yourself, you cannot run away

The Battle For The Galaxy Has Begun!!!

A group of teenagers in Panama have drawn first blood in the battle for the Galaxy.

As they were hanging out by a waterfall in Cerro Azul, Panama, the group noticed the creature come out of a nearby cave.
The teenagers claimed that they heard the creature mumbling "Where is my Illudium Q32 Explosive Space Modulator??" to itself as it frantically rushed around .

"Then all of a sudden, Esteban threw a big rock at it's head, and it fell to the ground....I was like...PWN3D!!" said Juan DelGarcia.

When asked WHY he threw the rock, Esteban Ruiz responded "As soon as I saw it, I knew it was trying to take over the Earth....or at least Cerro Azul, so I killed at it as hard as I could."

"This pretty much proves that aliens don't really have laser guns or The Force, and can be killed with the nearest thing you can reach for." said Policia Officer Filipe De Jesus Allejandro Montoya Alverez.

"I would rather it still be alive so I could interrogate and torture it for all of it's magical alien secrets and voodoo." He said.
"But dead is pretty good too...young Mr. Ruiz is an intergalactic hero or something. Like Han Solo."

Kirk Cameron NEVER got handled like this on Growing Pains

I don't know if you've ever had the pleasure of catching Kirk Cameron on one of his Bible thumping shows that he does, but it's always quite entertaining.
My favorite ones are when he approaches street gangs in L.A. and starts explaining to them that they're going to Hell.
They're always receptive to him...probably because there is a camera crew around...but I'd love to see him do that with hidden cameras, and with the agreement that no matter what happens, no one can intervene.
Kinda like they do on the Discovery Channel when they film those predator vs. prey shows.

"WHO'S GOD NOW, MOTHERFUCKER????"

"LUPE' IS GOD!!!! PLEASE DON'T KILL ME!!!..HELP!!!..BONER WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?"

How the Hell did they get away with naming a character "Boner" anyway?
And what was that all about?
No doubt some writer's creepy fetish come to life or something.

Eh...sometimes I think about shit too much.

SO, Kirk and his partner in the war on everything non Jesus, Ray Comfort, are planning on handing out copies of Darwin's "The Origin Of Species" on college campuses....WITH, a 50 page introduction by Comfort, explaining to you how Darwin, after making a time machine so he could be the gay lover of Adolf Hitler, made a pact with Satan to bring about the downfall of society....or something like that anyway.

As a result of all this, the Russian girl in the video puts it down on Kirk Cameron hardstyle.
Mike Seaver would have never stood for such an act of aggression, and would have NO DOUBT exacted such a terrible payback, that Alan Thicke would have been FORCED to give him a stern talking to in which the words "I'm really disappointed in you, Mike" would have been uttered, and seeing his Father's disappointment would have hurt more than anything.

Now, when I first saw the Russian girl, I thought "Hmm...that look is VERY early 90's Melrose Place...I just wish she had on one of those black choker necklace things too."
THEN, she started to talk, and she knew her shit, and I LOVE intelligent wimmens...and then I thought "Trashy look....but very intelligent, AND a Russian accent.....I would TOTALLY do her."

But then it hit me....after I did her, she would probably stay around. And then it wouldn't be long before she turned that intellect on ME. Always telling me how stupid I am, and how much I don't know about everything, and all I would have to come back with is "Oh yeah....well at least I'm not from Chernobyl!!!"
Then she would look at me with that "Really?" look....you know, the "You are so pathetic" kind?

Eh...I'm probably better off not doing her, now that I think about it.

Viddy well, my droogies...viddy well.....

Taylor Swift Owes Kanye West An Apology

Are you ready for this?
I think Taylor Swift should be THANKING Kanye West for what he did at the VMA's.

Seriously.
I thought about this today, and you know what, Taylor Swift is a bigger star today than she EVER was before last night. I guarantee you that in EVERY office around this Country, people are saying her name, whereas before they didn't even care about her.

"Oh that poor girl!"

Yeah, that poor girl just had the biggest push she could ever hope for in the form of Kanye West's actions. I wish all I had to be upset about was Kanye West running his mouth while I was getting an award for a video to song that I sing, which I've made millions off of.
Oh the HORROR of it all.
It must have really ruined her appetite at the fuckin' GALA after-party I'm sure she attended.

Then what happens?
Beyonce' gives her an even BIGGER push by stepping aside and giving Swift HER time on stage!
I don't know where you're from, but around here they call that a "Two-fer"!
It was the slow clap moment at the end of fuckin' "Lucas" come to life!!!!

People will remember that moment the way they remember when that Jim Henson puppet lookin' Michael Jackson kissed Elvis' daughter, when they were pretending to be married so you didn't think he was showing young boys the secret trouser weasel that lived behind his pants' zipper.

And go ahead....what are all you white folk calling Kanye this morning?
You can say it....I won't tell anyone.
C'mon, you KNOW you want to!

Oh, I know you aren't gonna say it with everyone looking and all...I was just playin'.
BUT, we all know that's what you're saying....so let me ask you a question....
If it was an Axl Rose doing that, you would just call it a "rockstar moment", right?
What about all the crazy shit Joaquin Phoenix has done lately?

I mean, look at Kanye up there....drinking Hennessey out of the bottle...then being out of control, and creating a moment that left EVERYONE talking the next day.

I remember Slash showing up to the VMAs with a bottle of Jack Daniels.
I remember in the 90's in Canada while Guns & Roses were touring with Metallica, Axl Rose threw a hissy fit and stormed of stage, which in turn caused a riot that left people seriously fucked up.

That's a little worse than what Kanye did, isn't it?

So I say...God Bless You, Kanye West!!! You made me give a squirt of piss about the MTV Video Music Awards for a hot minute, and I can't remember the last time I did.

Now pick up the phone, Taylor.....Kanye doesn't have all day.

Dr. Smith Was A Bigger Asshole Than Kanye West

Yeah, yeah....I saw what Kanye did to Taylor Swift.
He's doing it on purpose, people. You're ALL talking about him now, right?
Mission accomplished.

Oh, and one last note about the VMAs....I think Madonna should have added to her list of comparisons to Michael Jackson...."Michael Jackson died as a white woman, and so will I."
HA! I crack myself up.
Screw you.....she's a raggedy ass attention whore who admittedly wasn't close with him, but attached herself to him in death for some cheap heat.

"I felt like I let him down....that we ALL let him down."

No dummy, he let himself down when he kept allowing young boys to share his bed, even AFTER he was accused of molesting them.
"We" as in the "We" across America who understand abnormal behavior...just kinda have common sense and knew when it was time to walk away.

Anyway, earlier tonight, I was watching Lost In Space with my kids on Hulu...they're familiar with it because I have Season 2 on DVD and we've watched all those episodes, so we figured we'd check out some Season 3.

As we were watching, my son asked...

"Why do those people keep giving that guy a pass? He's a jerk that always tries to screw them over."

And yeah...he was.
EVERY episode he tries to fuck them, yet they never kill his ass.
I would.
I swear I would.
If I was lost in deep space, and this closeted queen kept trying to make deals with whatever alien race we encountered, and put me and my family in danger, I would just arrange for him to have a fatal "trip and fall".
Who would know?

When I was rescued, and people asked where he was, I'd be like...

"Oh....Smith?.... yeah he was killed by a fucked up Carrot Guy, on some wacky vegetable planet we landed on. It was really fucked up...I don't want to talk about it if you don't mind"

What?
There CERTAINLY WAS a Carrot Guy!!!
Just look....



So, then my kid said...

"Smith is kinda like Gilligan....he ALWAYS ruins everything.....but Gilligan is just stupid, and Smith is doing things to intentionally mess things up."

My kid is right about that.
But still, after the second time Gilligan would have botched another sure fire way for us to get off the island, I would have had to kill him too.

September 11, 2001

You know, growing up I always heard people say "I remember EXACTLY what I was doing when John Kennedy was killed.", and I used to think..."Yeah, whatever...I'm sure you remember exactly what you were doing , asshat."
Hey, I've told you before, I'm a bit of an asshole.
BUT, I'm no where near the asshole that I USED to be, AND, I tell you that I'm an asshole.
Other people just act like they're friendly and such, then pull the rug out from under you.

Guess what?
I remember EXACTLY what I was doing on September 11, 2001.

I was working in Greenville, DE. My employee Ryan and I were listening to the radio, and installing 4 inch by 3/4 select red oak in the upstairs bedroom of a customer of mine whom I had done work for over the years. This was the last room for me to install wood in, as I had already done the rest of her house.
Ryan and I were discussing another guy we know who just the day before returned to work at the company that we both previously worked for.

Then Howard Stern cut from his banter to mention that a plane had crashed into the World Trade Center.

Almost in unison with Stern, Ryan and I laughingly wondered how someone could be such a dumbass and hit something so huge. And also in unison with Stern, we said..."Must have been a small commuter plane".

Along with the rest of America....the rest of the World, we soon realized that it was something much, much more.

The hour that followed was filled with panic, as false reports were coming in of bombs going off all over Washington D.C., AND some douche shooting something off near the jobsite we were on.
At that moment, we were under the impression that an all out attack was going down.

I called my wife at the time, and she seemed to not fully grasp the gravity of the situation, even though she told me that someone at the Capital Management firm she worked at, was on the phone with someone at Cantor Fitzgerald when he heard yelling and then silence as the phone went dead.
THAT, is something that would haunt me forever....hell, it sticks with ME as it is, and I didn't even hear it.

For all of us who were alive that day, the feeling was indescribable. I remember just being numb, not able to process what I was seeing. Somehow feeling like it was footage from a Michael Bay film, but knowing that it was incredibly, and horribly real.

I don't think I've ever viewed life the same way again.
What I mean is, I know that I was never the same person again after that day...that September 10, 2001, was the last time I was the carefree moron that viewed the World with such a sense of levity and frivolity.

I remember my only, albeit smallest bit of comfort that day, was the knowledge that I personally didn't know anyone in the Towers.
Or so I thought.

Following my divorce, I learned through the person I was dating that I indeed did know someone who died there that day.
Now, I don't mean to claim that I knew him well at all...just that I knew WHO he was, which is why it took years for me to ever even realize he was gone.
I had ONE interaction with him, but for some reason I always remembered it. Not because it was anything out of the ordinary, but it just stuck with me.

Probably around 1990 or so, I went to a party in the townhouse where the friend of the girl I was now dating lived. Or so I *think*....I'm a little fuzzy on that part....but hey, it was a long time ago...how many specifics about a house party that you went to do YOU remember, junior???

Anyway, at the time I was playing guitar a bit, and this was after "Goodfellas" was released. I was so impressed with the scene that used the outro to "Layla", that I was attempting to learn the guitar part at the time.
When I got into the party, there was no where left to sit, so I ended up sitting on the end of a piano seat, where this other guy was sitting. As I sat there with my back to him, I barely clung to the edge so as to not look like Edith to his Archie, I began to hear the outro from Layla coming from the piano.
It wasn't perfect or anything, but it was really solid, so I turned to him and said "Hey man, I've been trying to get the guitar part down for this....but I kinda suck." I remember he laughed, and we began to talk a bit about music.

His name was David Marc Sullins....but everyone I ever knew called him Marc.
He was a paramedic for Cabrini Medical Center and died trying to save other's lives in the South Tower of The World Trade Center.

That was my one and only interaction with him...but like I said, for some reason, I always remembered it.

Upon being told that he perished in the World Trade Center, I recanted this very story to my girlfriend at the time. It was more or less a simple anecdotal note when answering the question "Did you know Marc?"

Months later, when going through old pictures of hers, there was one single photograph from that party.....it was of me, sitting barely on the edge of that piano seat, and Marc Sullins...back to the camera, tapping away at the keys.
What a weird thing.

Now, I'm not trying to attach myself to Marc for your pity, because as I said, I had one interaction with him in my entire life, and the thought of doing so is perverse and appalling to me.
I'm simply conveying my personal remembrance of one person who died that horrendous day, because for years, I simply felt terrible for faces and names that I saw flash across my television screen, but I had no personal attachment to any of them.

But now, I can't think of that day without remembering the outro to Layla.

Marc Sullins Memorial Site