Tales Of Absinthe, Gay Karaoke, And A Full Body Massage.

Man, that just sounds NASTY, doesn't it?
It's not that bad, I swear.

This past weekend...right after Thanksgiving dinner in fact, I went with my girlfriend to spend four days in Bethany Beach, DE.
I was really up for the whole "nothing to do, no where to be" schedule of things, because even when you're home and things are that same way, it doesn't FEEL like it.
You know what I mean?

These four days were the closest a man has ever been to actually being one of the girls on Sex And The City, while being completely heterosexual.
Or at least as far as *I* have ever been.

What?
NO, I am NOT a fruitbooty, wimmens!!!!
Don't believe me?
Bring yourself over here, and see how I handles my bidness!
You ever been duct taped while "Danke Schoen" from Wayne Newton plays in the dark, and all you can see is the spark from when I touch the two cables together that are hooked to the car battery?

Um...
Nevermind.


Anyway, during the course of my excursions around the beach on Friday, I came across a store that was selling Lucid Absinthe. Now, I have always wanted to try Absinthe, aka The Green Fairy, and since the ban on it in America was finally lifted a little while ago, I figured these four days of nothingness were the perfect time to do so.

Now, Absinthe has more of a legendary folklore to it than any other drink I can think of, and the list of people who were known to love the drink doesn't hurt it's lure to an idiot like me either.

Charles Baudelaire, Vincent Van Gogh, Oscar Wilde, Aleister Crowley were all notorious 'bad men' of the late 19th and early 20th Century that loved Absinthe and the drink has been linked to may other bizarrely creative types also.

So, I needed to see what all the fuss was about.....and I got my bottle of Lucid.

That up there....that's how it's done.
You drip ice cold water on to sugar cubes...that falls into the green concoction, and it turns cloudy white.
Here's is what I can tell you about my experience...
You will be completely fucked up in a matter of no time.
Two shots is really all you should need.
I would imagine that if you had more than two servings of The Green Fairy, you would be a complete and utter mess.
Despite the legend of it being a psychoactive drug, I did NOT experience anything of the sort.
I did however, feel it course through my body after the first few sips.
The warm drunk feeling rushes over you almost instantly.
As far as alcohol goes...this is NO entry level shit.

Highly recommended.

Now, what else can one do with oneself on a relaxing weekend?
Get a massage!

I had NEVER been to a professional masseuse in my life, and didn't plan on ever being to one, but my girlfriend decided to surprise me with a reservation to one Saturday morning.
I'm still not sure how I feel about this.
While I really felt great afterward, I felt really strange having some young woman that I never met before rubbing all over me.

How do you guys go to prostitutes???
I mean, I felt weird enough having some woman just rubbing on me...I can't imagine paying her to do crazy shit like THAT. I mean, paying to kill American tourists in German hostels is one thing...they are touching you....but having sex with a strange woman for cash is weird to me.

Oh, don't try to play it off...you look JUST LIKE the type of cat who trolls around for hookers.

After the massage, I went shopping.
This is where the Sex And The City part starts to come in.

I went to the Guess store, because I dress like I should be hanging out somewhere other than Delaware, but I LOOK like I'm from Delaware...lower Delaware....where they "Punkin' Chunk".

Anyway, I was looking at this red button down.
My girlfriend said "That's an awesome looking shirt...I think you would look really good in it."
I said "I don't know...that's a pretty bold statement."
She said "Yeah, but you always wear wacky shit....you should get it."
Then, the salesman came over...he was clearly living an alternative lifestyle and he said...
"The color is Cranberry, and it IS a bold statement, but at the same time, not so bold that it's garish."

"Garish" is not a word that is in my lexicon.
Shall we?

Main Entry: gar·ish

Pronunciation: \ˈger-ish\

Function: adjective

Etymology: origin unknown

Date: 1545

1 : clothed in vivid colors
2 a : excessively or disturbingly vivid b : offensively or distressingly bright : glaring
3 : tastelessly showy : flashy

Ok, I can dig that....he's right now that I think about it.
It isn't garish at all.
So, I bought that and this other black one with crazy shit on the shoulders.
I SOOOO look better than you when I'm out.

Now how else do you finish off a weekend in the Rehoboth Beach, DE area, but at Gay Karaoke.
Actually I don't know if that's how you do it, it's just how the girlfriend decided we would do it, and as I said, I was in a very relaxed, passive mood...so off we went.

We went to "The Purple Parrot", and I had a blast.
Ok, let's get this out of the way...because it cracked me the hell up when we pulled up to the place...
As we were parking, you could hear someone inside performing "It's Raining Men".
I know that sounds COMPLETELY cliche', but I assure you it's true. I laughed like a hyena.
This was not like the normal karaoke I was used to...these people took pride in their performance!!! AND, most of them could really sing...except for this one transvestite name "Amanda Cruise"...as I am told, Amanda is spelled "A Man DUH!" by this individual. Amanda looked just like a blond Howard Stern, had the same deep toned voice to match.
There was also another one there who looked absolutely terrible. His makeup was bad, and his wig had a TERRIBLE hairline, and his skirt was WAY too short, and from time to time, his pantyhose covered ass would be hanging out.
I would think if one is inclined to do that, they would put a little time into their craft.
Shame on him!!!!

In closing, I spent an entire weekend doing things completely out of my norm.
And I had a blast.
You should try it sometime too.

A Small Public Service Announcement

I've traveled much of the world and much of the country and this I've learned: If your local restaurant has a Philly Cheesesteak on the menu. Don't order it; it sucks. I guess it goes back to the old joke: what do they call chinese food in China? Food. And that's the thing, it's just a cheesesteak. The word "Philly" in front of it is code for 'don't bother, it's dogshit'. That is all.

The Creepiest Song of All Time

I like to try to play guitar. I regularly strap on my guitar, put my iPod on shuffle and play along whatever song comes up. Now Joe has written before about the dangers of shuffling your iPod; I know and understand this fact all too well. But I like to stay well rounded musically. I keep a lot of crap on my iPod that may very well not be a song that I especially like; I more or less keep it around for variety and fun.

So I'm jamming along rocking out, and I come to Dr. Hook's Sharing the Night. It's light enough, easy chords, I remember most of the words from my childhood. But as I'm listening and playing along...oh yeah, all right...I start to really get skeeved out by this rape song. In my mental image, it starts out with this 70's cat, sitting there at a bar -- with his John Oats mustache and medallion, collared shirt opened showing his hairy chest. He's chatting up this broad with Farrah Fawcett hair and he says: Are you lonely? Yeah me too. Let's share the night -- code words for I have candy, let's fuck. Oh yeah, alright.

Now I have no problem with a one night stand, but that's not even what this song is suggesting. If I come on too strong, I hope that you will understand, cause I'd like to know if your lonely as I am. That's got to be the most desperate line I've ever heard. Now a fella with this little game has got to be a rapist, otherwise he'd never get laid. Continuing on: Oh yeah, all right...Cause I like feeling like I do, and I see in your eyes you're liking it too.. Do I need to say anything more? The next line in the story goes:

Uhm, Your Honor, I swear she liked it. I saw it in her eyes. Well no, she couldn't speak with the gag in her mouth, but I know she liked it too. Oh yeah, alright.

I feel like I need a shower after listening to this song. I'm going back to Brandy, because all the sailors say she's a fine girl. Man, the 70's were creepy.

Precious (2009)

"Wow.
That was really fucking INSANE."

There.
That was the best way I could encapsulate how I felt after walking out of the theater tonight.
This is the most hardcore life experience film I think I have ever seen.
It was so amazing in fact, I don't even know where to begin.

So let's start with some background. The film was based on the novel "Push" by Sapphire.
Now, you are probably asking "Joe, what the fuck is a Sapphire???"
Well, I'll tell you....
Sapphire was born Ramona Lofton, but took the name Sapphire because of its association at one time in African-American culture with the image of a "belligerent black woman", during her days as a poet. She wrote poetry books, but as it stands, "Push" is her only novel.

See, you learned something.
Seriously...if the comes up around the office, you can spout off now like you're in the know.
You owe me a Jack and Coke.

The plot revolves around Clareece "Precious" Jones....or more importantly, what revolves around her.
No, I don't mean that in a planetary orbit kind of way because she's a large girl, although I must admit, that was pretty badass of me in the most unintentional of ways.
More to the point, I mean that Precious has horrendously terrible things happen to her throughout the course of her life. More than any one girl should ever have to endure.

How terrible you ask?
Well, let's start here....as the film begins, Precious is currently pregnant with her second child...by her Father.
And how does her Mother feel about all this?
Well, she thinks Precious is a whore who stole her man, and is PISSED that he only gave her one child...but gave Precious two. Precious is such a greedy bitch.
But all that doesn't stop ole' Mom from using Precious for her sexual needs too.

Fucked enough for you yet?
If it isn't, I want you to go away from my blog and never come back.
I'm sure Chris Matthews is waiting to spring his trap on you soon anyway, so what say we just go our separate ways now....cool?

Here's the thing that I found stunning about this movie....not only is the story compelling, but the acting is SO on point, that if feels like a documentary at times. It's literally amazing how you can get so lost in the performances.

And Mo'Nique....HOLY....SHIT.
If the final scene ALONE, with her, Mariah Carey and Gabourey Sidibe doesn't win her an Oscar....then the Oscars have NO merit.
THAT, was fucking stunning work.

Now, I'm gonna leave you with the trailer which fails miserably to convey the power of this movie. When you watch it, it will come off as just another "inner city black person attempts to make good" film.
You know what I mean, there are a million of them now...they are designed to make everyone feel good.
But I can't say "Precious" left me feeling good....it left me realizing that for some people, there isn't a happy ending, but they keep forging ahead anyway.
That sure, you may not EVER get a decent break, but you can always *try* to do right by you, and those around you....because if you fail at that, then what and where are you when the smoke clears?

Oh, and on a side note....a special "thank you" to all the Sistas in the theater who made this so much more of an amazing theatrical experience.
Without the shouts of "Oh HELL NO.....no he dint!", and all the "MMMM HMMM"s it just won't be the same watching at home.
That's the kind of stuff that puts a smile on my face about all of us.

As I promised....the trailer....

New Moon (2009)

I hate "Twilight".
I think Stephanie Meyer is THEE most piss poor writer to ever build a dynasty.

There, that's a good starting point.
And to further illustrate the way I feel, here's my review of "Twilight" from last year:
Twilight Review

Tonight, I was brought to see the second installment of the four part story, "New Moon".
And I didn't entirely dislike it.
Now, I'm not a fan by any stretch of the imagination now, and I do have several gripes with the story, but it was passable from a Twi-Tard hater's perspective.

For starters, "New Moon" showed me EXACTLY what it is that I hate about this story.
Edward Cullen.

Seriously, that character is total shit.
I stated in the "Twilight" review, that I believed him to be a 90210, "Dylan McKay" type of character, and I think I still stand by that. His whispery, angst driven bullshit really ruins the story for me. I mean, I can watch a chick flick....I can buy into an overly sensitive character going after the woman he loves...but this guy is just terrible.

Thankfully, his screen time in this latest edition is minimal.
Instead, this story focuses on Jacob Black's involvement with the Bella Swan character.
Once again, Bella is batting a thousand with the men, because Jacob is a Werewolf.
I hear in the next film, Bella blows Frankenstein's monster behind a Dairy Queen, so that should be pretty interesting.

Now, what I noticed about this story, was that without Edward around, things seemed more alive. And while one COULD suggest that it was cinematic symbolism based upon Edward's character being living dead, I would say that you would be giving this particular film FAR too much credit.
The entire story of Jacob's interaction with Bella, and his coming of age as a Werewolf, wasn't anything groundbreaking, but it was solid enough. It moved well, and with Bella and Jacob, you could feel a decent chemistry. Not to mention, the scenes where Jacob and his wolf pack are hunting the vampire Victoria, added more action alone, than the entire "Twilight" story ever did. And THAT is one of my biggest gripes with this story....if you're gonna make it about vampires and werewolves, give me a little more than some teen angst and a prom!

Far too soon for my liking, however, Edward was back in the film.
And what was he doing?
Plotting to kill himself.

It kinda went like this:

"Bellyache....bellyache....without Bella I don't want to live....bellyache....whine....tormented face....sad face...bellyache....blow a guy in the bushes....bellyache."

Much like a real vampire, he sucks the life blood out of every scene he's in.
So for me, it's clear that he is the Suckberg that sinks the Titanic. (See how I made up a shitty word right there, to tie the romance movie thing together?)

SO, I talked insane amounts of shit on this movie before I ever saw it, but in the end, it wasn't that bad. It was certainly better than "Twilight", but that's not saying much at all.
It's kinda like saying Lethal Weapon 4 was better than 3....neither was good, but there is an order to things.

So, while I wouldn't tell anyone to see this, I will say this...
If you hate this story and you are dreading the idea of having to see this with someone, don't worry so much. The Werewolf stuff is solid....although I wasn't really cool with them walking around shirtless all the time....and well, Edward is still a douche, but you already knew that, right?
Vampires are supposed to suck....and he does....just not the right way.

Who Has An Office In A Men's Room?

Today I made a throw away comment about Fonzie having his "office" in the men's room at Arnold's, and then I got to thinking....what the FUCK was THAT about???

The only guy I ever saw that had an office in a men's room, was in the Inner Harbor shops in Baltimore. It wasn't because he was really cool, and could make the jukebox play "Shaboom Shaboom" by just tapping it the right way, it was because he was trying to blow me for cash.
Is there really anything more humiliating than waiting in a stinking, fouled up men's room, and offering to blow strange men?
The worst part of that whole scenario, is that the Inner Harbor is a tourist area...SO, there are family men using that restroom, and the human cock receptacle isn't in there because he's NOT making money.

Yeah.....EWWWWWWW!
Exactly.

Our pal Fonzie spent a lot of time in the restroom too.
And what was Fonzie always saying to other guys?

"Sit on it"

In fact, if I recall correctly, it was even written on the bathroom wall, as if to be an instructional message to the other men who can to his "office".
Clearly Fonzie was a "top"...because if you told HIM to sit on it, he got heated.
Arthur was NOT a power bottom.

And then...he always had some secret bond with Carmine "The Big Ragu" Raggusa, right? Because whenever Fonzie had a BIG problem, Carmine would walk over from the Laverne & Shirley set, to the Happy Days set.

And tell me THAT guy wasn't a fruitbooty!!
He would bust through the door, singing:
♪"They'll never go from rags to riches"♪

What the FUCK was that supposed to mean?
LOOKOUT, Mr. Broadway Showtunes is here?
I think the only reason people got scared and ran, was because they thought "If he DOES beat us...he's gonna fuck us in the ass!...I'm not risking that shit...let's get the hell out of here!!!".

Look at this queertastic example:


See?
That was a sissy fight if there ever was one.
CLEARLY, someone stole someone else's boyfriend.

So, in closing....I have lost a childhood hero today, and some of you may have just gained one.
I will leave you with a clip from the final season of Happy Days, where Fonzie clearly has come to terms with who he really was. But notice!....when Arnold explains that he accidentally ran over Fonzie's bike, he immediately assumes the position...KNOWING what his punishment would involve.

A New Hero Walks Among Us...Ricky Hollywood

I'm not a big celebrity gossip guy...I don't usually care who is banging or breaking up with who. But, this story has, kind of, grabbed me. I think this situation was made more personal to me, because of all the arguments I had last year, trying to point out what an absolute joke it would be, if Sarah Palin were working in the White House. Now, to all who said otherwise: I told you so.

But really, there's two sides to this story. First Levi Johnston. Let's face it, this kid is fucken awesome, the epitome of the American dream. His story goes: 1) He knocks up an under aged daughter of a Governor. 2) He flies around the country on the GOP's dime. 3) He finds a way to make money from it. And if that's not the American Dream, I don't know what is...Shit, this is like winning the lottery. Bottom line here, he saw an opportunity, and he's taking it. If more Americans were more like him, we wouldn't have the economic problems we've got going on right now. He is a true hero that our kids should aspire to be more like.

And he knows how cool he is. Here in this clip, I absolutely love his arrogance when he says the line 'just because she ran for Vice President, and was Governor of Alaska, that doesn't intimidate me.' He's bold, he's brash, he's Ricky Hollywood.

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

Now I know that some people would rather side with Sarah Palin. I remember you fuckers defending her winks, and down-home-goodness -- baseball, apple pie, and Sarah Palin, right? Ha. But if you still want to defend her, if that's what your thinking right now, if you think all of her self-righteous bullshit talk about praying for him, and feeling sad for him as he's doing porn(and by porn we're talking a no-cock photo shoot in playgirl), you're not only a hypocrite, but also an idiot. If you've been thinking that Levi is the bad guy, and Sarah is the good one here in this scenario, than you just don't have the ability to reason this out. She is pulling the exact same moves that he is. It's the same schtick; it's wrestling. She's just got a different target audience. Levi goes on Tyra, Sarah goes on Oprah. He's a small town boy, she's a small town girl and both of them just out there marketing themselves, like whores, and both of them turning a buck. And if you have any doubt, ask yourself which is going better for the public servant, her run for re-election or her book tour. Peace.

All Jokes Aside....

I want this fucker dead.
Seriously, and I'm not trying to be funny...or edgy...or anything else of the sort.
And I'm not a member of PETA, nor do I dress my dog up in little outfits, like some of you fucktards. In fact, I don't even own a pet.

However, this lowlife piece of shit should have the EXACT same thing done to him...AND his camera crew.
And congrats to the people of Reddit, who found out through their Web-Fu exactly who he was, and now Latvian police have him in custody.

WARNING: THE MOST EXTREME CRUELTY TO AN ANIMAL THAT I HAVE EVER SEEN. VIEW AT YOUR OWN RISK

Latvian Piece Of Shit

Following Up on the Theme of the Week, I guess

I guess I'm just following up on on the theme here -- about Jetson type technology here and now. Yeah, I know, there's still no flying cars or hover boards, but fuck all that noise anyway. First off, Rosie was more of a pain in the ass than a help anyway and Marty McFly's inflatable jacket was all dicked up the whole movie.

But in the here and now the Sixth Sense is friggen amazing -- I mean jaw-dropping amazing. I couldn't embed this video, so check out this link from TED. TED Talks Video The first 5 or 6 minutes are cool enough, shows you some if this maniac's crazy ideas. But around the 6 minute mark, as he starts to show off the Sixth Sense and some of the crazy shit it can do, it just blew me away. I love the part where he says, 'maybe you don't want to take your camera out of your pocket' and 'maybe you don't want to look it up on your iPhone' -- as if these two tasks are too difficult. Either way, with this gadget going, I don't see any reason to own a camera or an iPhone for that matter. Check out the floor pong on the subway -- just amazing.

Also, here's his website. Pranavmistry.com

The Stuff In My Head: Vol 152

This kinda stuff has bothered me as long as I can remember, but it was refreshed a couple days ago.
So, I'm talking to my daughter the other day, and we began discussing someone that she knows who doesn't allow her child to watch any TV, nor would she wish him to use the internet. He can only read books and play with educational toys. Idea being, that the child will become more advanced somehow, by not knowing about the world around him...his environment, if you will. This isn't the first I've heard of such ideas...in fact, I've heard MANY people spout off similar things.

See, whether we like it or not, the technological age is here, and it's experiencing exponential growth as we speak. Books....written word on paper, is an antiquated form of communicating information NOW. Not tomorrow, not in some Jetson's like future...but RIGHT...NOW.

In Sternberg's Triarchic Theory of Human Intelligence, the third subtheory deals with the ability to adapt to one's environment. I think we can all recall the most basic premise of a species adapting to it's environment or perishing, right?

Well, what justice are you doing, by forbidding your child the knowledge of the world around him? Forbidding him from adapting to his environment.
How are you making him more intelligent?
If anything, you are putting him at an extreme disadvantage when it comes to socializing with other children, and this could potentially lead to him being an outcast, and THAT could lead to depression issues.

Let's go a step further with the thinking that the internet is bad thing.
If you were to write a book report today about the moon, using a book printed JUST LAST YEAR as your source of information, your book report would be wrong.
You would not be more intelligent because you only used a book for your source material, because your report would be, in fact, erroneous.

Why?

Because it would tell you that the moon was barren, and contained no water.
BUT, as of late last week, we know that there is, in fact, gallons of water under the moon's surface. This knowledge comes from the fact that on October 9, 2009, NASA bombed the moon to search for just such a thing.

Your book...even if it was printed in September of this year, would tell you no such thing.

The line of logic that dictates books are more "intelligent" than up to minute information, is staggeringly absurd to me. Furthermore, I don't think anyone who makes such statements actually ever put any thought into what they're saying. I think it's just some bizarre belief that they have been indoctrinated into, so they parrot it at any opportunity.

I wonder if when broadcast news became a reality, there were people who swore that waiting for the paper the next morning was more "intelligent"?
While we're at it...why don't we just drop all current form of communication, and go back to drawing on cave walls?
See how dumb that is?
Just because something was done one way once, doesn't mean it was better....it just means that was all we could do at the time.

From the time they were small, I've always explained everything to my children in extreme detail. When I first showed them Jurassic Park, I also showed them the "making of" so that they understood what they were watching. Not just for the purposes of not being scared of what they saw, but so that they understood the art involved in movie making.

When I took my children to see The Dark Knight last Summer, several people said I was crazy to have done so. That some of the imagery was too dark for them.
But if you ask my children about The Dark Knight, they'll tell you that Heath Ledger gave a brilliant performance as the Joker...they KNOW that the Joker isn't a real person.
But the child that my daughter and I were discussing...the discussion that started all of this....he believes Batman is a real person according to her.
She thought that was...weird, but hardly more intelligent.

One thing I can tell you with absolute certainty, is that my children know more about what's going on in the world, than I EVER did at their age. I think if you take a hard look at your children too, you'll say the same.
We live in a hi-tech, multimedia world.
That is a fact.
That is YOUR environment.
That is your child's environment.
Instead of shielding your child from EVERYTHING, and having them read books by candlelight for information, how about taking some time to explain to them what it is they're seeing around them, Charles Ingalls?

It will be ok.
Trust me.