Giant Oompa-Loompas Discovered Near Brazil/Peru Border

Orange men and a chocolate covered woman gaze at the giant scary bird in the sky. Not pictured: Veruca Salt.

By now you’ve all probably seen the pictures: Scantily-clad natives painted in bright colors, poised with their hand-made bow and arrows ready to shoot the noisy mechanical beast-plane down from the sky.

The National Indian Foundation is concerned that illegal logging in Peru is causing various Peruvian tribes to relocate into Brazil. Tribal interaction could cause turmoil for the Brazilian Indian tribes, many of whom are still uncontacted by THE MAN. And besides, illegal logging is shrinking the Amazon and if it continues, our eco-system could be fucked.

So a few weeks ago, in an attempt to prove the existence of the isolated Brazilian tribe, the preservationist group flew an airplane over their village at least twice. They flew over the first time to locate the village, and a second time because they neglected to bring cameras with them the first time around. The lapse between the first fly-by and the second gave the Indian warriors and their women time to don orange or black body paint to show they meant business.

How cool would this be is the photo is real, and the tribe does exist? It is estimated that there are approximately 500 uncontacted Brazilian Indians in the group. That’s hundreds of years of inbreeding right there, folks. Holy shit… can you imagine what was going through their minds when they saw the plane? “Hopi, run and get little Innu. We make virgin sacrifice now!” or “Hualipi go put on your best black body paint boil some water. I’ll wear my orange body paint. We could have company for dinner tonight, and boy do they look DELICIOUS! ”

But the more I think about it, the more I think the photo could be bogus. For one, who the fuck would set out to locate these tribes and not bring a camera? It seems a little farfetched that the Indian Foundation wouldn’t have a camera with them the first time. They took quite a risk that the first fly-by would scare the tribe into hiding. And the orange body paint made for a good photo, didn’t it? It seems a bit too convenient that the natives were wearing such striking colors, all to show that they were ready for battle. The photos would have had less of an impact without the bright orange, don’t you think? And the unarmed woman standing out in the open –imagine seeing a large monster in the sky, not knowing what it is, and just standing there with a gaping maw and no protection. I’m not buying it.

Although I fully understand why the Foundation would fake such a scenario, and I support their cause 100%. It wouldn’t be the first time this has been done, either. In the 1970’s, the Filipino government claimed to have found an uncontacted tribe called the Tasaday tribe. This turned out to be a hoax and the goal was to protect the deep jungle from guess what? Illegal logging.

Rock on, Greenpeace type hippies. Save the Amazon!