"You Ain't Never Been Chunkin'?"

"You ain't never been squirrelin'? How can you call your self a man, and you ain't never been squirrelin'?"

That question was posed to me, by an individual who had a VERY brief stint as my employee, while he cackled like a hyena at the absurdity of the fact that I had never taken it upon myself to hunt tree rats for sport.

Do you want to know how the rest of the conversation went?
Sure you do.

Me: "Why, what's so great about "squirrelin'"....what do you get out of killing fuckin' squirrels?

Wait for it people.....wait....for....it....

Pudding Brain: "Oh, I don't know....I ain't never been."

While the sheer stupidity of that seems incredibly unbelievable, I assure you, much to my chagrin, it's true. But like I said...I quickly got rid of him.

What else may seem absurd, is that here in Delaware, an annual tradition occurs which is known as "Punkin' Chunkin'".
"Why, whatever is this "Punkin' Chunkin'" you speak of, Joe?"
Fine, you don't have to twist my arm...I'll tell you.

Basically it goes like this....everyone meets on a farm, some of the people have constructed machines that are specifically designed to launch pumpkins across the farm. The person whose machine launches the pumpkin the farthest becomes like...the king of lower Delaware or something.

Awesome, right?

Well, I know you will find this hard to believe, but in all my years in the State, I never felt inclined to go to this gala affair.

Until this year.

This year, I decided I needed to experience the pageantry of it all, because you only live once, right?

First, I think you need to understand, that this wasn't just any old "Punkin' Chunkin'" event that you could just see on any given day, ANYWHERE in America. No, sir...this was the WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP of the sport, as indicated by this...gnome....or moonshine bootlegger or something...


As you can see, this was no joke of any sort.

The problem that I had with the event itself, was that it went on far too long. You would be surprised how many people turn out with their own contraptions to fire pumpkins in the sky.
AND, they spend a SHIT TON of money to make these things. (By the way, this IS worse than fireworks, right? I mean, I've always found something a bit off about guys who love blowing up fireworks once past their teenage years, but this is technically worse than that, right? Or am I way off base here?)

You can see two of the huge air compressor driven cannon turrets in the distance, right past this gentleman who is doing NOTHING out of the ordinary by sitting on a pole with a bike seat attached to it.


Now, I know what you're thinking.
You're thinking that this is some kind of redneck event, right?
That sure, there's a lot of science that goes into making these contraptions, but that there are probably a lot of hillbilly types that enjoy this display.
Well, you couldn't be MORE wrong. There is a great sense of pride at this event. Why everywhere I looked, flags were flying and adorning store fronts.
Don't believe me?
See for your self.....

See?
Told you.

And this is the kind of pride that you can only see at....oh, wait a sec, be back in a minute.

Sir!
Sir!


Sir, your belt seems to be failing you!

Ok, I'm back.
Glad that I could help that man out. I wouldn't want him looking all foolish when in the presence of so many others who are on the cutting edge of fashion at such an event.
Fashionistas and Artisans made their presence known everywhere at the 2009 Chunkin' Championship.
It took everything in me to not buy one of these lovely set of wind chimes...


...But then I realized that I don't have a trailer porch to hang them from, and I made the sad face.
All of my dreams were shattered, of some day sitting on my front porch with no shirt on, drinking cheap beer, while the COPS camera crew arrived just as I was being tackled to the ground by the officers because they refused to believe that "I ain't never meant to stab nobody". And in all the chaos, a faint *clang clang clang* from the wind chimes to settle my nerves, as the dark enveloped me due to my eyes being blinded by pepper spray.

Oh, but the artistic masterpieces didn't stop there!
There was an entire table of things like this one, that I've affectionately dubbed "Sparky the Horse"...see because he's made of spark plu....oh nevermind....you're so cynical!


Someone else enjoyed the fine craftsmanship of Sparky and the other items like him on this particular table's offerings too.
I call him "King Chunkin'", because I believe this one photo encapsulates EVERYTHING "Punkin' Chunkin'".


Confederate Flags.
"Punkin' Flag.
A can of Natural Ice©.
A "Bucket O' Fries".
A huge belt buckle.
A shirt unbuttoned halfway down.
A mohawk.
And "art" made of old automotive parts.

And as one was soaking in all of this Americana...in the distance the live band fronted by who I believe was Pinky Tuscadero, could be heard playing John Cougar Mellencamp favorites....


Does it get any better than that?
No.
No it doesn't.

The strange thing about this whole event, is that it seems no one actually cares who wins.
The Champion was to be crowned somewhere around 4pm, but by 2pm most of the people had left already.
So I was left believing that the crowd only cared about watching the pumpkins launched into the air, but beyond that....funnel cake and corn dogs were more interesting.
Could that possibly be?
NAAAAAHHHHH!

I also learned two things from "The World Punkin' Chunkin' Championship 2009"

1.) Sometimes things are going to be EXACTLY like what you thought they would be.

and

2.) There apparently isn't a black man in the State Of Delaware who cared to watch a pumpkin get fired across a cornfield.

I know right about now, you may be feeling a bit left out....feeling as if you were robbed of your chance to be a part of something magical.
Well do I have news for you!!

The Science Channel was there and filmed the event!
No, it wasn't for an in-depth scientific special series to answer the age old question "What The Fuck Is Wrong With People?"
No, sir!
It was for a special, covering this event, to air THIS upcoming Thanksgiving Night!!!
A WINNER IS YOU!!!!!

Here's the link for the Science Channel's Punkin' Chunkin' Special: Link

You aint' never been Chunkin'?