Tales Of Absinthe, Gay Karaoke, And A Full Body Massage.

Man, that just sounds NASTY, doesn't it?
It's not that bad, I swear.

This past weekend...right after Thanksgiving dinner in fact, I went with my girlfriend to spend four days in Bethany Beach, DE.
I was really up for the whole "nothing to do, no where to be" schedule of things, because even when you're home and things are that same way, it doesn't FEEL like it.
You know what I mean?

These four days were the closest a man has ever been to actually being one of the girls on Sex And The City, while being completely heterosexual.
Or at least as far as *I* have ever been.

What?
NO, I am NOT a fruitbooty, wimmens!!!!
Don't believe me?
Bring yourself over here, and see how I handles my bidness!
You ever been duct taped while "Danke Schoen" from Wayne Newton plays in the dark, and all you can see is the spark from when I touch the two cables together that are hooked to the car battery?

Um...
Nevermind.


Anyway, during the course of my excursions around the beach on Friday, I came across a store that was selling Lucid Absinthe. Now, I have always wanted to try Absinthe, aka The Green Fairy, and since the ban on it in America was finally lifted a little while ago, I figured these four days of nothingness were the perfect time to do so.

Now, Absinthe has more of a legendary folklore to it than any other drink I can think of, and the list of people who were known to love the drink doesn't hurt it's lure to an idiot like me either.

Charles Baudelaire, Vincent Van Gogh, Oscar Wilde, Aleister Crowley were all notorious 'bad men' of the late 19th and early 20th Century that loved Absinthe and the drink has been linked to may other bizarrely creative types also.

So, I needed to see what all the fuss was about.....and I got my bottle of Lucid.

That up there....that's how it's done.
You drip ice cold water on to sugar cubes...that falls into the green concoction, and it turns cloudy white.
Here's is what I can tell you about my experience...
You will be completely fucked up in a matter of no time.
Two shots is really all you should need.
I would imagine that if you had more than two servings of The Green Fairy, you would be a complete and utter mess.
Despite the legend of it being a psychoactive drug, I did NOT experience anything of the sort.
I did however, feel it course through my body after the first few sips.
The warm drunk feeling rushes over you almost instantly.
As far as alcohol goes...this is NO entry level shit.

Highly recommended.

Now, what else can one do with oneself on a relaxing weekend?
Get a massage!

I had NEVER been to a professional masseuse in my life, and didn't plan on ever being to one, but my girlfriend decided to surprise me with a reservation to one Saturday morning.
I'm still not sure how I feel about this.
While I really felt great afterward, I felt really strange having some young woman that I never met before rubbing all over me.

How do you guys go to prostitutes???
I mean, I felt weird enough having some woman just rubbing on me...I can't imagine paying her to do crazy shit like THAT. I mean, paying to kill American tourists in German hostels is one thing...they are touching you....but having sex with a strange woman for cash is weird to me.

Oh, don't try to play it off...you look JUST LIKE the type of cat who trolls around for hookers.

After the massage, I went shopping.
This is where the Sex And The City part starts to come in.

I went to the Guess store, because I dress like I should be hanging out somewhere other than Delaware, but I LOOK like I'm from Delaware...lower Delaware....where they "Punkin' Chunk".

Anyway, I was looking at this red button down.
My girlfriend said "That's an awesome looking shirt...I think you would look really good in it."
I said "I don't know...that's a pretty bold statement."
She said "Yeah, but you always wear wacky shit....you should get it."
Then, the salesman came over...he was clearly living an alternative lifestyle and he said...
"The color is Cranberry, and it IS a bold statement, but at the same time, not so bold that it's garish."

"Garish" is not a word that is in my lexicon.
Shall we?

Main Entry: gar·ish

Pronunciation: \ˈger-ish\

Function: adjective

Etymology: origin unknown

Date: 1545

1 : clothed in vivid colors
2 a : excessively or disturbingly vivid b : offensively or distressingly bright : glaring
3 : tastelessly showy : flashy

Ok, I can dig that....he's right now that I think about it.
It isn't garish at all.
So, I bought that and this other black one with crazy shit on the shoulders.
I SOOOO look better than you when I'm out.

Now how else do you finish off a weekend in the Rehoboth Beach, DE area, but at Gay Karaoke.
Actually I don't know if that's how you do it, it's just how the girlfriend decided we would do it, and as I said, I was in a very relaxed, passive mood...so off we went.

We went to "The Purple Parrot", and I had a blast.
Ok, let's get this out of the way...because it cracked me the hell up when we pulled up to the place...
As we were parking, you could hear someone inside performing "It's Raining Men".
I know that sounds COMPLETELY cliche', but I assure you it's true. I laughed like a hyena.
This was not like the normal karaoke I was used to...these people took pride in their performance!!! AND, most of them could really sing...except for this one transvestite name "Amanda Cruise"...as I am told, Amanda is spelled "A Man DUH!" by this individual. Amanda looked just like a blond Howard Stern, had the same deep toned voice to match.
There was also another one there who looked absolutely terrible. His makeup was bad, and his wig had a TERRIBLE hairline, and his skirt was WAY too short, and from time to time, his pantyhose covered ass would be hanging out.
I would think if one is inclined to do that, they would put a little time into their craft.
Shame on him!!!!

In closing, I spent an entire weekend doing things completely out of my norm.
And I had a blast.
You should try it sometime too.

A Small Public Service Announcement

I've traveled much of the world and much of the country and this I've learned: If your local restaurant has a Philly Cheesesteak on the menu. Don't order it; it sucks. I guess it goes back to the old joke: what do they call chinese food in China? Food. And that's the thing, it's just a cheesesteak. The word "Philly" in front of it is code for 'don't bother, it's dogshit'. That is all.

The Creepiest Song of All Time

I like to try to play guitar. I regularly strap on my guitar, put my iPod on shuffle and play along whatever song comes up. Now Joe has written before about the dangers of shuffling your iPod; I know and understand this fact all too well. But I like to stay well rounded musically. I keep a lot of crap on my iPod that may very well not be a song that I especially like; I more or less keep it around for variety and fun.

So I'm jamming along rocking out, and I come to Dr. Hook's Sharing the Night. It's light enough, easy chords, I remember most of the words from my childhood. But as I'm listening and playing along...oh yeah, all right...I start to really get skeeved out by this rape song. In my mental image, it starts out with this 70's cat, sitting there at a bar -- with his John Oats mustache and medallion, collared shirt opened showing his hairy chest. He's chatting up this broad with Farrah Fawcett hair and he says: Are you lonely? Yeah me too. Let's share the night -- code words for I have candy, let's fuck. Oh yeah, alright.

Now I have no problem with a one night stand, but that's not even what this song is suggesting. If I come on too strong, I hope that you will understand, cause I'd like to know if your lonely as I am. That's got to be the most desperate line I've ever heard. Now a fella with this little game has got to be a rapist, otherwise he'd never get laid. Continuing on: Oh yeah, all right...Cause I like feeling like I do, and I see in your eyes you're liking it too.. Do I need to say anything more? The next line in the story goes:

Uhm, Your Honor, I swear she liked it. I saw it in her eyes. Well no, she couldn't speak with the gag in her mouth, but I know she liked it too. Oh yeah, alright.

I feel like I need a shower after listening to this song. I'm going back to Brandy, because all the sailors say she's a fine girl. Man, the 70's were creepy.

Precious (2009)

"Wow.
That was really fucking INSANE."

There.
That was the best way I could encapsulate how I felt after walking out of the theater tonight.
This is the most hardcore life experience film I think I have ever seen.
It was so amazing in fact, I don't even know where to begin.

So let's start with some background. The film was based on the novel "Push" by Sapphire.
Now, you are probably asking "Joe, what the fuck is a Sapphire???"
Well, I'll tell you....
Sapphire was born Ramona Lofton, but took the name Sapphire because of its association at one time in African-American culture with the image of a "belligerent black woman", during her days as a poet. She wrote poetry books, but as it stands, "Push" is her only novel.

See, you learned something.
Seriously...if the comes up around the office, you can spout off now like you're in the know.
You owe me a Jack and Coke.

The plot revolves around Clareece "Precious" Jones....or more importantly, what revolves around her.
No, I don't mean that in a planetary orbit kind of way because she's a large girl, although I must admit, that was pretty badass of me in the most unintentional of ways.
More to the point, I mean that Precious has horrendously terrible things happen to her throughout the course of her life. More than any one girl should ever have to endure.

How terrible you ask?
Well, let's start here....as the film begins, Precious is currently pregnant with her second child...by her Father.
And how does her Mother feel about all this?
Well, she thinks Precious is a whore who stole her man, and is PISSED that he only gave her one child...but gave Precious two. Precious is such a greedy bitch.
But all that doesn't stop ole' Mom from using Precious for her sexual needs too.

Fucked enough for you yet?
If it isn't, I want you to go away from my blog and never come back.
I'm sure Chris Matthews is waiting to spring his trap on you soon anyway, so what say we just go our separate ways now....cool?

Here's the thing that I found stunning about this movie....not only is the story compelling, but the acting is SO on point, that if feels like a documentary at times. It's literally amazing how you can get so lost in the performances.

And Mo'Nique....HOLY....SHIT.
If the final scene ALONE, with her, Mariah Carey and Gabourey Sidibe doesn't win her an Oscar....then the Oscars have NO merit.
THAT, was fucking stunning work.

Now, I'm gonna leave you with the trailer which fails miserably to convey the power of this movie. When you watch it, it will come off as just another "inner city black person attempts to make good" film.
You know what I mean, there are a million of them now...they are designed to make everyone feel good.
But I can't say "Precious" left me feeling good....it left me realizing that for some people, there isn't a happy ending, but they keep forging ahead anyway.
That sure, you may not EVER get a decent break, but you can always *try* to do right by you, and those around you....because if you fail at that, then what and where are you when the smoke clears?

Oh, and on a side note....a special "thank you" to all the Sistas in the theater who made this so much more of an amazing theatrical experience.
Without the shouts of "Oh HELL NO.....no he dint!", and all the "MMMM HMMM"s it just won't be the same watching at home.
That's the kind of stuff that puts a smile on my face about all of us.

As I promised....the trailer....

New Moon (2009)

I hate "Twilight".
I think Stephanie Meyer is THEE most piss poor writer to ever build a dynasty.

There, that's a good starting point.
And to further illustrate the way I feel, here's my review of "Twilight" from last year:
Twilight Review

Tonight, I was brought to see the second installment of the four part story, "New Moon".
And I didn't entirely dislike it.
Now, I'm not a fan by any stretch of the imagination now, and I do have several gripes with the story, but it was passable from a Twi-Tard hater's perspective.

For starters, "New Moon" showed me EXACTLY what it is that I hate about this story.
Edward Cullen.

Seriously, that character is total shit.
I stated in the "Twilight" review, that I believed him to be a 90210, "Dylan McKay" type of character, and I think I still stand by that. His whispery, angst driven bullshit really ruins the story for me. I mean, I can watch a chick flick....I can buy into an overly sensitive character going after the woman he loves...but this guy is just terrible.

Thankfully, his screen time in this latest edition is minimal.
Instead, this story focuses on Jacob Black's involvement with the Bella Swan character.
Once again, Bella is batting a thousand with the men, because Jacob is a Werewolf.
I hear in the next film, Bella blows Frankenstein's monster behind a Dairy Queen, so that should be pretty interesting.

Now, what I noticed about this story, was that without Edward around, things seemed more alive. And while one COULD suggest that it was cinematic symbolism based upon Edward's character being living dead, I would say that you would be giving this particular film FAR too much credit.
The entire story of Jacob's interaction with Bella, and his coming of age as a Werewolf, wasn't anything groundbreaking, but it was solid enough. It moved well, and with Bella and Jacob, you could feel a decent chemistry. Not to mention, the scenes where Jacob and his wolf pack are hunting the vampire Victoria, added more action alone, than the entire "Twilight" story ever did. And THAT is one of my biggest gripes with this story....if you're gonna make it about vampires and werewolves, give me a little more than some teen angst and a prom!

Far too soon for my liking, however, Edward was back in the film.
And what was he doing?
Plotting to kill himself.

It kinda went like this:

"Bellyache....bellyache....without Bella I don't want to live....bellyache....whine....tormented face....sad face...bellyache....blow a guy in the bushes....bellyache."

Much like a real vampire, he sucks the life blood out of every scene he's in.
So for me, it's clear that he is the Suckberg that sinks the Titanic. (See how I made up a shitty word right there, to tie the romance movie thing together?)

SO, I talked insane amounts of shit on this movie before I ever saw it, but in the end, it wasn't that bad. It was certainly better than "Twilight", but that's not saying much at all.
It's kinda like saying Lethal Weapon 4 was better than 3....neither was good, but there is an order to things.

So, while I wouldn't tell anyone to see this, I will say this...
If you hate this story and you are dreading the idea of having to see this with someone, don't worry so much. The Werewolf stuff is solid....although I wasn't really cool with them walking around shirtless all the time....and well, Edward is still a douche, but you already knew that, right?
Vampires are supposed to suck....and he does....just not the right way.

Who Has An Office In A Men's Room?

Today I made a throw away comment about Fonzie having his "office" in the men's room at Arnold's, and then I got to thinking....what the FUCK was THAT about???

The only guy I ever saw that had an office in a men's room, was in the Inner Harbor shops in Baltimore. It wasn't because he was really cool, and could make the jukebox play "Shaboom Shaboom" by just tapping it the right way, it was because he was trying to blow me for cash.
Is there really anything more humiliating than waiting in a stinking, fouled up men's room, and offering to blow strange men?
The worst part of that whole scenario, is that the Inner Harbor is a tourist area...SO, there are family men using that restroom, and the human cock receptacle isn't in there because he's NOT making money.

Yeah.....EWWWWWWW!
Exactly.

Our pal Fonzie spent a lot of time in the restroom too.
And what was Fonzie always saying to other guys?

"Sit on it"

In fact, if I recall correctly, it was even written on the bathroom wall, as if to be an instructional message to the other men who can to his "office".
Clearly Fonzie was a "top"...because if you told HIM to sit on it, he got heated.
Arthur was NOT a power bottom.

And then...he always had some secret bond with Carmine "The Big Ragu" Raggusa, right? Because whenever Fonzie had a BIG problem, Carmine would walk over from the Laverne & Shirley set, to the Happy Days set.

And tell me THAT guy wasn't a fruitbooty!!
He would bust through the door, singing:
♪"They'll never go from rags to riches"♪

What the FUCK was that supposed to mean?
LOOKOUT, Mr. Broadway Showtunes is here?
I think the only reason people got scared and ran, was because they thought "If he DOES beat us...he's gonna fuck us in the ass!...I'm not risking that shit...let's get the hell out of here!!!".

Look at this queertastic example:


See?
That was a sissy fight if there ever was one.
CLEARLY, someone stole someone else's boyfriend.

So, in closing....I have lost a childhood hero today, and some of you may have just gained one.
I will leave you with a clip from the final season of Happy Days, where Fonzie clearly has come to terms with who he really was. But notice!....when Arnold explains that he accidentally ran over Fonzie's bike, he immediately assumes the position...KNOWING what his punishment would involve.

A New Hero Walks Among Us...Ricky Hollywood

I'm not a big celebrity gossip guy...I don't usually care who is banging or breaking up with who. But, this story has, kind of, grabbed me. I think this situation was made more personal to me, because of all the arguments I had last year, trying to point out what an absolute joke it would be, if Sarah Palin were working in the White House. Now, to all who said otherwise: I told you so.

But really, there's two sides to this story. First Levi Johnston. Let's face it, this kid is fucken awesome, the epitome of the American dream. His story goes: 1) He knocks up an under aged daughter of a Governor. 2) He flies around the country on the GOP's dime. 3) He finds a way to make money from it. And if that's not the American Dream, I don't know what is...Shit, this is like winning the lottery. Bottom line here, he saw an opportunity, and he's taking it. If more Americans were more like him, we wouldn't have the economic problems we've got going on right now. He is a true hero that our kids should aspire to be more like.

And he knows how cool he is. Here in this clip, I absolutely love his arrogance when he says the line 'just because she ran for Vice President, and was Governor of Alaska, that doesn't intimidate me.' He's bold, he's brash, he's Ricky Hollywood.

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

Now I know that some people would rather side with Sarah Palin. I remember you fuckers defending her winks, and down-home-goodness -- baseball, apple pie, and Sarah Palin, right? Ha. But if you still want to defend her, if that's what your thinking right now, if you think all of her self-righteous bullshit talk about praying for him, and feeling sad for him as he's doing porn(and by porn we're talking a no-cock photo shoot in playgirl), you're not only a hypocrite, but also an idiot. If you've been thinking that Levi is the bad guy, and Sarah is the good one here in this scenario, than you just don't have the ability to reason this out. She is pulling the exact same moves that he is. It's the same schtick; it's wrestling. She's just got a different target audience. Levi goes on Tyra, Sarah goes on Oprah. He's a small town boy, she's a small town girl and both of them just out there marketing themselves, like whores, and both of them turning a buck. And if you have any doubt, ask yourself which is going better for the public servant, her run for re-election or her book tour. Peace.

All Jokes Aside....

I want this fucker dead.
Seriously, and I'm not trying to be funny...or edgy...or anything else of the sort.
And I'm not a member of PETA, nor do I dress my dog up in little outfits, like some of you fucktards. In fact, I don't even own a pet.

However, this lowlife piece of shit should have the EXACT same thing done to him...AND his camera crew.
And congrats to the people of Reddit, who found out through their Web-Fu exactly who he was, and now Latvian police have him in custody.

WARNING: THE MOST EXTREME CRUELTY TO AN ANIMAL THAT I HAVE EVER SEEN. VIEW AT YOUR OWN RISK

Latvian Piece Of Shit

Following Up on the Theme of the Week, I guess

I guess I'm just following up on on the theme here -- about Jetson type technology here and now. Yeah, I know, there's still no flying cars or hover boards, but fuck all that noise anyway. First off, Rosie was more of a pain in the ass than a help anyway and Marty McFly's inflatable jacket was all dicked up the whole movie.

But in the here and now the Sixth Sense is friggen amazing -- I mean jaw-dropping amazing. I couldn't embed this video, so check out this link from TED. TED Talks Video The first 5 or 6 minutes are cool enough, shows you some if this maniac's crazy ideas. But around the 6 minute mark, as he starts to show off the Sixth Sense and some of the crazy shit it can do, it just blew me away. I love the part where he says, 'maybe you don't want to take your camera out of your pocket' and 'maybe you don't want to look it up on your iPhone' -- as if these two tasks are too difficult. Either way, with this gadget going, I don't see any reason to own a camera or an iPhone for that matter. Check out the floor pong on the subway -- just amazing.

Also, here's his website. Pranavmistry.com

The Stuff In My Head: Vol 152

This kinda stuff has bothered me as long as I can remember, but it was refreshed a couple days ago.
So, I'm talking to my daughter the other day, and we began discussing someone that she knows who doesn't allow her child to watch any TV, nor would she wish him to use the internet. He can only read books and play with educational toys. Idea being, that the child will become more advanced somehow, by not knowing about the world around him...his environment, if you will. This isn't the first I've heard of such ideas...in fact, I've heard MANY people spout off similar things.

See, whether we like it or not, the technological age is here, and it's experiencing exponential growth as we speak. Books....written word on paper, is an antiquated form of communicating information NOW. Not tomorrow, not in some Jetson's like future...but RIGHT...NOW.

In Sternberg's Triarchic Theory of Human Intelligence, the third subtheory deals with the ability to adapt to one's environment. I think we can all recall the most basic premise of a species adapting to it's environment or perishing, right?

Well, what justice are you doing, by forbidding your child the knowledge of the world around him? Forbidding him from adapting to his environment.
How are you making him more intelligent?
If anything, you are putting him at an extreme disadvantage when it comes to socializing with other children, and this could potentially lead to him being an outcast, and THAT could lead to depression issues.

Let's go a step further with the thinking that the internet is bad thing.
If you were to write a book report today about the moon, using a book printed JUST LAST YEAR as your source of information, your book report would be wrong.
You would not be more intelligent because you only used a book for your source material, because your report would be, in fact, erroneous.

Why?

Because it would tell you that the moon was barren, and contained no water.
BUT, as of late last week, we know that there is, in fact, gallons of water under the moon's surface. This knowledge comes from the fact that on October 9, 2009, NASA bombed the moon to search for just such a thing.

Your book...even if it was printed in September of this year, would tell you no such thing.

The line of logic that dictates books are more "intelligent" than up to minute information, is staggeringly absurd to me. Furthermore, I don't think anyone who makes such statements actually ever put any thought into what they're saying. I think it's just some bizarre belief that they have been indoctrinated into, so they parrot it at any opportunity.

I wonder if when broadcast news became a reality, there were people who swore that waiting for the paper the next morning was more "intelligent"?
While we're at it...why don't we just drop all current form of communication, and go back to drawing on cave walls?
See how dumb that is?
Just because something was done one way once, doesn't mean it was better....it just means that was all we could do at the time.

From the time they were small, I've always explained everything to my children in extreme detail. When I first showed them Jurassic Park, I also showed them the "making of" so that they understood what they were watching. Not just for the purposes of not being scared of what they saw, but so that they understood the art involved in movie making.

When I took my children to see The Dark Knight last Summer, several people said I was crazy to have done so. That some of the imagery was too dark for them.
But if you ask my children about The Dark Knight, they'll tell you that Heath Ledger gave a brilliant performance as the Joker...they KNOW that the Joker isn't a real person.
But the child that my daughter and I were discussing...the discussion that started all of this....he believes Batman is a real person according to her.
She thought that was...weird, but hardly more intelligent.

One thing I can tell you with absolute certainty, is that my children know more about what's going on in the world, than I EVER did at their age. I think if you take a hard look at your children too, you'll say the same.
We live in a hi-tech, multimedia world.
That is a fact.
That is YOUR environment.
That is your child's environment.
Instead of shielding your child from EVERYTHING, and having them read books by candlelight for information, how about taking some time to explain to them what it is they're seeing around them, Charles Ingalls?

It will be ok.
Trust me.

Hey Hollywood...Stupid Much?

I've been going to the movies a lot lately, and as a result, I see the same trailers over and over again. But there's one that REALLY irritates the shit out of me.
Please watch the following trailer for the film "Brothers"....



Now, why exactly do I need to see this film?
I mean, is it me...or did I just see the entire film in the trailer?
How fucking dumb are these people in Hollywood?
In 1999, there was an Ashley Judd film called Double Jeopardy that did the exact same thing, BUT, it was even worse than this, because it gave away several crucial plot twists....in fact, ALL the crucial plot twists that were contained in the movie.
SO, you ended up just watching an extended version of the trailer, because you knew EVERYTHING that was going to happen.

Here's how I would have done the "Brothers" trailer....
You would have seen the plot point of Portman finding out that her husband had died during active duty in Iraq.
You then would have seen Jake Gyllenhaal stepping up to the plate with his brother's family, and the subsequent romance that blooms between him and Portman.

And that's it.

That carries enough human emotion in and of itself, that it would resonate with a lot of people, and it would put asses in seats.
THEN....THEN, people, you would get the plot twist of Tobey Maguire not really being dead, and the complete breakdown that ensues afterward.
PAYDIRT!

I hope this film fails JUST BECAUSE of this idiotic trailer.
I hope it gets critical praise, but people just think...."Eh...I don't feel I need to see it based on the trailer".

Doucherockets.

We Must Stop The Massive Mouth Raping Of Frogs, By Chimpanzees!!

I'm sure you've heard of it by now.
I'm sure someone you know has had their life altered by it.

I'm talking about Chimpanzees forcing Frogs to perform oral sex on them.

For too long now, we have simply looked away, or pretended we didn't know when one of these terrible crimes would happen.
But how long can we sit back and just ignore something so terrible?

We here at And Anudder Ting! are taking a stand!
We are joining the fight against this epidemic, because if you aren't stopping the Chimpanzees from mouth raping these frogs, then you're guilty of the forced oral yourself.

Here's a video that I hope you take into deep consideration.

N.S.F.W.!!

Buh Bye, Toolshed.

"A Living Jizz Stain"

Tonight, we say goodbye to one of the biggest pieces of shit America has ever known, John Allen Williams....or as he prefers to be known John Allen Muhammed.

In case you don't remember him, he, along with teenage accomplice Lee Boyd Malvo, spent 3 weeks terrorizing the Washington D.C. region by carrying out a killing spree in 2002.
The timing was great, because it was right after 9/11, and everyone thought that this would be the beginning of mass killing sprees all across America.

Well, tonight, Dickrag up there is going to die by lethal injection, and while it happened rather quickly by American legal standards, it didn't happen soon enough for yours truly.
I would go into how things would be in a "Joe run America", but then that whole Hitler thing gets thrown at me, and while the Hugo Boss designed uniforms were VERY stylish, I don't really like the association.
PLUS, I think I would look like a total douche with that moustache.
I don't know...what do you think?


Hmm....maybe something to think about.

ANYWAY....Fuck you, John Allen Muhammed....may your eternity in Hell be filled with repeatedly being sniped in your cockandballs while you are knee deep, shoveling an eternal shit pile.

And on a serious note, instead of wasting another moment thinking about that piece of garbage, I hope everyone takes a moment to remember those who lost their lives in that terrible tragedy, and the families that were left to try and make sense of it all.

James Martin	55	Deceased	October 2, 2002, 6:04 PM	Wheaton, Maryland
James Buchanan	39	Deceased	October 3, 2002, 7:41 AM	Rockville, Maryland
Premkumar Walekar	54	Deceased	October 3, 2002, 8:12 AM	Aspen Hill, Maryland
Sarah Ramos	34	Deceased	October 3, 2002, 8:37 AM	Silver Spring, Maryland
Lori Ann Lewis-Rivera	25	Deceased	October 3, 2002, 9:58 AM	Kensington, Maryland
Pascal Charlot	72	Deceased	October 3, 2002, 9:20 PM	Washington, D.C.
Caroline Seawell	43	Living	October 4, 2002, 2:30 PM	Fredericksburg, Virginia
Iran Brown	13	Living	October 7, 2002, 8:09 AM	Bowie, Maryland
Dean Harold Meyers	53	Deceased	October 9, 2002, 8:18 PM	Manassas, Virginia
Kenneth Bridges	53	Deceased	October 11, 2002, 9:40 AM	Fredericksburg, Virginia
Linda Franklin	47	Deceased	October 14, 2002, 9:19 PM	Falls Church, Virginia
Jeffrey Hopper	37	Living	October 19, 2002, 8:00 PM	Ashland, Virginia
Conrad Johnson	35	Deceased	October 22, 2002, 5:55 AM	Aspen Hill, Maryland

"You Ain't Never Been Chunkin'?"

"You ain't never been squirrelin'? How can you call your self a man, and you ain't never been squirrelin'?"

That question was posed to me, by an individual who had a VERY brief stint as my employee, while he cackled like a hyena at the absurdity of the fact that I had never taken it upon myself to hunt tree rats for sport.

Do you want to know how the rest of the conversation went?
Sure you do.

Me: "Why, what's so great about "squirrelin'"....what do you get out of killing fuckin' squirrels?

Wait for it people.....wait....for....it....

Pudding Brain: "Oh, I don't know....I ain't never been."

While the sheer stupidity of that seems incredibly unbelievable, I assure you, much to my chagrin, it's true. But like I said...I quickly got rid of him.

What else may seem absurd, is that here in Delaware, an annual tradition occurs which is known as "Punkin' Chunkin'".
"Why, whatever is this "Punkin' Chunkin'" you speak of, Joe?"
Fine, you don't have to twist my arm...I'll tell you.

Basically it goes like this....everyone meets on a farm, some of the people have constructed machines that are specifically designed to launch pumpkins across the farm. The person whose machine launches the pumpkin the farthest becomes like...the king of lower Delaware or something.

Awesome, right?

Well, I know you will find this hard to believe, but in all my years in the State, I never felt inclined to go to this gala affair.

Until this year.

This year, I decided I needed to experience the pageantry of it all, because you only live once, right?

First, I think you need to understand, that this wasn't just any old "Punkin' Chunkin'" event that you could just see on any given day, ANYWHERE in America. No, sir...this was the WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP of the sport, as indicated by this...gnome....or moonshine bootlegger or something...


As you can see, this was no joke of any sort.

The problem that I had with the event itself, was that it went on far too long. You would be surprised how many people turn out with their own contraptions to fire pumpkins in the sky.
AND, they spend a SHIT TON of money to make these things. (By the way, this IS worse than fireworks, right? I mean, I've always found something a bit off about guys who love blowing up fireworks once past their teenage years, but this is technically worse than that, right? Or am I way off base here?)

You can see two of the huge air compressor driven cannon turrets in the distance, right past this gentleman who is doing NOTHING out of the ordinary by sitting on a pole with a bike seat attached to it.


Now, I know what you're thinking.
You're thinking that this is some kind of redneck event, right?
That sure, there's a lot of science that goes into making these contraptions, but that there are probably a lot of hillbilly types that enjoy this display.
Well, you couldn't be MORE wrong. There is a great sense of pride at this event. Why everywhere I looked, flags were flying and adorning store fronts.
Don't believe me?
See for your self.....

See?
Told you.

And this is the kind of pride that you can only see at....oh, wait a sec, be back in a minute.

Sir!
Sir!


Sir, your belt seems to be failing you!

Ok, I'm back.
Glad that I could help that man out. I wouldn't want him looking all foolish when in the presence of so many others who are on the cutting edge of fashion at such an event.
Fashionistas and Artisans made their presence known everywhere at the 2009 Chunkin' Championship.
It took everything in me to not buy one of these lovely set of wind chimes...


...But then I realized that I don't have a trailer porch to hang them from, and I made the sad face.
All of my dreams were shattered, of some day sitting on my front porch with no shirt on, drinking cheap beer, while the COPS camera crew arrived just as I was being tackled to the ground by the officers because they refused to believe that "I ain't never meant to stab nobody". And in all the chaos, a faint *clang clang clang* from the wind chimes to settle my nerves, as the dark enveloped me due to my eyes being blinded by pepper spray.

Oh, but the artistic masterpieces didn't stop there!
There was an entire table of things like this one, that I've affectionately dubbed "Sparky the Horse"...see because he's made of spark plu....oh nevermind....you're so cynical!


Someone else enjoyed the fine craftsmanship of Sparky and the other items like him on this particular table's offerings too.
I call him "King Chunkin'", because I believe this one photo encapsulates EVERYTHING "Punkin' Chunkin'".


Confederate Flags.
"Punkin' Flag.
A can of Natural Ice©.
A "Bucket O' Fries".
A huge belt buckle.
A shirt unbuttoned halfway down.
A mohawk.
And "art" made of old automotive parts.

And as one was soaking in all of this Americana...in the distance the live band fronted by who I believe was Pinky Tuscadero, could be heard playing John Cougar Mellencamp favorites....


Does it get any better than that?
No.
No it doesn't.

The strange thing about this whole event, is that it seems no one actually cares who wins.
The Champion was to be crowned somewhere around 4pm, but by 2pm most of the people had left already.
So I was left believing that the crowd only cared about watching the pumpkins launched into the air, but beyond that....funnel cake and corn dogs were more interesting.
Could that possibly be?
NAAAAAHHHHH!

I also learned two things from "The World Punkin' Chunkin' Championship 2009"

1.) Sometimes things are going to be EXACTLY like what you thought they would be.

and

2.) There apparently isn't a black man in the State Of Delaware who cared to watch a pumpkin get fired across a cornfield.

I know right about now, you may be feeling a bit left out....feeling as if you were robbed of your chance to be a part of something magical.
Well do I have news for you!!

The Science Channel was there and filmed the event!
No, it wasn't for an in-depth scientific special series to answer the age old question "What The Fuck Is Wrong With People?"
No, sir!
It was for a special, covering this event, to air THIS upcoming Thanksgiving Night!!!
A WINNER IS YOU!!!!!

Here's the link for the Science Channel's Punkin' Chunkin' Special: Link

You aint' never been Chunkin'?

Technophilia

I recently moved into a new house...and you would think with a new house, you probably want to paint a couple of rooms, or buy some new furniture to fit in better with your new joint. Me? my first purchase was a for my family's new home was a Lutron Maestro remote control dimmer for my family room lighting. And not because I'm too lazy to get up and dim the lights when I watch a movie, I'm not going to lie to you; the only real reason I bought this is because I think it's cool. And every single time I press play on the integrated touch-screen remote control, and the blu-ray spins up, and television goes automatically to the correct input, and the room lights automatically dim, I basically get wood. And then there's the touch screen tablet notebook where I can scroll through all my family photos and edit them like I'm finger painting. Maybe just flip through my netflix queue and tap on the title of the film I want to watch, and just grooving wirelessly and instantly, simply marveling at what can be done now-a-days. Yeah, I have a problem, I know.

Being old enough to easily remember the days before computers and mainstream Internet use, I am just blown away when every one of these new gadgets comes out to the world; I am just friggen amazed at what can be done. As a kid I had a 13-inch black and white TV in my room. It was once the family TV, that was recycled when my parents moved on up to color. Anyway, on a clear night I used to be able to just barely eek out some soft core movies on Prism by fiddling with outer ring of the UHF channel knob. When I compare then to now, it is just astounding how far we've come and how fast it's moved.

Have you seen the Motorola Droid? This latest phone -- and I kind of hate to call it a phone, because it's more like a computer/iPod/camera/game console/GPS/etc/etc than it is a phone -- is just another phenomenal jump in awesomeness. I'm not a professional reviewer, so, you can go somewhere else to read all the cool crap it can do, and there is definitely some cool stuff. In my humble opinion the most amazing thing this phone can do is this: Your kid can be taking a video of you catching a baseball and say, the ball hits you in the nuts. You fall to the ground and start crying like a little girl or Glenn Beck -- your choice in this scenario. This video can be watched by 2000 people including Bob Saget himself, before you compose yourself and get back up to your feet. That there, my friends, is fucking astounding. You might be saying, so what's the big deal, most any phone can do that' -- and that's even more astounding.

By the way, are there any movie rental joints near you anymore? I don't have any idea if there's still a Blockbuster still around. Why would there be, with on demand movies, netflix, etc.? But thinking about it, VCRs came into their own in what, the late 70's early 80's? The video rental stores were huge business through the 80's and 90's. In my old neighborhood there were two video stores parked right next to each other, and they were both always packed and both charging an extra dollar for not rewinding your tapes. And now they're all gone, for the most part at least. Off the top of my head, I can't think of any industry that got so big, so fast, and died even faster (maybe the Dutch tulip bubble of the 1600's). But, I'm afraid that this is a sign of the times for many old school businesses and entire industries. As we moved, I was unpacking a box of my wife's cookbooks; loading them on the shelf it struck me: Why do we even have any cookbooks? We have the Internet. Why do schools even use books anymore instead of Amazon Kindles? Why teach handwriting at all anymore? Even the bluest of the blue-collared workers has to use a computer pad to adjust fuel mixture of his welder, or to perform an analysis of your car's engine, or to order your fries at McDonalds. The only real good reason I can see for handwriting at all, anymore, is to write a Christmas card to your grandmother. I wonder what will be extinct first -- handwriting or newspapers. These are amazing times we're living in.

Below is a kind of cool video illustrating some of the more recent trends.

Please Stop It, People!

This was Bill Cosby from last night's David Letterman...
(Just watch the stand-up part...screw the sit down with Dave.)



Ok...now let's be honest...there was nothing really funny happening there at all.
YET, everyone laughs like hyenas.
Why?
Because he's Bill Cosby.
That's all....that's it.

And I know, I know, he's earned his place. I will be the first to tell you of my love of his performance of "Wardell" in "Uptown Saturday Night", and "Fat Albert" was a staple of my childhood, but this was just painfully unfunny...yet everyone laughs.
You know what it reminds me of?
Robin Williams.

That motherfucker was NEVER funny, and do you know why?
Because no one ever knew what the fuck he was saying!!!
I have people say to me, "Oh, you know who's a great comedian? ROBIN WILLIAMS!"
To which I will say "Really, what's your favorite bit of his?"
Then they look at you like a deer in the headlights.....and say, "Oh come on, he was awesome in Mork & Mindy!"

Really?
Was he?
Oh that's right, he had that HILARIOUS "Na-NOO Na-NOO" and "SHAZBOT!"
I TOTALLY forgot about that!
YOU GOT ME THERE!!!

And finally....Margaret Cho.
So, I'm listening to the Greg Fitzsimmons Podcast, and he has Margaret Cho on.
What do they talk about the entire time?
Her new love of anal sex. She goes into detail about how she walks around with a butt plug all day, and the enemas she gives herself, and how she has an open marriage, and that several men a week are having at her ass now, because she's "retired" her vagina.

Now, maybe it's just me, but can we get passed this whole "I'm so open with my sexuality" thing?
It's not shocking anymore.
It's not interesting anymore.
It's not the 80's anymore, and you aren't breaking new ground in the entertainment industry.

It's fucking played bullshit.

You know who gets turned on by talk like that?
Dude's who aren't having ANY kind of a sex life.
So, if that applies to you...sorry.
Unless you're in my place, and we're about to get down...I don't give a fuck about your sexual laundry list of "Do's & Don'ts".

Cho went on to explain that the entertainment industry never gave her the proper shot she deserved because she's Asian.
No...maybe they just realized that you pretending to be your broken English speaking, Korean mother, yelling at yourself runs out of gas after awhile.
And something tells me you realized that too, since you've now resorted to talking about you getting plowed in the ass, in the hopes of being interesting and provocative.

No, you know what...Margaret wasn't last.
This is Sharon Osbourne trashing Susan Boyle's looks on the Opie And Anthony Show.



And this is Sharon Osbourne before she funneled Ozzy money into plastic surgery...


Hypocrite much?

Ok...this whole Jon Gosselin thing....

Ok, before I start, I just wanted to point out that Nancy Grace looks like Munch from Oddworld, and therefore should NEVER be taken seriously.
Wow...does it feel good to have gotten THAT out of the way!

So, on to the Gosselins...

1.) Fuck Jon.

2.) Fuck Kate.

Those two points...REALLY...are all that should be considered.
BUT, it seems that people just aren't having that, AND, I see a LOT of women who hate Jon Gosselin.
First, I would like you to watch this video, in which Jon Gosselin shows INCREDIBLE restraint, and doesn't stab bug eyed jackalope, Nancy Grace in the neck with a pen repeatedly, until her arterial spray covers everyone on the set AND the cameraman.
I say this because I can't promise you that I would have been able to show the same restraint.



Ok, now let's get a few things out of the way...

First off, do you HONESTLY think that Jon Gosselin ever set out to be a national celebrity? Sure, you can make the argument that he made the decision to be on television...AND bring his family along for the ride, but do you really think in his wildest dreams that he EVER imagined it would have lasted more than one season??
I would have NEVER taken that bet....but as I have learned with Flavor Of Love and Rock Of Love....there is no level too low for you people.
You will accept the lowest levels of "entertainment" and embrace it like it's of your own blood and labor.
So what the fuck do I know?

Point is, Jon Gosselin probably thought "I'll do this show...make some extra cash, and it'll help cover costs for a little while until they pull the plug on it."

Now, I honestly have seen this show twice, and during those two times, I probably watched for 10 minutes each. I really just have no interest in things like this.
BUT, in each viewing I noticed that Jon seemed to despise Kate, and Kate seemed to me like a very demanding woman, who in both of the times I watched, had hired help with the kids. BUT, Jon would work all day, and STILL come home to hear her complaining about things. The look in his eyes said everything about where their marriage was going. BUT, I pick up on stuff like that...maybe you don't.
So when I heard all the rumblings about Jon leaving and banging other broads...I just said to myself "Eh....I'm surprised he lasted this long."

Just like you, however, I have NO IDEA what went on in that house...difference is, I understand that...but I don't think a lot of other people do. I see a lot of people who seem to believe that what they saw was a TRUE indicator of the lives of Jon and Kate Gosselin.
Here's a tip...there generally isn't a whole lot of reality going on in "reality tv."
At the end of the day...you are ALWAYS seeing what they want you to see.
But the look in Jon's eyes...that was real.

Now in the above clip, the pigbeast Nancy Grace chastises Jon for, in my opinion, realizing that everything has gone WAY too far. That his children's lives are playing out for everyone like entertainment, during a time where they really don't need their lives on display.
Nancy clearly can't handle the idea of not having "Jon & Kate Plus 8" on her Tivo season pass anymore, because the idea of him pulling the plug on it all, while their parents are getting divorced, somehow seems to appall Nancy.
SO, she decides FOR Jon, that rather than him do that, he should just go to therapy with Kate. I wonder if Nancy would like the cameras there for that too?
I bet she would.

THEN, when Jon states that HE has been going to therapy, and through the process learned that he bottled too much up, and was too passive about everything (hence what I saw in his eyes), Nancy wants to know why "everything has to be about him?"

AWESOME, Nancy!!!

So, he's an asshole for trying to figure out where HE WENT WRONG.
Get it, you stupid twit?
He's ADMITTING he did wrong...but NOW, he's an asshole for seeing his own flaws!!!
That's brilliant.

SO, Nancy has decided that Jon has NO RIGHT to cancel a show which he no longer feels can have a positive impact on his children.
I mean, it's not like the show has evolved into something it was never meant to be or anything, right?
And these kids are just actors on your favorite show, right?
I mean they couldn't POSSIBLY have to go to school, and get fucking clownhoused about their parent's situation or anything, right?

Nope.
Not according to Nancy.

THEN, Nancy has decided that Jon has NO RIGHT to go to counseling and attempt to become a better man, who handles things as they happen, instead of bottling shit up until it reaches a boiling point, and he...oh I don't know...loses his fucking shit, and starts banging 23 year olds 5 at a time!
I mean afterall, Squiggy never left Lenny, right, Nancy?
And these are just made up characters on your favorite show, just like those guys, right?

And you know what?
If Jon DID return to this show...patch things up with his wife, and in 15 years from now his kids are all fucked up...doing porn...and shooting each other up with heroin, because they can't deal with how their entire lives were on display and their parents never cared.....Nancy would be right there to blame Jon then too.

I wonder if anyone is starting to see that Nancy Grace is complete doucherocket yet?

At the end of the day, Jon Gosselin is a everyday dickbag, just like me.
Just like you.
He didn't set out to be anyone's role model...or one of America's biggest paparazzi targets. He was just an average slob that dropped a little too much baby batter into Kate...then signed on to let the audiences of TLC get to know what it was like to live his life for a little while.

Seriously ask yourself this.....
What if EVERY THING ABOUT YOU was splashed all over the television....every moment...every skeleton in your closet...how great would you look?

So direct your hate where it belongs....at Nancy Grace.