Thank You Easter Monkey

I think this is going to be the last year for the Easter Bunny in my home. I'm ready for a change. We're going outside of the box. We're switching over to the Easter Monkey next year.

See, really what's so unusual about a rabbit hopping past your house on a normal day? It's not uncommon at all. Easter really needs to adopt a more uncommon mascot. Something that would make you say -- "Well I'll be gal damned. Lookee over there Margaret, there's a monkey tossing out candy about that house."

I mean Christmas really got it right. Look they have their magical, super-sized Coca-Cola can sliding down chimneys leaving gifts hand-made by under-aged sweat shop elves, and imported by Wal-Mart. If Easter really wants to make the big-time, and pass Valentines Day and Mothers Day for sales they simply need to revamp their marketing plan. I mean jeez, it's the new economy people. Have you learned nothing? You can't just keep riding on the coat-tails of the status quo. Even the tooth fairy figured this out a long time ago, and is currently turning a nice little profit selling ground up baby teeth as some kind of crazy dick hardening elixir over in Chinatown.

Another big down side to the stupid Easter Bunny thing is: you don't have anything to help instill a little fear into kids with. And everybody knows, for proper discipline, you need a little fear. With Christmas, you can always throw out that lump of coal thing. But with Easter, what's the fear? You may miss out on a few peeps this year? Please, that's a reward to me. If the kid is fucking up anywhere from January to Easter, with the Easter Monkey gimmick, you can always tell the kids: "Keep it up, and when the Easter Monkey gets here, he's going to throw crap at you through the bars of his cage". The threat of shit in the face always gets my kids in line, it's like 100%...seriously, you should try it.

I dig the jellybeans, but that's pretty much where the goodness ends for me, with Easter. I'm really ready to drop the whole colored eggs thing. Another antiquated idea that doesn't work in the modern economy, might as well keep using an abacus over a calculator...Easter really is the water-head of holidays. No shit, we have 36 colored, hard boiled eggs in my fridge right now. I'm not fucken Cool Hand Luke here, what the hell am I going to do with 36 hard boiled eggs? I asked my chick, and her reply was that she was going to make some egg salad. Mmmm, appetizing, green and purple egg salad -- kind of reminds me of when Heinz tried selling that colored ketchup; I just couldn't get past the green on my fries...but I digress. This is where Easter fails miserably. Eggs go along with bunnies as well as, talking about your grandmother in the nursing home during sex. With my plan, the Easter Monkey plan, I'm going to unify the belts. We're going to finally have an Easter snack that matches the mascot. Bananas, of course...remember they're healthy, plenty of potassium and plenty of vitamin C. You can douse a banana in chocolate for a magical fondue desert, split it, add ice cream and you have a fantastic sundae. Have you ever had a banana shake? It really is to die for, simply wonderful. But really, let's bottom line it, what's better floating, solidified in Jello than some banana slices? Nothing, that's what, nothing. By the way, are there any monkeys that eat coconuts, because I really dig coconut in desserts too.

So next time Easter comes a callin', dump this stupid, failed experiment called the Easter Bunny, and bring on the Easter Monkey. He's cute, lovable, and he'll fling shit at your kids if they're fucking around.