Awww...Nuts

Alright, if you were given the choice, where would peanuts fall in the overall status of nuts? For me it would be about middle-class. I mean, Peanuts are cool...they're alright, you can shell them at a ball game to pass the boring time between innings. Or you can feel superior about yourself as the waitress sweeps the discarded shells up from the floor around you at a LoneStar. But me, I'd much prefer an almond, or say a pecan -- cashews are up there too. Aw fuck, I just thought about macadamian nuts -- they're way at the top, up there with vagina. Now, as I type this I realize that peanuts are really at the bottom of my list, with only walnuts trailing behind.

Ok, so we've established that Peanuts are really bottom rung nuts...to bottom line it, they're just low rent nuts. Then why no almond butter? What, do we all think that George Carver is such a genius that his invention can't be improved on? I want some pecan butter, or some pistachio butter. Damn it why is there no macadamian nut butter anywhere? And preferably Gif brand, cause that's my favorite peanut buttter.

We all know that a little veriety is essential for long-term enjoyment of peanut butter sandwiches. We have grape jelly, strawberry and apple jelly. There's preserves, jams and marmalades. Let's not forget about the infamous Elvis sandwich, bringing bananas into the mix. And I'm not even getting into the whole veriety of breads, crackers, rolls and matzos you can roll with this. What's that? You toss in some potato chips in the sandwich from time to time? Yeah, me too.

So now, I think it really is time for change in America! Why worship the peanut, just because your parents did? To hell with the old ways of doing business in America. CHANGE. Barack Obama taught me this. He taught me to have hope. Just because my mom fed me peanut butter, doesn't mean that I'll be eating peanut butter for the rest of my days. I can have almond butter! I can have pecan butter. I can have any butter any way I want it. I have HOPE! I have a dream! Can you smell Barack is cooking? YES WE CAN!

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