So....

I had to get a physical yesterday for my new health insurance coverage.
I hate this kind of shit....I always think I'm going to be that guy that you always hear about, where "he just went in for a simple physical...they found the tumor...and he was dead two weeks later".
This time was even more taxing to my stress levels, because I've been having this "issue". A few weeks back, I began noticing a pain in my...well..."family jewels". Now, logic tells me that it began after I had to unload my truck of some really heavy bundles of wood and that most likely I pulled something, or at worst, have a hernia.
BUT, the "you know YOUR luck" part of my brain immediately kicks in to overdrive.
"BALL CANCER!!!" it says to me in that evil, echoing tone that you hear in commercial voice-overs.
To make matters worse, I know this cat that just found out HE had the ball cancer not too long ago, so now it's more of a "real" thing to me than it may have been at any other point in my life. You know, one of those things that you know is there, but you think it doesn't really happen?

So as I was saying, I went in for a physical yesterday with this Doctor that I've been going to on and off for about 5 years or so. He's a decent enough guy, and that's fine for me. I'm not one of these people that think that their Doctor has to be someone that they think of as family. With me, you just have to not be annoying and have some sort of sense of humor. I could never deal with a Doctor that's serious all the time.

This time however, I noticed that he had someone else with him when I entered the examination room. I thought that it might be some sort of an assistant because she looked very young, but then he introduced HER as "Doctor _______ who will be sitting in on this exam".

Now I was nervous. See, I KNEW there was going to be ball issues here...not that they're usually aren't, it's part of the basic "guy" physical...but this time I would be addressing the issue specifically.
We went through the basics of the physical examination and everything was good, then I began addressing the issue with him. Immediately what I do for a living came up, and was acknowledged as being problematic if there is some sort of injury...after all, everything I do requires some sort of physical strain. So, it was now clear that a thorough examination would be needed to see if there were any signs of a hernia, but I still held out hope that he would ask her to leave at that point or something.

But no.
Instead, the worst case scenario went down.

He looked at me and said "If you don't mind, Doctor _______ will be conducting the hernia examination."

*Pause*
Now, what the fuck do you do here? What exactly is the proper protocol?

Here's a transcript of what immediately went RACING through my mind:
"Dude, he wants the chick to touch on your sack!!! We can't have a strange chick looking at and grabbing our junk, dude!!! Yeah, but dude, if we say no to the chick, then we have to say that we would PREFER for him to do it....focusing on the word "him"....as in another GUY. Yeah but dude, he usually does it. But this time we would be saying that we'd PREFER for another guy to fondle our yambag over a hot young chick. Yeah but dude, your sack is attached to your rig...this chick will be looking at your rig, PLUS, you may look like a perv trying to get a cheap thrill here, dude. But dude, if I say no, I may look sexist and come off as a complete douche. But,dude...But,dude....But,dude....But,dude...DUDE....DUDE!!!...DUDE!!!! akhgfoHDOGNNWEONGONWONGN!!!!!!"

*Un-Pause*

"That will be fine."

What? WHAT?!?!? Did I just say that?
Yes....I did.

So I'm told to drop my pants....I do.
This woman now kneels down in front of me to see if there is any protrusion as she's grabbing my sack. Here's the worst part....I *felt* like I was having shrinkage. I didn't look down to see, because then I would have come off as insanely creepy...but it *felt* like it. I mean can you imagine you're this female doctor kneeling down in front of some strange guy, checking his sack for a hernia, you look up, and there he is looking down at you? Do you know how fucking creepy that is?

So picture it....I'm staring straight ahead, completely uncomfortable with the WHOLE situation as a young female doctor is kneeling in front of me, palming my applesack, while I'm thinking that shrinkage is happening, but I don't want to look down to see for fear of getting caught and looking like a freak.

Fucking awful.

Later that night I was recanting this story to my girlfriend who works in the medical field. She said "Well, at least you didn't get erect...I've had guys get erect when I'm examining them."
I said "Are you insane?!?!? It's WAY more manly to get erect when a chick is touching you than to have shrinkage!!!! This is CRAZY the way you're talking!!!!!"
She said "Oh, so you would rather have gotten erect with this woman?"

Now I knew trouble was coming my way, so using my razor sharp wit I responded with "What does it say on the box to preheat the oven at?"

Seriously though...I fucking HATE being me sometimes. I over analyze EVERYTHING, and I'm never at a moment's peace. I would love to be one of those people who just go with the flow...who don't think about anything or what the "right" way to handle a situation is. The kind of people that just "do" and then let the chips fall where they may. People who didn't think there was anything wrong with purchasing a Hootie And The Blowfish CD, or who list "Me, Myself and Irene" in their Top Ten films list, or who have "Flavor Of Love" set to a Season Pass on their Tivo. (Although I do watch American Idol...hmmmm)
But it must be fucking fantastic, and I don't mean that in a snobbish way, because I certainly don't think of myself as bright in any way. But I'd love to able to enjoy things at face value without looking at them too deeply or needing some sort of resolution to the question of what their value was.

I'd just like to be able to have a young female Doctor grab my bag and not feel like I have to write a blog entry about it to explain what was going through my head.

That does it..."Rock Of Love" here I come!!!