Saying Goodbye To A Shit Decade...For The Most Part.

When I look back over the last ten years, I can't help but think what an absolutely miserable decade it was for the most part. It wasn't just terrible for me personally, but it was basically miserable for us all as a nation.

I think history will remember the early 2000's as "The Decade Of Panic".
We rang in 2000 panicking about the dreaded "Y2K" bug. Remember when we were all going to die because computers would stop understanding clocks?
We all waited breathlessly...."WHAT WILL HAPPEN WHEN THE CLOCK STRIKES MIDNIGHT?!?!?"
Turned out....a whole lotta nuthin' is what happened.

Then during the month of August in the Summer of 2001, we were all going to be eaten by sharks.
Remember that?
The whole nation was in a panic because the news constantly told us how sharks were strangely attacking in record numbers at our beaches.
Hell, I think people in the Mid-West were even looking over the shoulders for sharks, and those motherfuckers don't even have an ocean!

A month later, I would have given anything to have only to had sharks to worry about.

From now, until the day they put me in my grave, I will never forget September 11, 2001.

You wanna know the funny/sad thing about that?
September 11 is my Mother's birthday. Strangely, years before 2001, I was able to forget that day from time to time.....making the "Happy Birthday" call at the end of the day, because my work schedule always had me thinking of other things.
But not now.
Not ever again.
And for me...this decade made Layla take on a whole new meaning.

The names Osama Bin Laden and Al Qaeda became part of our lexicon.

In the years that followed that terrible day, we were CONSTANTLY reminded that the "tersts" (Pres. Bush's pronunciation for "terrorists" not mine) were always plotting to kill us.
We were taught that the colors that we once had to learn in kindergarten, now indicated different levels of our impending doom.
We bought plastic and duct tape to protect us from an impending chemical attack, although all scientific indicators told us they would be absolutely useless if such an attack were ever to actually occur.

We went to war.
And we stayed there.
And we have no idea when we will ever leave.
And somehow, that's become a suitable answer.

We saw Daniel Pearl get beheaded.
We also saw Nick Berg get beheaded, reportedly at the hands of Abu Musab al-Zarqawi.
And we saw Nick's father Michael, call for calm, peace, and forgiveness....something I didn't understand at the time.

Madrid.
London.
Bali.
Mumbai.

Kabul.
Baghdad.
Fallujah.
Tehran.

And our terror alert levels...you know, those colors we talked about, went up and down all the time...JUST to make sure we didn't forget we were about to die.

But Al Qaeda wasn't enough.
We were also under attack from birds, cows, and pigs.
Mad Cow was gonna kill us if we ate steak....but bullocks to them, I LOVE me a filet from Sullivan's!!!
The Swine Flu is probably killing you as you read this...whether you know it or not.
But more importantly, even if you do survive the cow and the pig, The Bird flu is currently mutating to one day cause a pandemic.
Pandemic is a word that become a household item during this decade too.

Oh, did I mention the ice caps are melting?
What about the Mayans saying that we're all fucked in 2012?
YOU ARE GOING TO DIE!!!
Maybe even right now.
If not now...REALLY soon.

It doesn't matter really, because this last decade probably has you broke anyway.
Maybe you've lost your job....or worse, your home....or your business.
Hopefully, nothing really changed for you.....I can't say the same.

In this decade, I watched almost everyone I knew that was married, get divorced....myself included. Through that, and a following relationship, I witnessed how awful and pathetic people can be.

I also learned a few things about how inept AND corrupt police departments can be.
That's something else that will stay with me.
If you disagree with me, it's because you've never been on the receiving end of their bullshit.
Trust me, I used to think like you....ask the "bleeding heart liberals" I used to fight tooth and nail with.

I watched my business, which once kept me busy year round, struggle to maintain any sort of full schedule at all. I've listened to my blue collar brothers echo the same sentiments that I express, and I see the look in their eyes. It's a look of bewilderment and sadness. They're confused...not able to understand what happened.
There's something about men like that...like me....we always took pride in the hard work we did, and we were always ready for more....it's what we did. Talking about our schedules was almost like veterans showing off battle scars.
But now it was gone...and we couldn't go to work anymore.
What do you do, when all you've known for 20 years goes away?

But for us....it's still there...sort of.
There's still a heartbeat, albeit faint.
Many others weren't so fortunate. Factories...companies...simply closed their doors forever.
For some, a lifetime of loyalty was wiped away in the blink of an eye.

But in the tail end of all that mess, I also reconnected with a lot of great people through the magic of Facebook.
I was again goofing with the girl who used to sit with me in art class, and the guy who stole my thunder there! (You WILL pay one day, Cobb!!)
The girl I annoyed the hell out of with my romantic advances during my Southern Comfort haze in the early 90's, was willing to speak to me again, and now I saw her be an amazing mother to her daughter in her life today.
I again had laughs with the crazy curly haired bastard that jumped out of the 2nd floor window in high school, and who now is bringing the Lotus Technique to the masses.
Then...the girl who despite Darren's claims, I never had sex with in my Grand Prix...BUT, she did steal my Queensryche disc for a year or so.
Hell, I even reconnected with someone I hadn't seen since I was around 7, and we were both able to have a laugh or two about this cat Walter that we knew back then.

All of those people mean a lot to me. I believe that everyone you ever spent time with, is a part of your fabric...that they in whatever way, comprise who you are as a human being.
So I'm happy that I get to see them again...who they are....what they do...and their children.

And I met new people....and have had some GREAT times with them all...even that creepy fucker, Dan, and that Haus Frau, Stephanie.
HA!

I became friends with Reverend Bob Levy from the Howard Stern Show during this decade, through him, met Artie Lange (On the night of the now infamous Delaware show), High Pitch Eric, Beetlejuice, Joey Boots, Jim Florentine, Twitchels, Shuli, Sal Governale, Richard Christie, Dan The Song Parody Man, Fred The Elephant Boy, Kenneth Keith Kallenbach, Ms. Amputee, Angry Black (Shelly is cool as shit, I don't care WHAT you fucks say), Jim Norton, and The Blue Meanie from E.C. FUCKIN' W.!
Oh, and superstar Chris McDevitt.

I have had some of the biggest laughs of my life during these times, and the days of Bob's website.

I also found myself in a new relationship during the later part of this year.
And for the first time in a really long time, maybe ever, I think I know what it means to have someone that is completely selfless. Someone who considers other people, as much as they consider them self....and sometimes even more so. No games...No lies....no shady bullshit....just simplicity and kindness, and it couldn't have come at a better time in my life.

Through it all....I'm a VERY lucky guy.

But that said, there was a lot in this decade that I can't wait to wash away....events, things, and people that I hope to soon forget.
At the same time, I hope those people have learned lessons through all of this....and I hope they improve. I hope they learn what's truly important in life, and grow up...for lack of a better term.
Because every time you focus energy on evil and negativity....you lose.
Period.

In closing, it just seems that people have felt an incredible amount of stress and pain in this last decade....let tomorrow night be the end of that.

Let's start it all over...correctly...in 2010.

The Princess And The Frog

I grew up LOVING Disney Animation.

In fact, before I decided to just be a failure who never realized his dreams, I always wanted to work for the Disney Animation Department.

There was just something about that particular company that appealed to me. Their films always conjured up happy imagery to me, and even now when I watch one of the old films, the nostalgic wave is amazing. It just reminds me of a happier time or something, and I assume that it does that same for everyone else.

And THAT, is why I always wanted to be part of their magic.

The company faltered during the 1980's with a slew of less than stellar stories like "Oliver And Company" and "The Black Cauldron", but then enjoyed a rebirth with 1991's "The Little Mermaid".

After their 1991 success, the train kept rolling with hits like "Beauty And The Beast", "The Lion King" and "Aladdin".

But, once again Disney began to falter. Terrible theatrical releases like "Atlantis", "Treasure Planet", and "Home On The Range", and straight to video sequels to their biggest hits severely tarnished their legacy.

"Cinderella 3: Godmother With A Vengeance" anyone?

Ok, I exaggerated the title a bit, but with the rape that was taking place, it might as well have been named that. Besides, at least THAT would have at least been interesting.

All of these decisions were made under the watch of Michael Eisner, including eventually CLOSING the Disney Animation Department.

Brilliant, no?

I mean, I guess I should mention that there was also a strong belief that traditional hand drawn animation was no longer desired by the masses after the releases of things like the Pixar films and Shrek......BUT, under Eisner's watch, the Disney/Pixar deal also collapsed, leaving Disney completely tossing around in the wind.

Fast forward to today.

The Disney/Pixar deal is back in place, and the Disney Animation Department is up and running again, AND they have released a brand new 2D animated feature film "The Princess And The Frog".

I am very happy to say, that Disney Animation is back!

This film was everything you remember about the good ole' days of Disney Animation...interesting characters...interesting plot....solid music, and brilliant animation.

The backdrop was Jazz Era New Orleans and everything that comes with it.

Cajun food, Cajun people, and a dark Voodoo priest set the tone, as Tiana tried to fullfill her hard working Father's dream of her one day owning her own restaurant, in a time when black people were not afforded such opportunities in America.

Everything is derailed after she tries to help a prince who has been turned into a frog by the Voodoo priest "Shadow Man". Tiana herself becomes a frog, and the two begin a journey, with the help of a trumpet playing alligator and a creole firefly, to Mama Odie's house in the bayou, in hopes that she will be able to help them.

I highly recommend this to anyone with children, or to jabronies like me who grew up on this stuff. It was awesome to see Disney back doing what they do best, and who knows if we'll see this happen again.

God Bless The Iranian Resistance!

This is raw video of the Iranian Resistance saving two men who were being hanged for protesting.
It's hard to imagine the feeling of elation that the two who were to be executed must have felt when they realized they were being saved.
To be standing on the back of the truck, knowing that as soon as they pulled away, your life would end...and then being saved by your brothers in arms, so to speak.

But more importantly, this short video shows two diametrically opposed types of human beings.
On one hand, you have the individuals who are willing to callously end the lives of two people for simply expressing their points of view about a government that is clearly willing to commit acts of murder in broad daylight, to maintain it's position of power.

On the other, you have a group of people so concerned for the lives of two people, that they would risk their own lives in order to save them.

Unfortunately, here in America, a lot of people will view this video and think, "Eh, they're all animals over there.", or worse yet, lose interest once the hanging is interrupted.

But I think the video captures how amazing people can be sometimes.

Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab's Red Line.

I want to start new law....
If your name looks like an alphabetical traffic accident, you MUST be heavily screened at the airport.
How's that sound?
No?
Why?

Let's take a look then...

Marwan Al-Shehhi
Fayez Ahmed
Mohald Alshehri
Hamza Alghamdi
Ahmed Alghamdi
Waleed M Alshehri
Wail Alshehri
Mohamed Atta
Abdulaziz Alomari
Satam Al Suqami
Khalid Al-Midhar
Majed Moqed
Nawaq Alhamzi
Salem Alhamzi
Hani Hanjour
Ahmed Alhaznawi
Ahmed Alnami
Ziad Jarrahi
Saeed Alghamdi
Abdelbaset Ali Mohmed al-Megrahi
Al Amin Khalifa Fhimah.

BETTER YET, (and this is something I just learned compiling this list)...
If your name appears with a red underline as a result of a spell check program, you need to be HEAVILY screened.
Put me in charge of Homeland Security!!!!
In five minutes, I have found a more effective form of passenger screening than what is currently in place.

Doubt me?
Well put this in your bong and smoke it....all of the names above would have been red flagged under my "Red Line? You're Fucked" policy, AND thus would have prevented the most recent incident with Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, ALL of the September 11, 2001 terror attacks, AND the bombing of Pan Am Flight 103.

And here's another added bonus for you spineless, politically correct, bitchsissies.....it's not "Profiling" it's "Spellfiling", and there is NO WAY to argue with Spellfiling. It's not the person picking and choosing, it's the Spell Check program that's the bad guy!

SEE?

This leaves you able to feel good about yourself while you drive your Prius and listen to the latest Jason Mraz disc, as your triple shot soy latte spills onto your cockandballs.
But don't worry, your boyfriend will kiss it and make it better later tonight while you watch your DVR'd episode of "Glee".

See for me, it's not a problem, but I'm not like you. If I were running Homeland Security, my policies would be so insane, that motherfuckers would think The Fourth Reich had begun...and yup, I did just say that.
OH GAWD, THE HORROR!!

You know what's funny about some of you?
You find more awfulness in that statement, than you do at the idea of Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab trying to detonate shit on his flight.

See, I wouldn't be hearing about what's fair and what's right. I'm trying to make sure you get your little angels on "It's A Small World", not "Mr. Abdulamakademijerhammud's Wild (And Final) Ride".
Me and you are tight like that, America!

So as soon as anyone started complaining how it wasn't fair, I would point to this sign...

And JUST as they got to the word "getting"....**ZAP**POW**!!!!
See how I would get down with this shit??
You don't have to say it out loud, but I know it makes you all warm and fuzzy inside....like when Ross and Rachel finally got back together.
(I still can't believe you fuckers watched that shit.)

Now the rest of you may think I'm sounding a little crazy, but here's the best part about Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab....he was on a U.S. Government watch list of people suspected with terrorist ties, AND his own father had placed calls saying he believed his son was going to attempt something soon.
Isn't that spectacular? (When you read that question, do it in Paul Lynde's voice)

SO, even though he was already HIGHLY "suspect", he STILL was able to not only get on a plane, but do so WITH explosives.
How's that upcoming flight to Paris treating you right now?

When will people start realizing that I should run this shit.....and start sending me your money?

The "Red Line? You're Fucked!" Facebook Group!

Brittany Murphy Dead At 32

Cardiac Arrest.
Age 32.
You do the math.

Maybe I'm being a complete cynical asshole before we know the facts, but I think we've seen this too many times before, to not know where the smart money is.
I'll refrain from any further comments, but as someone who has been drug free all of their life, I'll NEVER understand people who piss their lives away for that shit.

Maybe I'll have to apologize for my comments when the autopsy comes back...maybe she'll have had some congenital heart disease that went unnoticed, but I doubt it.

Avatar

You have no doubt heard about this movie for a long time, right?
You heard that this was going to bring forth a new era in cinema and that film would never be the same after this. After all, it's the film that James Cameron has been working on ever since he rocked the theatrical world with 1997's "Titanic".
"Jack!.....Jack!"
You know what, screw that uppity ass hooker, Rose! She let him freeze to death in that water.
Did you see the size of that door she was floating on??
You mean to tell me that she couldn't have let him get a piece of that?
The whole affair sickens me.

But we're here to talk about Avatar....so let's do that.

Let's get this out of the way right now....Avatar IS everything you've ever heard it would be.
It's a cinematic experience that you have never had before, and it's EASILY that most visually stunning film you have ever seen.
Yup, I AM telling you what you think, because I KNOW that you have never seen anything even remotely close to the visual majesty of this film. Don't even waste anyone's time trying to argue.

What's that?
Yes, wiseass, I WOULD blow this film's visuals if I could.
They DESERVE to be blown....and it deserves for ME to blow it, because I put more effort into things than you do.

But here's the thing about all the praise I've just showered this movie with....if you don't see Avatar in 3D....you didn't see Avatar.
Everything....yes, EVERYTHING, is layered in it's own dimension.
Foreground blades of grass....characters....backgrounds...weapons....subtitles.....
hell, I even think a blue tit had it's own dimension.
The colors are so vivid, and the landscape so rich and lush, that at times you feel as if you're staring out of a window.
And the mapping process that Cameron used on the actors to change them into the blue Na'vi race, gave an all new realism to what you've come to know in traditional CGI characters.
Facial expressions, down the eye emotion, are SPOT ON. You get lost in the world of Pandora, and forget that you're immersed in a completely artificial environment.
It's truly amazing in every sense of the word.

And again, I implore you, see this in the theater...in 3D.
Don't rob yourself of this experience, because I don't see how it will be replicated in the home.

From a storyline standpoint, Avatar is nothing you haven't seen before, and that is where I feel the film fell short. Not that it's a complete ripoff of other films, as certain plot points are very original, but the overall storyline has been done a million times.
Had this had an amazing storyline to compliment the visuals, I believe it would have been the highest grossing film of all time.

But despite all of my minor gripe with the plot, this is an amazing film, and will easily serve as a benchmark for a long time to come.

Go see it, because as captivating as Jersey Shore is, it's not quite in the same league.

About Stories

I watched the final episode of this season's Dexter, with mixed emotions. For those who watch it, you might know what I mean. For those who don't here's a very quick synopsis of Dexter: The Dexter character is a serial killer, who also moonlights as a CSI type guy -- a blood spatter expert working for Miami Metro Police. His character has been interesting because of the duel roles -- the dichotomy, the yin and the yang...And the story follows as you'd expect, he kills his victims all the while maintaining a family life, and a job, and loose friendships. As I'm writing this, it very well might have some metaphorical relationship to addiction; I'll have to think more on that.

Anyway the character has always been the hero of the show, the protagonist, the good guy because he only killed those, who we all (the audience), deemed deserved to die. He killed other murderers, rapists, and the like. He was our favorite vigilante, doling out the justice that a stint in prison didn't seem to cover well enough.

My real problem happened as Dexter killed an innocent man, earlier in the season. He ritualistically murdered a man whom he thought was a killer, as well. But, much like John McCain, Dexter hadn't properly vetted his candidate. How are we to see Dexter as the hero of the show anymore? How can this show continue with the same vibe as good guy Dexter cleaning up the scum that our justice system doesn't seem to handle properly? He's now just another low life in my eyes, and I don't think I could get past it this season.

And that's the bottom line to my rambling, I guess is that it's all about the character. Dexter was such a strong character in my mind, until they tainted him. Did it take away from his character? Yes. Did this change in the story of Dexter change him in such a way that he could never overcome? Yes. I mean, if Dorothy had knifed the Wizard in the back and jacked his balloon for a ride back to Kansas, you couldn't look at her the same way.

Another great character of this year was Hans Landa of Inglorious Basterds. He was evil, sneaky, conniving, all the while incredibly smart and intuitive. I'd say my favorite story character of the year, at least. Now, I'm so impressed with that character, I ask: what could Tarantino do to ruin that character for me? The only answer I have is for him to step out of character -- and that's what I feel has happened to the Dexter characters. Hans Landa described himself to a "T" in the opening scene of the film as a rat, doing whatever he needs to, to survive -- and he was a slimy rat throughout. With Dexter though, I don't know how to define him anymore. He's lost his goodguyness, he's become his own anti-Christ through his failures, and through his new emotional connections -- that his character used to be incapable of. Dexter was emotionless. Dexter was cold and unfeeling. Dexter was fun. Dexter has run his course.

Dexter And Californication...To Be Continued?

SPOILERS AHEAD....GO AWAY NOW!!!

First off, YES, I know they'll continue with both shows, but I'm kinda hoping the next year is the last for each.

First let's get to Dexter.
I want to say before anything else, that I LOVED the season finale of Dexter...mostly because I HATED the character of Rita. If you recall back to the first season, Dexter specifically chose Rita as a partner because she was damaged, and didn't require the usual maintenance that you wimmens require.
She was mousy, didn't want sex, didn't ask questions.
All of those things fit the needs of a serial killer who needed to *look* normal to other people.

But then, her character became something that resembled the rest of you, bellyaching, "what have you done for me lately?", menaces, that there is NO WAY a serial killer would continue to deal with. Think about it....her character could evolve...but an emotionally void, killing machine could NOT. If he could, then he would defy the very nature of a serial killer. His unalterable pathology would be...well...altered.
Dexter's uncontrollable internal drive would forbid him from continuing the relationship if it detracted from his killing time.

So, good riddance, Rita.

What was truly spectacular about the ending was Trinity's acceptance of his fate. His instructions and life lessons to Dexter....the way he found absurdity in Dexter's suggestion that they were somehow different, and the haunting visual of him watching the toy train go by, and singing along with "Venus" as Dexter was about to bring the claw end of a framing hammer down into his face.
All while KNOWING what he had done, and what Dexter didn't yet know.
And even the murder of Rita, that fact that you didn't see it happen, brought it home more.
You're left imagining what he said to her as they lay in the bathtub together...if he explained that this was all happening BECAUSE of Dexter, as her life drained into the warm bathwater?

That was brilliant stuff.

BUT, my problem with it all, is that I feel overall the show has run it's course.
I find the repeated premise of the show to be bordering on absurd at this point. I mean, how many serial killers ARE in the Miami area?
Is it like some sort of a magnet for them all?
It just seems silly at this point.

But I'm sure you disagree with me.


Again with Californication....fantastic ending.
The idea that JUST as Hank was going to have the life he seemingly wants so badly, it gets ripped away from him, was awesome.
But the build is what set it off.
Beginning with his daughter's revelation to him during their walk, that she had sex for the first time and wanted to tell him first. His daughter wanted him to know that even through all the crazy things that had happened, he hadn't ruined her, and that somehow she clearly felt more bonded to HIM as a result.

Then, after speaking with Mia and her manager, Hank realized there was no other way but to tell Karen about Mia....the audio of their voices cut out, and Elton John's "Rocket Man" began to play....calling back to last season when they would use My Morning Jacket's cover of "Rocket Man" whenever Hank would do something that would throw a monkey wrench into his life with Karen.

The scene was very powerful, with Karen's eyes welling up with tears, and her eventually physically lashing out at Hank.
BUT, what brought it home was when his daughter saw her father being put into a police car, her attempt to run to him, and her mother holding her back. Her loyalty STILL lying with her father, even though he once again caused the foundation of her life to crumble.

Hank had destroyed everything again, just as he was finally ready to put his demons behind him once and for all.

Now, I LOVE Californication.
It's one of my favorite shows of all time, and the Hank Moody character is the quintessential whiskey swilling, entering a room with swagger, ladies man, that every red blooded American male should thank God has come along in serial television.

BUT....

Where do we go from here?
Do we begin again with Hank buried in the booze and the vagina, and watch him try to rebuild his life?
Is that really gonna cut it again? Seriously, how many times will that storyline suffice?
At what point will WE finally have enough of him being a fuck up, and want to turn him off?

The thing I'm noticing about the Premium Channel original programs, is that they have a short shelf life. Look back at The Sopranos....after Season 3, EVERYTHING was shit.
Oh stop, you know I'm right.
Is it the whole theory about the brightest flames burning out the quickest, that we're seeing here?
Don't get me wrong....I'll watch again....especially Californication.
I can't give up on Hank yet....picture Jake Gyllenhal saying "I just wish I could quit you!" to Heath Ledger in "Brokeback Mountain"....except I don't want to gay Hank Moody....ever.....not even after a few cocktails, or a towel snapping incident that went a little too far.

It's just that I feel like we've already seen everything these shows have to offer, and I'm a huge believer in ending something when it's still good, before you run it into the ground.

Maybe it's just me.

What's Wrong With You, America.

Every once in a while, a SHINING example of what's wrong with America comes smashing through the rest of the crowd, and sets the bar for illustrating everything that's wrong with people today.

On this outing, I give you "Mother Of The Year 2009"

If you just looked at this picture, and thought "Duh...what's the big deal?"....please blow your fucking brains out as soon as possible.

Friendster Looks To Compete With Facebook By Becoming MySpace?

I don't know about you, but that looks just like MySpace to me.
And since people have left MySpace in droves for Facebook, I don't know how this helps...BUT, there are probably a bunch of people that are looking for something a little different at this point, and that's what Friendster seems to be banking on.

The HUGE problem that Friendster is facing is that Facebook recently hit 350 Milllion registered global users...is that insane or what?
That's basically saying that the entire population of America is on Facebook. In fact, there are more people playing Farmville on Facebook, than there are registered users on Twitter.
I never really got into Twitter anyway.

The layout looks very similar to Facebook, except that you will be able to have customizable backgrounds....like MySpace.
OH, and if the video is any indication, being Asian is a pre-requisite to signing up.
All other ethnicities can fuck off.

The new Friendster launches tomorrow, but I'm gonna go register Joey Huang now, just in case it does become the next big thing....I'm VERY trendy.

Link to Friendster

Poor Tiger Woods.

While you all sit waiting for Tiger to confess about his extra-marital activities, *I* have learned what REALLY happened between Tiger and his "wife".
It turns out, Tiger Woods was forced by the Illuminati, into helping Michael Jackson scam millions in insurance money, by faking his own death.
Oh, and he's having a queermosexual affair with him too.
NTTATWWT.

See, YOU have all been fooled by a bottle of peroxide...but not me!
You can't pull the wool over my eyes, Tiger!!

Want proof?
FINE!!!


Tell me that's not Michael Jackson!!!!!
I dare you!!

AND, just look at Tiger's face....

"Why the hell did I get myself involved with this shit?"
"I ain't even attracted to this motherfucker."
"I need to CHEAT!"

So, as you can see, Tiger didn't cheat on his wife, he cheated on Michael Jackson.
And who WOULDN'T cheat on Michael Jackson??

On behalf of all of America, I apologize to you Mr. Woods.

You're Dead, But Your Ass Looks GREAT!

See that chick up there?
That's Solange Magnano, former Miss Argentina.
She's dead today.

Wanna know why?
Because she wanted her ass to look better, so she went under the knife to have gluteoplasty.
Various online definitions describe a gluteoplasty as a procedure to either lift the buttocks, or to enlarge the posterior by inserting synthetic implants.

THIS, people....THIS is what's wrong with you today.
Are you seriously so caught up in appearance, that you will risk everything to have a nice ass?
Seriously think about this....she is dead now, because of her ass.
How stupid would you feel in the afterlife?
AND, if you believe in God, he SERIOUSLY frowns upon shit like this.
Remember the Seven Deadly Sins?

To quote Al Pacino as Satan in "The Devil's Advocate".....
"Vanity.....that's my favorite sin."

JUST....BE....YOU.
To quote Pastor Gino Jennings..."What's wrong with the way GAWD made ya?!?!?"

Wimmens....just be hot in your own way.
There's some man out there who LOVES the way you look.
It's not me of course, because you simply aren't up to snuff for a man of my distinguished character.

But somewhere out there, there's a guy who pronounces Filet Mignon as "Fill it Mig Non", has on an "I Put Ketchup On My Ketchup" t-shirt, and is eating Cheeze Balls out of the can in his underwear, who would worship the ground you walk on.

Again, it's not me though.

But back to my original point....there are twins who are without a mother today.
Well played, stupid.

Tales Of Absinthe, Gay Karaoke, And A Full Body Massage.

Man, that just sounds NASTY, doesn't it?
It's not that bad, I swear.

This past weekend...right after Thanksgiving dinner in fact, I went with my girlfriend to spend four days in Bethany Beach, DE.
I was really up for the whole "nothing to do, no where to be" schedule of things, because even when you're home and things are that same way, it doesn't FEEL like it.
You know what I mean?

These four days were the closest a man has ever been to actually being one of the girls on Sex And The City, while being completely heterosexual.
Or at least as far as *I* have ever been.

What?
NO, I am NOT a fruitbooty, wimmens!!!!
Don't believe me?
Bring yourself over here, and see how I handles my bidness!
You ever been duct taped while "Danke Schoen" from Wayne Newton plays in the dark, and all you can see is the spark from when I touch the two cables together that are hooked to the car battery?

Um...
Nevermind.


Anyway, during the course of my excursions around the beach on Friday, I came across a store that was selling Lucid Absinthe. Now, I have always wanted to try Absinthe, aka The Green Fairy, and since the ban on it in America was finally lifted a little while ago, I figured these four days of nothingness were the perfect time to do so.

Now, Absinthe has more of a legendary folklore to it than any other drink I can think of, and the list of people who were known to love the drink doesn't hurt it's lure to an idiot like me either.

Charles Baudelaire, Vincent Van Gogh, Oscar Wilde, Aleister Crowley were all notorious 'bad men' of the late 19th and early 20th Century that loved Absinthe and the drink has been linked to may other bizarrely creative types also.

So, I needed to see what all the fuss was about.....and I got my bottle of Lucid.

That up there....that's how it's done.
You drip ice cold water on to sugar cubes...that falls into the green concoction, and it turns cloudy white.
Here's is what I can tell you about my experience...
You will be completely fucked up in a matter of no time.
Two shots is really all you should need.
I would imagine that if you had more than two servings of The Green Fairy, you would be a complete and utter mess.
Despite the legend of it being a psychoactive drug, I did NOT experience anything of the sort.
I did however, feel it course through my body after the first few sips.
The warm drunk feeling rushes over you almost instantly.
As far as alcohol goes...this is NO entry level shit.

Highly recommended.

Now, what else can one do with oneself on a relaxing weekend?
Get a massage!

I had NEVER been to a professional masseuse in my life, and didn't plan on ever being to one, but my girlfriend decided to surprise me with a reservation to one Saturday morning.
I'm still not sure how I feel about this.
While I really felt great afterward, I felt really strange having some young woman that I never met before rubbing all over me.

How do you guys go to prostitutes???
I mean, I felt weird enough having some woman just rubbing on me...I can't imagine paying her to do crazy shit like THAT. I mean, paying to kill American tourists in German hostels is one thing...they are touching you....but having sex with a strange woman for cash is weird to me.

Oh, don't try to play it off...you look JUST LIKE the type of cat who trolls around for hookers.

After the massage, I went shopping.
This is where the Sex And The City part starts to come in.

I went to the Guess store, because I dress like I should be hanging out somewhere other than Delaware, but I LOOK like I'm from Delaware...lower Delaware....where they "Punkin' Chunk".

Anyway, I was looking at this red button down.
My girlfriend said "That's an awesome looking shirt...I think you would look really good in it."
I said "I don't know...that's a pretty bold statement."
She said "Yeah, but you always wear wacky shit....you should get it."
Then, the salesman came over...he was clearly living an alternative lifestyle and he said...
"The color is Cranberry, and it IS a bold statement, but at the same time, not so bold that it's garish."

"Garish" is not a word that is in my lexicon.
Shall we?

Main Entry: gar·ish

Pronunciation: \ˈger-ish\

Function: adjective

Etymology: origin unknown

Date: 1545

1 : clothed in vivid colors
2 a : excessively or disturbingly vivid b : offensively or distressingly bright : glaring
3 : tastelessly showy : flashy

Ok, I can dig that....he's right now that I think about it.
It isn't garish at all.
So, I bought that and this other black one with crazy shit on the shoulders.
I SOOOO look better than you when I'm out.

Now how else do you finish off a weekend in the Rehoboth Beach, DE area, but at Gay Karaoke.
Actually I don't know if that's how you do it, it's just how the girlfriend decided we would do it, and as I said, I was in a very relaxed, passive mood...so off we went.

We went to "The Purple Parrot", and I had a blast.
Ok, let's get this out of the way...because it cracked me the hell up when we pulled up to the place...
As we were parking, you could hear someone inside performing "It's Raining Men".
I know that sounds COMPLETELY cliche', but I assure you it's true. I laughed like a hyena.
This was not like the normal karaoke I was used to...these people took pride in their performance!!! AND, most of them could really sing...except for this one transvestite name "Amanda Cruise"...as I am told, Amanda is spelled "A Man DUH!" by this individual. Amanda looked just like a blond Howard Stern, had the same deep toned voice to match.
There was also another one there who looked absolutely terrible. His makeup was bad, and his wig had a TERRIBLE hairline, and his skirt was WAY too short, and from time to time, his pantyhose covered ass would be hanging out.
I would think if one is inclined to do that, they would put a little time into their craft.
Shame on him!!!!

In closing, I spent an entire weekend doing things completely out of my norm.
And I had a blast.
You should try it sometime too.

A Small Public Service Announcement

I've traveled much of the world and much of the country and this I've learned: If your local restaurant has a Philly Cheesesteak on the menu. Don't order it; it sucks. I guess it goes back to the old joke: what do they call chinese food in China? Food. And that's the thing, it's just a cheesesteak. The word "Philly" in front of it is code for 'don't bother, it's dogshit'. That is all.

The Creepiest Song of All Time

I like to try to play guitar. I regularly strap on my guitar, put my iPod on shuffle and play along whatever song comes up. Now Joe has written before about the dangers of shuffling your iPod; I know and understand this fact all too well. But I like to stay well rounded musically. I keep a lot of crap on my iPod that may very well not be a song that I especially like; I more or less keep it around for variety and fun.

So I'm jamming along rocking out, and I come to Dr. Hook's Sharing the Night. It's light enough, easy chords, I remember most of the words from my childhood. But as I'm listening and playing along...oh yeah, all right...I start to really get skeeved out by this rape song. In my mental image, it starts out with this 70's cat, sitting there at a bar -- with his John Oats mustache and medallion, collared shirt opened showing his hairy chest. He's chatting up this broad with Farrah Fawcett hair and he says: Are you lonely? Yeah me too. Let's share the night -- code words for I have candy, let's fuck. Oh yeah, alright.

Now I have no problem with a one night stand, but that's not even what this song is suggesting. If I come on too strong, I hope that you will understand, cause I'd like to know if your lonely as I am. That's got to be the most desperate line I've ever heard. Now a fella with this little game has got to be a rapist, otherwise he'd never get laid. Continuing on: Oh yeah, all right...Cause I like feeling like I do, and I see in your eyes you're liking it too.. Do I need to say anything more? The next line in the story goes:

Uhm, Your Honor, I swear she liked it. I saw it in her eyes. Well no, she couldn't speak with the gag in her mouth, but I know she liked it too. Oh yeah, alright.

I feel like I need a shower after listening to this song. I'm going back to Brandy, because all the sailors say she's a fine girl. Man, the 70's were creepy.

Precious (2009)

"Wow.
That was really fucking INSANE."

There.
That was the best way I could encapsulate how I felt after walking out of the theater tonight.
This is the most hardcore life experience film I think I have ever seen.
It was so amazing in fact, I don't even know where to begin.

So let's start with some background. The film was based on the novel "Push" by Sapphire.
Now, you are probably asking "Joe, what the fuck is a Sapphire???"
Well, I'll tell you....
Sapphire was born Ramona Lofton, but took the name Sapphire because of its association at one time in African-American culture with the image of a "belligerent black woman", during her days as a poet. She wrote poetry books, but as it stands, "Push" is her only novel.

See, you learned something.
Seriously...if the comes up around the office, you can spout off now like you're in the know.
You owe me a Jack and Coke.

The plot revolves around Clareece "Precious" Jones....or more importantly, what revolves around her.
No, I don't mean that in a planetary orbit kind of way because she's a large girl, although I must admit, that was pretty badass of me in the most unintentional of ways.
More to the point, I mean that Precious has horrendously terrible things happen to her throughout the course of her life. More than any one girl should ever have to endure.

How terrible you ask?
Well, let's start here....as the film begins, Precious is currently pregnant with her second child...by her Father.
And how does her Mother feel about all this?
Well, she thinks Precious is a whore who stole her man, and is PISSED that he only gave her one child...but gave Precious two. Precious is such a greedy bitch.
But all that doesn't stop ole' Mom from using Precious for her sexual needs too.

Fucked enough for you yet?
If it isn't, I want you to go away from my blog and never come back.
I'm sure Chris Matthews is waiting to spring his trap on you soon anyway, so what say we just go our separate ways now....cool?

Here's the thing that I found stunning about this movie....not only is the story compelling, but the acting is SO on point, that if feels like a documentary at times. It's literally amazing how you can get so lost in the performances.

And Mo'Nique....HOLY....SHIT.
If the final scene ALONE, with her, Mariah Carey and Gabourey Sidibe doesn't win her an Oscar....then the Oscars have NO merit.
THAT, was fucking stunning work.

Now, I'm gonna leave you with the trailer which fails miserably to convey the power of this movie. When you watch it, it will come off as just another "inner city black person attempts to make good" film.
You know what I mean, there are a million of them now...they are designed to make everyone feel good.
But I can't say "Precious" left me feeling good....it left me realizing that for some people, there isn't a happy ending, but they keep forging ahead anyway.
That sure, you may not EVER get a decent break, but you can always *try* to do right by you, and those around you....because if you fail at that, then what and where are you when the smoke clears?

Oh, and on a side note....a special "thank you" to all the Sistas in the theater who made this so much more of an amazing theatrical experience.
Without the shouts of "Oh HELL NO.....no he dint!", and all the "MMMM HMMM"s it just won't be the same watching at home.
That's the kind of stuff that puts a smile on my face about all of us.

As I promised....the trailer....

New Moon (2009)

I hate "Twilight".
I think Stephanie Meyer is THEE most piss poor writer to ever build a dynasty.

There, that's a good starting point.
And to further illustrate the way I feel, here's my review of "Twilight" from last year:
Twilight Review

Tonight, I was brought to see the second installment of the four part story, "New Moon".
And I didn't entirely dislike it.
Now, I'm not a fan by any stretch of the imagination now, and I do have several gripes with the story, but it was passable from a Twi-Tard hater's perspective.

For starters, "New Moon" showed me EXACTLY what it is that I hate about this story.
Edward Cullen.

Seriously, that character is total shit.
I stated in the "Twilight" review, that I believed him to be a 90210, "Dylan McKay" type of character, and I think I still stand by that. His whispery, angst driven bullshit really ruins the story for me. I mean, I can watch a chick flick....I can buy into an overly sensitive character going after the woman he loves...but this guy is just terrible.

Thankfully, his screen time in this latest edition is minimal.
Instead, this story focuses on Jacob Black's involvement with the Bella Swan character.
Once again, Bella is batting a thousand with the men, because Jacob is a Werewolf.
I hear in the next film, Bella blows Frankenstein's monster behind a Dairy Queen, so that should be pretty interesting.

Now, what I noticed about this story, was that without Edward around, things seemed more alive. And while one COULD suggest that it was cinematic symbolism based upon Edward's character being living dead, I would say that you would be giving this particular film FAR too much credit.
The entire story of Jacob's interaction with Bella, and his coming of age as a Werewolf, wasn't anything groundbreaking, but it was solid enough. It moved well, and with Bella and Jacob, you could feel a decent chemistry. Not to mention, the scenes where Jacob and his wolf pack are hunting the vampire Victoria, added more action alone, than the entire "Twilight" story ever did. And THAT is one of my biggest gripes with this story....if you're gonna make it about vampires and werewolves, give me a little more than some teen angst and a prom!

Far too soon for my liking, however, Edward was back in the film.
And what was he doing?
Plotting to kill himself.

It kinda went like this:

"Bellyache....bellyache....without Bella I don't want to live....bellyache....whine....tormented face....sad face...bellyache....blow a guy in the bushes....bellyache."

Much like a real vampire, he sucks the life blood out of every scene he's in.
So for me, it's clear that he is the Suckberg that sinks the Titanic. (See how I made up a shitty word right there, to tie the romance movie thing together?)

SO, I talked insane amounts of shit on this movie before I ever saw it, but in the end, it wasn't that bad. It was certainly better than "Twilight", but that's not saying much at all.
It's kinda like saying Lethal Weapon 4 was better than 3....neither was good, but there is an order to things.

So, while I wouldn't tell anyone to see this, I will say this...
If you hate this story and you are dreading the idea of having to see this with someone, don't worry so much. The Werewolf stuff is solid....although I wasn't really cool with them walking around shirtless all the time....and well, Edward is still a douche, but you already knew that, right?
Vampires are supposed to suck....and he does....just not the right way.

Who Has An Office In A Men's Room?

Today I made a throw away comment about Fonzie having his "office" in the men's room at Arnold's, and then I got to thinking....what the FUCK was THAT about???

The only guy I ever saw that had an office in a men's room, was in the Inner Harbor shops in Baltimore. It wasn't because he was really cool, and could make the jukebox play "Shaboom Shaboom" by just tapping it the right way, it was because he was trying to blow me for cash.
Is there really anything more humiliating than waiting in a stinking, fouled up men's room, and offering to blow strange men?
The worst part of that whole scenario, is that the Inner Harbor is a tourist area...SO, there are family men using that restroom, and the human cock receptacle isn't in there because he's NOT making money.

Yeah.....EWWWWWWW!
Exactly.

Our pal Fonzie spent a lot of time in the restroom too.
And what was Fonzie always saying to other guys?

"Sit on it"

In fact, if I recall correctly, it was even written on the bathroom wall, as if to be an instructional message to the other men who can to his "office".
Clearly Fonzie was a "top"...because if you told HIM to sit on it, he got heated.
Arthur was NOT a power bottom.

And then...he always had some secret bond with Carmine "The Big Ragu" Raggusa, right? Because whenever Fonzie had a BIG problem, Carmine would walk over from the Laverne & Shirley set, to the Happy Days set.

And tell me THAT guy wasn't a fruitbooty!!
He would bust through the door, singing:
♪"They'll never go from rags to riches"♪

What the FUCK was that supposed to mean?
LOOKOUT, Mr. Broadway Showtunes is here?
I think the only reason people got scared and ran, was because they thought "If he DOES beat us...he's gonna fuck us in the ass!...I'm not risking that shit...let's get the hell out of here!!!".

Look at this queertastic example:


See?
That was a sissy fight if there ever was one.
CLEARLY, someone stole someone else's boyfriend.

So, in closing....I have lost a childhood hero today, and some of you may have just gained one.
I will leave you with a clip from the final season of Happy Days, where Fonzie clearly has come to terms with who he really was. But notice!....when Arnold explains that he accidentally ran over Fonzie's bike, he immediately assumes the position...KNOWING what his punishment would involve.

A New Hero Walks Among Us...Ricky Hollywood

I'm not a big celebrity gossip guy...I don't usually care who is banging or breaking up with who. But, this story has, kind of, grabbed me. I think this situation was made more personal to me, because of all the arguments I had last year, trying to point out what an absolute joke it would be, if Sarah Palin were working in the White House. Now, to all who said otherwise: I told you so.

But really, there's two sides to this story. First Levi Johnston. Let's face it, this kid is fucken awesome, the epitome of the American dream. His story goes: 1) He knocks up an under aged daughter of a Governor. 2) He flies around the country on the GOP's dime. 3) He finds a way to make money from it. And if that's not the American Dream, I don't know what is...Shit, this is like winning the lottery. Bottom line here, he saw an opportunity, and he's taking it. If more Americans were more like him, we wouldn't have the economic problems we've got going on right now. He is a true hero that our kids should aspire to be more like.

And he knows how cool he is. Here in this clip, I absolutely love his arrogance when he says the line 'just because she ran for Vice President, and was Governor of Alaska, that doesn't intimidate me.' He's bold, he's brash, he's Ricky Hollywood.

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

Now I know that some people would rather side with Sarah Palin. I remember you fuckers defending her winks, and down-home-goodness -- baseball, apple pie, and Sarah Palin, right? Ha. But if you still want to defend her, if that's what your thinking right now, if you think all of her self-righteous bullshit talk about praying for him, and feeling sad for him as he's doing porn(and by porn we're talking a no-cock photo shoot in playgirl), you're not only a hypocrite, but also an idiot. If you've been thinking that Levi is the bad guy, and Sarah is the good one here in this scenario, than you just don't have the ability to reason this out. She is pulling the exact same moves that he is. It's the same schtick; it's wrestling. She's just got a different target audience. Levi goes on Tyra, Sarah goes on Oprah. He's a small town boy, she's a small town girl and both of them just out there marketing themselves, like whores, and both of them turning a buck. And if you have any doubt, ask yourself which is going better for the public servant, her run for re-election or her book tour. Peace.

All Jokes Aside....

I want this fucker dead.
Seriously, and I'm not trying to be funny...or edgy...or anything else of the sort.
And I'm not a member of PETA, nor do I dress my dog up in little outfits, like some of you fucktards. In fact, I don't even own a pet.

However, this lowlife piece of shit should have the EXACT same thing done to him...AND his camera crew.
And congrats to the people of Reddit, who found out through their Web-Fu exactly who he was, and now Latvian police have him in custody.

WARNING: THE MOST EXTREME CRUELTY TO AN ANIMAL THAT I HAVE EVER SEEN. VIEW AT YOUR OWN RISK

Latvian Piece Of Shit

Following Up on the Theme of the Week, I guess

I guess I'm just following up on on the theme here -- about Jetson type technology here and now. Yeah, I know, there's still no flying cars or hover boards, but fuck all that noise anyway. First off, Rosie was more of a pain in the ass than a help anyway and Marty McFly's inflatable jacket was all dicked up the whole movie.

But in the here and now the Sixth Sense is friggen amazing -- I mean jaw-dropping amazing. I couldn't embed this video, so check out this link from TED. TED Talks Video The first 5 or 6 minutes are cool enough, shows you some if this maniac's crazy ideas. But around the 6 minute mark, as he starts to show off the Sixth Sense and some of the crazy shit it can do, it just blew me away. I love the part where he says, 'maybe you don't want to take your camera out of your pocket' and 'maybe you don't want to look it up on your iPhone' -- as if these two tasks are too difficult. Either way, with this gadget going, I don't see any reason to own a camera or an iPhone for that matter. Check out the floor pong on the subway -- just amazing.

Also, here's his website. Pranavmistry.com

The Stuff In My Head: Vol 152

This kinda stuff has bothered me as long as I can remember, but it was refreshed a couple days ago.
So, I'm talking to my daughter the other day, and we began discussing someone that she knows who doesn't allow her child to watch any TV, nor would she wish him to use the internet. He can only read books and play with educational toys. Idea being, that the child will become more advanced somehow, by not knowing about the world around him...his environment, if you will. This isn't the first I've heard of such ideas...in fact, I've heard MANY people spout off similar things.

See, whether we like it or not, the technological age is here, and it's experiencing exponential growth as we speak. Books....written word on paper, is an antiquated form of communicating information NOW. Not tomorrow, not in some Jetson's like future...but RIGHT...NOW.

In Sternberg's Triarchic Theory of Human Intelligence, the third subtheory deals with the ability to adapt to one's environment. I think we can all recall the most basic premise of a species adapting to it's environment or perishing, right?

Well, what justice are you doing, by forbidding your child the knowledge of the world around him? Forbidding him from adapting to his environment.
How are you making him more intelligent?
If anything, you are putting him at an extreme disadvantage when it comes to socializing with other children, and this could potentially lead to him being an outcast, and THAT could lead to depression issues.

Let's go a step further with the thinking that the internet is bad thing.
If you were to write a book report today about the moon, using a book printed JUST LAST YEAR as your source of information, your book report would be wrong.
You would not be more intelligent because you only used a book for your source material, because your report would be, in fact, erroneous.

Why?

Because it would tell you that the moon was barren, and contained no water.
BUT, as of late last week, we know that there is, in fact, gallons of water under the moon's surface. This knowledge comes from the fact that on October 9, 2009, NASA bombed the moon to search for just such a thing.

Your book...even if it was printed in September of this year, would tell you no such thing.

The line of logic that dictates books are more "intelligent" than up to minute information, is staggeringly absurd to me. Furthermore, I don't think anyone who makes such statements actually ever put any thought into what they're saying. I think it's just some bizarre belief that they have been indoctrinated into, so they parrot it at any opportunity.

I wonder if when broadcast news became a reality, there were people who swore that waiting for the paper the next morning was more "intelligent"?
While we're at it...why don't we just drop all current form of communication, and go back to drawing on cave walls?
See how dumb that is?
Just because something was done one way once, doesn't mean it was better....it just means that was all we could do at the time.

From the time they were small, I've always explained everything to my children in extreme detail. When I first showed them Jurassic Park, I also showed them the "making of" so that they understood what they were watching. Not just for the purposes of not being scared of what they saw, but so that they understood the art involved in movie making.

When I took my children to see The Dark Knight last Summer, several people said I was crazy to have done so. That some of the imagery was too dark for them.
But if you ask my children about The Dark Knight, they'll tell you that Heath Ledger gave a brilliant performance as the Joker...they KNOW that the Joker isn't a real person.
But the child that my daughter and I were discussing...the discussion that started all of this....he believes Batman is a real person according to her.
She thought that was...weird, but hardly more intelligent.

One thing I can tell you with absolute certainty, is that my children know more about what's going on in the world, than I EVER did at their age. I think if you take a hard look at your children too, you'll say the same.
We live in a hi-tech, multimedia world.
That is a fact.
That is YOUR environment.
That is your child's environment.
Instead of shielding your child from EVERYTHING, and having them read books by candlelight for information, how about taking some time to explain to them what it is they're seeing around them, Charles Ingalls?

It will be ok.
Trust me.

Hey Hollywood...Stupid Much?

I've been going to the movies a lot lately, and as a result, I see the same trailers over and over again. But there's one that REALLY irritates the shit out of me.
Please watch the following trailer for the film "Brothers"....



Now, why exactly do I need to see this film?
I mean, is it me...or did I just see the entire film in the trailer?
How fucking dumb are these people in Hollywood?
In 1999, there was an Ashley Judd film called Double Jeopardy that did the exact same thing, BUT, it was even worse than this, because it gave away several crucial plot twists....in fact, ALL the crucial plot twists that were contained in the movie.
SO, you ended up just watching an extended version of the trailer, because you knew EVERYTHING that was going to happen.

Here's how I would have done the "Brothers" trailer....
You would have seen the plot point of Portman finding out that her husband had died during active duty in Iraq.
You then would have seen Jake Gyllenhaal stepping up to the plate with his brother's family, and the subsequent romance that blooms between him and Portman.

And that's it.

That carries enough human emotion in and of itself, that it would resonate with a lot of people, and it would put asses in seats.
THEN....THEN, people, you would get the plot twist of Tobey Maguire not really being dead, and the complete breakdown that ensues afterward.
PAYDIRT!

I hope this film fails JUST BECAUSE of this idiotic trailer.
I hope it gets critical praise, but people just think...."Eh...I don't feel I need to see it based on the trailer".

Doucherockets.

We Must Stop The Massive Mouth Raping Of Frogs, By Chimpanzees!!

I'm sure you've heard of it by now.
I'm sure someone you know has had their life altered by it.

I'm talking about Chimpanzees forcing Frogs to perform oral sex on them.

For too long now, we have simply looked away, or pretended we didn't know when one of these terrible crimes would happen.
But how long can we sit back and just ignore something so terrible?

We here at And Anudder Ting! are taking a stand!
We are joining the fight against this epidemic, because if you aren't stopping the Chimpanzees from mouth raping these frogs, then you're guilty of the forced oral yourself.

Here's a video that I hope you take into deep consideration.

N.S.F.W.!!

Buh Bye, Toolshed.

"A Living Jizz Stain"

Tonight, we say goodbye to one of the biggest pieces of shit America has ever known, John Allen Williams....or as he prefers to be known John Allen Muhammed.

In case you don't remember him, he, along with teenage accomplice Lee Boyd Malvo, spent 3 weeks terrorizing the Washington D.C. region by carrying out a killing spree in 2002.
The timing was great, because it was right after 9/11, and everyone thought that this would be the beginning of mass killing sprees all across America.

Well, tonight, Dickrag up there is going to die by lethal injection, and while it happened rather quickly by American legal standards, it didn't happen soon enough for yours truly.
I would go into how things would be in a "Joe run America", but then that whole Hitler thing gets thrown at me, and while the Hugo Boss designed uniforms were VERY stylish, I don't really like the association.
PLUS, I think I would look like a total douche with that moustache.
I don't know...what do you think?


Hmm....maybe something to think about.

ANYWAY....Fuck you, John Allen Muhammed....may your eternity in Hell be filled with repeatedly being sniped in your cockandballs while you are knee deep, shoveling an eternal shit pile.

And on a serious note, instead of wasting another moment thinking about that piece of garbage, I hope everyone takes a moment to remember those who lost their lives in that terrible tragedy, and the families that were left to try and make sense of it all.

James Martin	55	Deceased	October 2, 2002, 6:04 PM	Wheaton, Maryland
James Buchanan	39	Deceased	October 3, 2002, 7:41 AM	Rockville, Maryland
Premkumar Walekar	54	Deceased	October 3, 2002, 8:12 AM	Aspen Hill, Maryland
Sarah Ramos	34	Deceased	October 3, 2002, 8:37 AM	Silver Spring, Maryland
Lori Ann Lewis-Rivera	25	Deceased	October 3, 2002, 9:58 AM	Kensington, Maryland
Pascal Charlot	72	Deceased	October 3, 2002, 9:20 PM	Washington, D.C.
Caroline Seawell	43	Living	October 4, 2002, 2:30 PM	Fredericksburg, Virginia
Iran Brown	13	Living	October 7, 2002, 8:09 AM	Bowie, Maryland
Dean Harold Meyers	53	Deceased	October 9, 2002, 8:18 PM	Manassas, Virginia
Kenneth Bridges	53	Deceased	October 11, 2002, 9:40 AM	Fredericksburg, Virginia
Linda Franklin	47	Deceased	October 14, 2002, 9:19 PM	Falls Church, Virginia
Jeffrey Hopper	37	Living	October 19, 2002, 8:00 PM	Ashland, Virginia
Conrad Johnson	35	Deceased	October 22, 2002, 5:55 AM	Aspen Hill, Maryland

"You Ain't Never Been Chunkin'?"

"You ain't never been squirrelin'? How can you call your self a man, and you ain't never been squirrelin'?"

That question was posed to me, by an individual who had a VERY brief stint as my employee, while he cackled like a hyena at the absurdity of the fact that I had never taken it upon myself to hunt tree rats for sport.

Do you want to know how the rest of the conversation went?
Sure you do.

Me: "Why, what's so great about "squirrelin'"....what do you get out of killing fuckin' squirrels?

Wait for it people.....wait....for....it....

Pudding Brain: "Oh, I don't know....I ain't never been."

While the sheer stupidity of that seems incredibly unbelievable, I assure you, much to my chagrin, it's true. But like I said...I quickly got rid of him.

What else may seem absurd, is that here in Delaware, an annual tradition occurs which is known as "Punkin' Chunkin'".
"Why, whatever is this "Punkin' Chunkin'" you speak of, Joe?"
Fine, you don't have to twist my arm...I'll tell you.

Basically it goes like this....everyone meets on a farm, some of the people have constructed machines that are specifically designed to launch pumpkins across the farm. The person whose machine launches the pumpkin the farthest becomes like...the king of lower Delaware or something.

Awesome, right?

Well, I know you will find this hard to believe, but in all my years in the State, I never felt inclined to go to this gala affair.

Until this year.

This year, I decided I needed to experience the pageantry of it all, because you only live once, right?

First, I think you need to understand, that this wasn't just any old "Punkin' Chunkin'" event that you could just see on any given day, ANYWHERE in America. No, sir...this was the WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP of the sport, as indicated by this...gnome....or moonshine bootlegger or something...


As you can see, this was no joke of any sort.

The problem that I had with the event itself, was that it went on far too long. You would be surprised how many people turn out with their own contraptions to fire pumpkins in the sky.
AND, they spend a SHIT TON of money to make these things. (By the way, this IS worse than fireworks, right? I mean, I've always found something a bit off about guys who love blowing up fireworks once past their teenage years, but this is technically worse than that, right? Or am I way off base here?)

You can see two of the huge air compressor driven cannon turrets in the distance, right past this gentleman who is doing NOTHING out of the ordinary by sitting on a pole with a bike seat attached to it.


Now, I know what you're thinking.
You're thinking that this is some kind of redneck event, right?
That sure, there's a lot of science that goes into making these contraptions, but that there are probably a lot of hillbilly types that enjoy this display.
Well, you couldn't be MORE wrong. There is a great sense of pride at this event. Why everywhere I looked, flags were flying and adorning store fronts.
Don't believe me?
See for your self.....

See?
Told you.

And this is the kind of pride that you can only see at....oh, wait a sec, be back in a minute.

Sir!
Sir!


Sir, your belt seems to be failing you!

Ok, I'm back.
Glad that I could help that man out. I wouldn't want him looking all foolish when in the presence of so many others who are on the cutting edge of fashion at such an event.
Fashionistas and Artisans made their presence known everywhere at the 2009 Chunkin' Championship.
It took everything in me to not buy one of these lovely set of wind chimes...


...But then I realized that I don't have a trailer porch to hang them from, and I made the sad face.
All of my dreams were shattered, of some day sitting on my front porch with no shirt on, drinking cheap beer, while the COPS camera crew arrived just as I was being tackled to the ground by the officers because they refused to believe that "I ain't never meant to stab nobody". And in all the chaos, a faint *clang clang clang* from the wind chimes to settle my nerves, as the dark enveloped me due to my eyes being blinded by pepper spray.

Oh, but the artistic masterpieces didn't stop there!
There was an entire table of things like this one, that I've affectionately dubbed "Sparky the Horse"...see because he's made of spark plu....oh nevermind....you're so cynical!


Someone else enjoyed the fine craftsmanship of Sparky and the other items like him on this particular table's offerings too.
I call him "King Chunkin'", because I believe this one photo encapsulates EVERYTHING "Punkin' Chunkin'".


Confederate Flags.
"Punkin' Flag.
A can of Natural Ice©.
A "Bucket O' Fries".
A huge belt buckle.
A shirt unbuttoned halfway down.
A mohawk.
And "art" made of old automotive parts.

And as one was soaking in all of this Americana...in the distance the live band fronted by who I believe was Pinky Tuscadero, could be heard playing John Cougar Mellencamp favorites....


Does it get any better than that?
No.
No it doesn't.

The strange thing about this whole event, is that it seems no one actually cares who wins.
The Champion was to be crowned somewhere around 4pm, but by 2pm most of the people had left already.
So I was left believing that the crowd only cared about watching the pumpkins launched into the air, but beyond that....funnel cake and corn dogs were more interesting.
Could that possibly be?
NAAAAAHHHHH!

I also learned two things from "The World Punkin' Chunkin' Championship 2009"

1.) Sometimes things are going to be EXACTLY like what you thought they would be.

and

2.) There apparently isn't a black man in the State Of Delaware who cared to watch a pumpkin get fired across a cornfield.

I know right about now, you may be feeling a bit left out....feeling as if you were robbed of your chance to be a part of something magical.
Well do I have news for you!!

The Science Channel was there and filmed the event!
No, it wasn't for an in-depth scientific special series to answer the age old question "What The Fuck Is Wrong With People?"
No, sir!
It was for a special, covering this event, to air THIS upcoming Thanksgiving Night!!!
A WINNER IS YOU!!!!!

Here's the link for the Science Channel's Punkin' Chunkin' Special: Link

You aint' never been Chunkin'?