Blind Film Review: What Happens in Vegas

Unlikely couple Cameron Diaz and Ashton Kucher discuss the things they

have in common, like same size breasts, limited acting ability, etc.

I’ve decided to start something new this week, because my opinion is so fucking important. Let’s see if it catches on. I’m calling it a “blind review”. Here’s a definition:

Blind Review – A presumptive, critical evaluation of something that the author has not directly experienced i.e. a blind movie review would be a review of a movie that I haven’t actually seen.

This week’s blind review is the vomit-inducing film "What Happens in Vegas”, starring Cameron “A-Cup” Diaz and Ashton “A-Cup-in-the-Pants” Kutcher.

Please keep in mind that I’ve only seen the promotional trailer for this movie and have not seen the actual movie, so my review could be way off-base. Like I care. Here we go…

This cliché-filled piece of shit movie is about two down-on-their-luck people who say “fuck it all” and decide to take solo vacations to Las Vegas.

The characters are actually not a far stretch from what the actors' real lives are like. Cameron Diaz plays a washed-up, bobble-headed skank who was dumped by her fiancé and is so fed up with men that she’s about two lemon-drop martinis away from munching some stripper’s carpet in the alley behind a strip club. Ashton Kutcher plays a spoiled, overgrown party-boy who is fired from his cushy job over some wacky shenanigans he pulled at some point.

Skank and party-boy meet in Vegas and end up shitfaced in a wedding chapel tying the knot. Fast forward to the next sober morning… the predictable dialog goes something like this: “Oh my god – did we get married?” “We did – we got married.” “I hate you.” “No, I hate you.” “I’m leaving.” “Fine. Leave. See if I care.” Blah blah blah.

As they are about to part ways, party-boy wins big bucks on a slot machine. Each one feels that they should get a bigger cut than the other, so they take it to court. In a completely unconventional ruling, the judge decides that in order to receive any of the winnings, they must stay married for six months before they divorce.

*SPOILER ALERT*

Six months later, they are about to split up for good, yet these wacky kids realize that they actually do love each other and decide to stay together. Suddenly, they don’t even care about the money. The audience learns a valuable lesson about love and greed. THE END.

My verdict: This movie sucks.