Giant Pandamonium in Sichuan Province

Endangered giant panda fetus on a stick is a delicacy sold at the Beijing Night Market.

Recently the 8.0 Earthquake centered in the Sichuan Province in China has brought a lot of attention to the highly endangered Giant Panda species whose habitat exists in Wolong, Sichuan, near the epicenter of the quake. This attention is not because of the ten Pandas missing or killed in the quake, or because the Panda reserve was destroyed in any way. The attention stems from the lonely British spinsters who paid good money to exploit and fondle the pandas, and who are running around the media recollecting their experience in the aftermath of the earthquake. It’s kind of sad to me that this is what it takes to draw attention to the plight of these pandas.

My hair is cut to look like the head of a penis. It represents the males I yearn for but can’t get. I molest pandas to compensate for my non-existent love-life.

Anyhow, while in China recently, I saw a documentary on the Panda reserve in Wolong that was unintentionally hilarious in a sad, disparaging way. It kind of helped me understand why a species like this would be near extinction in this day and age.

In the documentary, they had a female giant panda in heat, and two adult male giant pandas eager to become the baby daddy. So what did the panda expert do? He decided against putting the “alpha male” panda in with the female and instead, he put the sweet, docile panda in to breed with the female. His logic: Human females would prefer the gentleman over the bad-boy. The result: The gentleman panda ended up on his back in a pool of blood with his testicles bitten completely off. The moral to this episode? Nice pandas finish last.

Why didn’t the female accept this particular male panda, the panda expert wondered. Maybe she doesn’t know how to properly fuck. After all, baby pandas in the wild grow up watching and learning how the adults mate. So he created a panda porno… two panda’s fucking in the wild. And he played it for hours on end on a small television, volume down so as to not offend any humans in the vicinity, in front of the female panda’s cage. But she was not interested in watching this at all. So as the staff was removing the television, someone “accidentally” turned up the volume. And what do you think happened? The sound sparked the female’s interest and she got wet watching and LISTENING to the panda porn.

Now back to impregnating our female panda: take two. You only have one spare adult male panda producing sperm since the only other adult male panda HAS NO BALLS. Do you risk the second panda’s manhood as well? No, thought the panda expert. It’s better to gather the panda sperm and inseminate the female artificially. In theory, this is a good idea, yes?

So the panda doctors loaded a glass tube full of panda semen and inserted it into the female panda’s vagina. During the process, the panda moved suddenly and the glass broke in her canal, rendering her infertile. Brilliant. They could have used a flexible material for the tube but nooooo… they had to use a glass tube.

So without risking my China visa and saying anything negative about the Wolong reserve, I ask… why do you suppose this species is at risk of extinction?