Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull

Fuck You, George Lucas, Steven Spielberg, and Harrison Ford.

And if you don't want anything ruined for you, stop reading this now, because SPOILERS are on their way!

Let me start off by saying that I really don't expect much from George Lucas. Other than hitting the mark with Star Wars, and not the latter ones, but the original three, Lucas has never really done anything impressive. He's certainly not in league with Spielberg, who has a very impressive body of work under his belt.

But, Lucas WAS smart enough to collaborate with Spielberg on the Indiana Jones series, which during the 80's was an awesome franchise, and easily one of the most well known of all time. More importantly to me, it was one of the film staples of my childhood. When the films were released on DVD, I ran out to get the boxset.
There's a lot of nostalgia surrounding this series for me.

Fast Forward to May 22, 2008.
What do I do? I run out earlier in the day and get tickets for the 4:30pm showing of "Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull", so I can grab my kids from school, and run off to see the latest Indy adventure. I get a large tub of buttery popcorn, because The Master Cleanse is just a memory now, (although I may start again soon...more on that another time) and we take our seats.

After the previews we see the ever familiar "Lucasfilm LTD" logo appear on the screen, followed by the OLD Paramount logo...the one you would have seen at the beginning of any other Indy film.
AH, the tone was set...I was 12 again, and about to experience something magical.
That was until about 15 minutes in when Indy found himself being pursued by KGB in the Nevada desert, and was hiding in a small town that turned out to be a prop town for a nuclear testing site.
Do I have to say it? Ok, I will...JUST THEN, Indy could hear the countdown begin for a bomb test!
WHAT TO DO? WHAT TO DO?!?!?
Then, he looks at the refrigerator, quickly empties it out, and dives in!
BOOM! goes the bomb!
Indy and his Frigidaire, in the center of impact, are launched about 3 football fields into the sky and hit the ground flipping end over end.
Indy gets out...fixes his hat (because you HAVE to fix your hat after you've just been hit with a nuclear bomb..EVERYONE knows THAT!)..and then stares up at the mushroom cloud in front of him.

I couldn't help but think how many lives could have been saved in Hiroshima had they just known the refrigerator trick. I mean, when I think of the intense heat from that bomb...a bomb that BURNED PEOPLE'S SHADOWS IN TO THE GROUND...a bomb that instantly VAPORIZED people...if they just had a refrigerator to dive in to!!!!

Ok, enough sarcasm...that kind of cornball bullshit set the pace for the entire film.
In previous Indy adventures, he would find himself in situations that would surely leave him dead, *if everything didn't go just right*.
But in this one, even if they did go just right, his bones would be shattered in to dust, or...I don't know...he would be cooked like a Thanksgiving Turkey in a refrigerator that he was trying to use for cover from a nuclear bomb.

There was even a scene with Shia Lebouf (oh, who cares how you spell his name!)...swinging from vines, ala Tarzan, in pursuit of the enemy who were fleeing in an army jeep. If I told you that while swinging he made friends with monkeys who then helped him attack the Communists, you'd think I'm just fucking with you now, right?
You know what....I'll just let you feel better about it and think I'm fucking with you.

As for the ending...let me just say that Indy stands there watching an event that would be the equivalent to an...I don't know...F20 Tornado (Yes I know it only goes up to F5) that would have surely swept him away and killed him. His body defies all the laws of physics and gravity, and no...we aren't even treated to an explanation as to how.

George Lucas is a fucking hack, piece of shit writer, who has now fucked up TWO of the greatest franchises in film history.
BRAVO!

Here lies Indiana Jones.
May he rest in peace.
Seriously.
Meaning don't make another one.
I mean it.
Quit playin'.