Madonna Had A Few Simple Requests

Don't even start with me....NO, I don't usually get in to gossipy shit, but I hate this bitch with all that I am, so I thought I'd share.

It seems that Guy Ritchie, the dopey bastard who "Once Upon A Time" thought it would be a good idea to marry Madonna who, to me, looks like what would be produced if Skeletor fucked a praying mantis.
I think my sentence structure was ALL jacked up on the last one, but read it a few times until it makes sense. Chances are, if I didn't know better the first time out, I'll only make things worse with an edit.
ANYWAY, over the weekend Ritchie was apparently foolish enough to think he could have visitation with his kids without the ever powerful Voguing arms reaching out and interfering in his business.
Let's have a look at the list, shall we? (read that last sentence with a British accent...it's more in keeping with our subject that way....what?.....no, not Madonna, she just *pretends* to have a British accent.)

-Under no circumstances should they be allowed to read magazines, newspapers, or be allowed to watch TV or DVDs

-They must adhere at all time to a macrobiotic, vegetarian, organic diet with no processed or refined foods

-All water they drink, even when it's to dilute organic juice, should be Kabbalah water.

-They should wear the clothes that Madonna has sent with them on the flight. If they need to be bought anything, they should not contain man made fibers.

-Their hands should be regularly cleaned with disinfectant spray if they are in public places.

-They should not be bought toys which are spiritually or ethically unsound.

-Guy should not discuss the separation with them.

-Madonna should have phone contact with the boys at least three or four times a day, at times set by her

-The boys should not be introduced to Guy's new friends, especially any female friends he has attracted since the separation

-Madonna has encouraged this access to give Guy time with the boys, rather than his parents spending time with them

-The boys should not be photographed while with Guy. It is his responsibility to organize security so that does not happen

-At bedtime, Guy should read David the "English Rose" books that Madonna wrote.

Oh Guy, you silly bastard!
How cool does banging "The Material Girl" seem now?
This my friend, is unfortunately what you have to look forward to for the rest of your days.
Isn't it funny really, how a woman who built her career around controversial hijinks and sexual antics...who made a book entitled "Sex" in which she simulated intercourse with a dog and Vanilla Ice all of a sudden knows what's best for everyone?
Hey, come to think of it...which one is more embarrassing now...the dog or Vanilla Ice?

My advice Guy?
Go ALL O.J. on that gap toothed, pseudo Brit hooker!
Seriously, dude....I don't have tons of cash or anything, but I SWEAR I will go door to door like I'm raising money for fuckin' Jerry's Kids to fund your legal team, and I think a LOT of other people would too.

By the way....when I was in my freshman year of High School, there was this cat Steve in my wood shop class that was all excited with himself because people told him that he sounded just like Madonna when he sang "Starlight" so he began singing it to show us.

Did you ever want to beat someone to death with a spice rack even though you knew it would mean a failing grade on the project?

Word to your mutha!