The Happening: Perhaps The Worst Movie I Have Ever Seen

Mark Wahlberg after a failed attempt at searching for ANY signs of intelligence in "The Happening's" script.

I'm seriously at a loss for words here. What an amazing disappointment.
It wasn't that I thought "The Happening" was going to be spectacular or anything...in fact, from the trailer, I was left with the impression that it was, at best, going to be a mediocre film.
I wish I could say that.

My disappointment is more focused on M. Night Shyamalan. In a time where Hollywood is simply re-hasing EVERY FUCKING THING under the sun...what?...yes EVERYTHING...there's a new Robocop in production so piss off with your argument.
But as I was saying, in a time where creativity is no longer required to be a Hollywood screenwriter, Shyamalan was bringing NEW ideas to our theaters. Maybe some of them faltered, but they were new and original, and for that I always welcomed a new film from him.

All that has changed.

"The Happening" is borderline Ed Wood-esqe in that Shyamalan *intends* to make a film that is meant to be taken seriously, but ultimately is only something that is unintentionally hilarious in it's premise, script, and acting. Seriously, the delivery of some of these lines had me actually laughing out loud. But what do you do as an actor when you're given something that seems like it was written during a cocaine induced frenzy?

Huh?...I don't know, you tell me...look at him:

Can't you just see him in his boxers, all tweaked on blow after watching Lord Of The Rings with that Astro Boy haircut of his saying..

"Yeah..YEAH...what if that happened in OUR world, what if the trees get fucking PISSED! They're pissed, right....and they decide "HEY, fuck these humans, right?...FUCK these humans and all their pollution and shit.. and fucking carving into us...we don't need that right? How would you like me to carve "DO BONGS!" into you MISTER MAN...MISTER HUMAN BEING?!?!?....hey, send Donny back out to get some more of this shit...I'm gonna write this shit in a fucking NIGHT. SIXTH SENSE, MOTHERFUCKERS...YOU BETTER ASK SOMEBODY!!!!!"

Huh? Whatever, think what you want, but if that ISN'T how this bullshit went down, then Shyamalan needs to put the writer's pen down for good. I mean, I'll accept a drug induced frenzy, that's how distorted my gauge is, but I WILL NOT accept that he wrote this shit straight. That's just fucking hack bullshit.

I could go on and on about how terrible this movie is, but I won't.
I will say this, at one point, they run from the fucking wind.
Yes, you read that correctly.

But here's the twist to the usual "bad movie review"...here's what is gonna set me apart from other people.
I HIGHLY recommend you see this.
Seriously, you need to see how bad this is. You need to feel Marky Mark's delivery of his lines, and how terrible those lines are to begin with. You need to laugh out loud when you see one of the opening scenes in which the guy with Tourette's from Rescue Me plays a construction worker who's watching his co-workers committing suicide all around him, and then looks up on the verge of tears and says the line "God in Heaven!".
You need to be stunned at the predictability.
You need to suffer too.

Oh, and for you internet geeks, I think if you stay through the credits, you can hear the soundtrack of a toilet flushing which symbolizes the career of M. Night Shyamalan.
Ok, maybe I made that up....but it SHOULD happen.